Personal boundaries are invisible boundaries that protect our inner world. Psychological boundaries. Managing psychological boundaries

In psychological practice, when working with clients, I often have to deal with various requests that have a common basis - unawareness, inability to construct, and, as a result, to defend personal psychological boundaries.

For people who struggle with boundaries, just thinking about them is often a revelation. So what are psychological boundaries?

Any boundaries presuppose the establishment of a certain limit, fence, wall, line, line denoting property, separating one space, territory from another, one’s own from someone else’s, etc. Each subject has its own borders, such as: state, region, region, and the person himself is no exception.

Personal boundaries separate the “territory” of one person from another, showing where one personal space ends and the territory of another person begins.

The physical boundaries of a person are, first of all, his body and this or that, depending on various factors, the distance around him. No less important for the feeling of one’s “presence”, awareness of one’s “I”, different from others, are psychological boundaries. They designate and protect the internal space, their own psychological territory, which includes:

● A system of ideas about myself (who I am, what is good and bad about me, what qualities I have, assessment of my appearance, etc.);

● Needs, desires, aspirations, goals and ideas about how to achieve them;

● A system of existential attitudes regarding the meaning of life and the meaning of current events, responsibility and guilt, love and loneliness, dependence and freedom, one’s own ability (or inability) to make decisions and choices, creativity and limiting obligations;

● Ideas about your own capabilities;

● Ways and style of interaction with other people;

● The right to create ideas and choose the way to implement them;

● Ideas about your place in the world and society;

● A system of rules and principles by which interaction with the social environment is built;

● Possession of some physical territory, that is, things, objects, objects that are called the word “mine” (for example, a table, sofa, room, house, clothing, workplace, etc.).

That is, in a psychological sense, boundaries are the understanding of one’s own “I” as separate from others. This understanding of our separateness forms the basis of our personality. Boundaries tell us where we are and where we are not; what we can choose and what we cannot; what we can bear and what we cannot; what we feel and what we don’t feel; what we like and what we don’t like; what we want and what we don’t want. In short, boundaries define us. Just as physical boundaries define where private ownership begins and ends, spiritual and psychological boundaries define who we are and who we are not.

Psychologists distinguish two types of boundaries: defining And protective.

Defining boundaries linked to our accepted values, attitudes and norms, showing who we are and who we are not. They affirm both for ourselves and for those around us the essence of our personality, denoting what we consider the most important and valuable. This type of boundaries serves to identify and clarify oneself. A person, by erecting defining boundaries, seems to be communicating, giving a signal to other people about who he is. For example, “I am a mother, and my parental duty is higher than professional duties”, “I am Russian and am proud of my history and country”, “I am an Orthodox Christian, I observe church traditions and canons”, “I am a night owl and I ask you early in the morning do not disturb”, etc., etc.

Protective boundaries protect the “I” from circumstances that we perceive as painful, threatening to self-esteem, and unpleasant. By setting protective boundaries, we try to make relationships with people comfortable and overcome communication difficulties. In their case, it will be something like this: “If you continue to make fun of me, I will stop communicating with you,” “If you don’t stop drinking, I will divorce you,” “If you don’t stop being late, I will go to visit in your own car,” etc. Protective boundaries are established by presenting the terms of communication, the violation of which will lead to consequences announced in advance.

Unlike defining ones, protective boundaries are mobile. If the attitude towards you changes and the terms of communication you put forward are observed, you can weaken them or completely eliminate them. Without facing unpleasant, painful, offensive circumstances, the need for protection disappears.

Thus, boundaries are a certain line separating “I” from others, one’s responsibilities and others’, one’s “territory” and not one’s. They allow you to be an individual as such, to have your own desires, needs, aspirations, and not someone else’s emotions, feelings, etc. Without them, we would not have seen the end of our responsibility - we would have worried about all people as much as about ourselves, the division of labor would never have come. With boundaries, everyone can clearly understand what they are responsible for (for their feelings, their actions, their decisions) and what they should not be responsible for (for the feelings of other people, their actions and decisions).

Psychological boundaries, like state ones, protect against attacks on the individual, on her internal, private space with all its content. By the very fact of their existence, they declare our sovereignty and protect us from uninvited, brutal invasion, aggression, various forms of violence and manipulation. Only, unlike physical ones, psychological boundaries are invisible, they are in consciousness and manifest themselves in behavior.

When interacting with each other, people inevitably come into contact. Their personal spaces, psychological territories, can be respected, protected, crossed, occupied or forcibly limited. Everything is the same as what happens to states and their borders.

The psychological spaces of different people can be, to one degree or another, a stable formation and have more or less strict boundaries, the violation of which always causes a negative reaction - from mild discomfort to painful experiences. Such a reaction, in turn, can stimulate the emergence of a wide variety of forms of defense, including retaliatory aggression. In any case, they always strive to preserve, protect, and defend their own borders. And when they are violated, conflicts, misunderstandings, irritation, etc. begin.

Obvious problems arise when we do not feel our boundaries and, as a result, do not know how to defend them. People with “shaky” boundaries, or without them at all, will, without realizing it, constantly cause latent irritation in others, even close friends. Ultimately, everyone will avoid such people; no one will want to communicate with them for a long time.

So, violation of psychological boundaries we will call the influence of one person on another with varying degrees of violence (that is, without obtaining consent) in order to change at his own discretion the person’s system of ideas about himself, his capabilities, resources and his place in the world, to force him to change the rules and principles, to impose alien goals and methods of achieving them, etc., as well as unauthorized use and appropriation of the physical territory of another person or his objects of the physical world.

An extreme form of encroachment on personal boundaries is occupation of psychological territory, as a result of which the violation of boundaries occurs in all spheres of a person’s life and, moreover, with a high degree of intensity.

Here are examples from practice that demonstrate border issues:

● You are asked to do something that you do not want and is not in your interests, and you do not refuse the request. There may be another situation when you voluntarily take on other people’s responsibilities without their request.

● You are humiliated, insulted, both verbally and perhaps physically, and you humbly endure it.

● You live entirely by the needs and interests of other people, and are little taken into account.

● People close to you make jokes about you in front of other people and think it’s “funny.” You, feeling “uncomfortable” in these situations, do not show it to them.

● Trying to support and console, every day you talk for a long time on the phone with your “unhappy” friend, or she spends all her free time at your house. You have no time left for household chores, to communicate with your husband and children, but you continue to give her all your attention, afraid of offending her.

● When working with clients, you pass their problems through yourself. If something gets out of control, turns into unexpected things, you may not sleep at night until you resolve work situations.

● Your friends regularly violate agreements between you and are late without warning, do not pay you back on time, force you to agree to a pastime that is uninteresting/unnecessary/unpleasant for you.

● They take your personal belongings without asking your permission.

● Different people, in varying degrees of proximity to you, ask questions about your intimate life and everything connected with it, and you answer, even if it’s unpleasant for you to do so. Or you are privy to the details of someone’s intimate life without being convinced of your desire to talk and listen about it.

● You have become an adult a long time ago, and your family still teaches you how to “live”, makes important decisions for you and in every possible way “contributes” to the arrangement of your personal life. Or, being already an adult and living independently, you constantly, every step of your life, check with the opinion of your parents, most often your mother. For any, even insignificant, issue, you consult with her.

● Acquaintances and friends constantly tell you about the problems in their lives without asking your permission. This has begun to annoy you, but you continue to be a collective “vest”, “a rug for wiping your feet”, etc.

This is just a small list of examples showing the violation of psychological boundaries and the inability to build them in communication with people.

Psychological boundaries begin to form at an early age in the family, in communication with loved ones. To establish “healthy” boundaries, the same conditions are necessary as for the development of a psychologically mature personality. This is the formation of primary, basal trust, autonomy, initiative, stable personal identity, the experience of unconditional acceptance and intimacy, healthy separation from parents, etc.

Personal perceptions of psychological boundaries may vary. From “healthy”, balanced boundaries, clearly constructed and flexible, depending on situations, to complete absence or only a hint of their presence.

“Immature” include not only individuals “without borders,” but also those who have built impenetrable dividing lines.

People with boundary violations behave differently. Three reaction options can be distinguished.

1) In the case when borders destroyed, open, a person is not sensitive to the needs of both his own personality and the personalities of other people. He easily becomes an object of use, manipulation, and easy prey for violence. Often such people do not understand the difference between intimacy and publicity; women may not be picky in sexual relationships.

2). The second type of reaction is associated with closed borders. A person traumatized by the painful experience of destructive relationships, childhood traumas, can “build” insurmountable barriers around himself, actually isolating himself from relationships that require disclosure. Such people seem to be on the defensive all their lives, becoming a completely closed system. Constantly defending their territory, they trust no one and are doomed to live in a state of war with everyone around them. They see a threat everywhere, even where there is none. Children's negative decisions cause them to perceive the world as bad and extremely hostile, and to interpret non-hostile actions as hostile. Internal aggression is easily turned externally, and after defending, they often take the offensive, violating the boundaries of other people. Having formed in situations that required strong protection, over time, even when there are no threats to the individual, they continue to invariably fulfill their role, preventing true intimacy and self-disclosure in relationships.

It is important to remember that we are created for relationships, and mutual acceptance is impossible without intimacy, openness to each other, and mutual trust. And this cannot be achieved without taking risks, the courage to remove all our defenses, to become vulnerable. Without relationships, there is no full life and a person is destined to go beyond the psychological defenses he has built again and again, to move closer to people.

3) The third reaction is intermediate between the first two. This is the behavior of a person with blurry, unsteady boundaries. He is disoriented and can behave either as in the first type of reaction, with open boundaries, or as in the second, with closed boundaries. Moreover, fluctuations in his behavior - from complete openness to the construction of impenetrable defenses, as a rule, do not correspond to the situations. He has ideas about boundaries, but there are no clear principles for building and defending them.

So, it is vitally important for every person to understand that gaining true freedom in any sphere of life is impossible without establishing “healthy” boundaries. If boundaries are absent or collapse, then relationships inevitably collapse, work becomes a slavish duty, and spiritual growth stops. Boundaries affect us in all areas - physical, psychological, spiritual, in the field of interpersonal relationships.

If there are no boundaries, they need to be constructed; if they are unstable, then they should be strengthened. Borders serve our protection, building the necessary buffer between people, preventing any attacks on the psychological space of the individual.

The work of building healthy, balanced boundaries of the individual is complex, systemic in nature and is directly related to achieving the maturity of the “I” system. I will give just a few of the many possible directions for establishing “healthy” boundaries. This work must include:

● Increasing self-esteem, self-esteem, strengthening faith in one’s worth and significance;

● Learning to trust your own feelings. Discovering your true essence is possible only by accepting and demonstrating what is happening in the inner world at each specific moment, without suppressing and condemning yourself. This can be helped by mastering the skills of “I-statement”, as the ability to speak openly about one’s experiences, needs and true desires;

● Learning the ability to say “yes” and especially “no”, depending on your true preferences and desires. The ability to say “no” is like a sign to the whole world: “I am an individual. I have needs, tastes, preferences that are just as important as yours. And I can stand up for myself." By saying “no,” you are defining the boundaries of your sovereignty. Learning to firmly object is an important stage in the struggle for independence of thinking and behavior, for firmly following one’s intentions.

● Development of assertive behavior skills. They require the ability to expressively and clearly state what is desired; accept possible troubles; express your feelings openly and frankly; resolve emerging conflicts constructively; recognize and counteract manipulative techniques, etc.

This is daily work on yourself, the result of which will be the achievement of harmony with yourself and the people around you, and the formation of a realistic, adequate attitude towards yourself and the world.

Probably, the description of psychological boundaries does not seem very clear. But let's think: what will happen if something living has no boundaries? It will simply disappear.

This is exactly what happens to people whose psychological boundaries are weak. They have little understanding of who they are, what they want and how to separate their goals/desires from those imposed. It is difficult for them to refuse, they depend on the opinions of others, tolerate disrespect, and often care about everyone except themselves.

It happens that a person has boundaries - hard. In this case, a person does not tolerate intrusion into his life and does not recognize other people’s opinions and needs. He has a set of rules that must not be violated under any circumstances. Any attempts to convince him are perceived as an invasion.

It is believed that healthy boundaries are flexible. In this case, a person has the ability to consider the interests of others without losing himself. He can both give and receive. Such a person understands refusal and does not impose himself, takes on as much as he can bear, and most importantly, he knows and understands himself well.

This is what boundaries of varying degrees of rigidity look like. But what are they made of? Photo: Depositphotos

1. Physical boundaries

They follow the contours of our body. This also includes knowledge about who, when and how can touch us. Violations of a person’s physical boundaries are the most serious, they can cause irreparable damage to the psyche of the victim. Therefore, most of these violations are described in the Criminal Code.

But violating these boundaries is not only physical violence. There are other ways to invade the human body. For example, forced feeding (“you won’t leave the table until you finish”), rude and unethical behavior of medical workers.

2. Personal space

Each of us has felt at least once in our lives: it’s unpleasant when someone stands too close - for example, in transport. It seems like we didn’t buy or even rent the meter around us, but we feel that this meter is ours. Especially if there is plenty of space in the carriage. We cannot feel confident and calm when our personal space is invaded, because in response to a violation of the boundary, the alarm goes off.

Personal space is also violated when someone talks too loudly. This is also a form of invasion, but at the sound level.

This concept includes not only physical space, but also virtual space. This applies, for example, to a page on a social network - who has the right to comment on what and how.

This also includes other methods of communication. Calling busy people on non-urgent matters means violating their personal space. After all, there are more delicate ways of communication - write an SMS, an email, etc. This way a person will be able to respond when he has the time and opportunity to do so.
Photo: Depositphotos

The concept of personal space depends greatly on the culture in which a person grew up and the lifestyle he leads. What is a violation for some, is a habitual way of communicating for others.

3. Territory boundaries and ownership

Territorial boundaries are about where your space ends and someone else’s begins. This is your desk in the office, your room at home. Intrusions happen something like this: without your knowledge, they sit at your table, enter the room without knocking, and invite themselves to stay in your apartment.

Ownership extends to things you own. They violate this type of boundaries by using your things without asking permission.

It is interesting that the apartment in which you live may not belong to you by right of ownership, but be your territory. If you rent a home, this does not mean that the landlord has the right to break into your place at any time without warning. Maybe you're walking around naked there. And if you live with your parents, then your room is your territory, even if legally it does not belong to you. And no one has the right to go there without your permission.

4. Time limits

This is the concept of how a person manages his time. When can I call you and when not? How long can you stay at work?

Intrusions happen when someone allows themselves to “eat up” your time. For example, if a person is late, disrupts your plans, does not warn you on time, or demands to spend too much time on him.
Photo: Depositphotos

5. Emotional boundaries

This includes feelings, the right to express them, ideas about when, how and with whom one should share experiences and details of one’s personal life.

They violate these boundaries in a variety of ways. These include tactless questions like: “Why are you not married yet?”, “When are you going to have children?”, “How much do you earn?” - and unsolicited advice, and obsessive care, and control of behavior (“you should ...”).

There are also other violators - those who try to deprive another of the right to this or that emotion. For example, when you share your irritation with your child, who has not let you sleep for three days, such people tell you that being angry is bad and shameful.

6. Value boundaries

This concept includes ideas about what is important to a person, what he believes in and what he considers valuable. These include religious feelings, moral principles, and self-esteem (if a person considers himself valuable, of course).

Such boundaries are violated by imposing someone else's opinion. For example, you are a convinced meat eater (this is a value for you), but then a vegan joins you and allows himself to spoil your appetite with stories about unfortunate animals. Well, or vice versa: you are a vegan, and they convince you of the “stupidity” of this approach.
Photo: Depositphotos

These boundaries can easily be violated by those who love the word “should”, who have a clear idea of ​​how to live “correctly” and how to live “badly”. They don’t understand that you are a different person, and what seems “the only true” to them simply doesn’t suit you.

The environment is our mirror. If there are people nearby who do not respect us, this indicates not only that their upbringing is not very good, but also that there is something wrong with our self-esteem. If they come up with advice, it means that we do not know how to defend our psychological boundaries.

And this also means that... we do the same thing as them. That is, we are also violators in some ways, we just don’t want to see it. And a mirror is just a mirror to reflect.

“A good fence is the key to a good neighborhood.”
(Proverb)

What are boundaries

We owe the development of the concept of boundaries to such a direction in psychological counseling as gestalt therapy.

The concept of “psychological boundaries” is appropriate only when we are talking about interaction between the individual and the environment. Boundaries are a phenomenon that arises between the Self and the non-Self.

The boundaries can be defined as conventional line separating the individual from the environment.

The easiest way to illustrate the idea of ​​boundaries is with the example of the physical body. The boundary line of our physical body runs along the skin: thanks to numerous skin receptors, we very clearly understand where we end and the world around us begins.

It is curious that the feeling of a physical boundary between one’s body and the environment disappears if one immerses oneself in a bath of water at body temperature in a dark room...

Functions of boundaries

The main function of psychological boundaries is separate the Self from the non-Self in our consciousness, yourself from the environment.

Why do we need to know where our borders are? Where does our Self end and the Self of another person begin?

The answer to this question lies in the idea of ​​control and responsibility. Everything that makes up the Self is subject to control. Everything that is not I cannot be controlled. Controlling myself, being responsible for myself, for my actions, for who I have become and who I have not become, is the sacred duty of every individual. But to control and bear responsibility for everything that lies outside the boundaries of the Self is beyond the individual’s area of ​​competence.

Problems with responsibility, guilt, shame, and feelings of dissatisfaction begin when a person does not clearly understand his boundaries.

Another important function of boundaries is dialogue.. The dialogue between the individual and the environment always takes place at the border. If the boundaries are blurred, if a person is confused about where he begins and where he ends, then full interaction, contact, dialogue with other people, with the outside world becomes impossible.

Forms of boundary violation

It would seem that it sounds simple: can’t I, in my right mind and strong memory, figure out where I am and where the other person is? However, in practice, boundaries often shift in one direction or the other:

• ourselves we violate other people's boundaries(we decide something for others, impose our help in the form of advice or active actions, etc.);
• And allowing others to violate our boundaries(we don’t dare refuse, say “no”; we agree, although we may not agree in our hearts; we do what we don’t want to do, etc.)

Thus, we can talk about two forms of boundary violation:

• when the borders are being unlawfully expanded beyond the boundaries of the individual, and the person tries to control, manage the non-self;
• when the borders wrongfully shift inward, to the center of our Self, and then we “fall into unconsciousness” and refuse to take responsibility for those of our actions and manifestations that, in our minds, were beyond our psychological boundaries.

How to avoid trespassing

To avoid violating boundaries both in one direction (towards the center of one’s self) and in the other (towards the people around us), it is necessary clearly understand where these boundaries lie. This is the first step.

The second step in not trespassing is ability to install them. If the boundary is understood, established, and done publicly, then it will be much more difficult to unwittingly violate it than if neither you nor those around you “know the boundaries.”

The skills to sense boundaries and set them are closely interrelated. Setting boundaries without knowing where the Self actually ends and the non-Self begins can have dire consequences for both you and the environment.

A clear understanding of your own and other people's boundaries will allow you to correctly set them in any interaction, be more effective in communication and more adaptable in life.

We most often associate the word “borders” with states and land plots, but not only the territories of the earth have borders, but also every person. These boundaries are called personal or personal, and although they are invisible, their importance for a person’s physical and psychological comfort cannot be underestimated. Personal boundaries from the point of view of psychology are the boundaries of one’s own “I”, these are the limits that separate the feelings, emotions, desires and intentions of an individual from the attitudes and feelings of other people. It is thanks to the presence of personal boundaries that each person is aware of his own individuality and has the opportunity to live and develop not only as part of society, but also as.

Violations and violators of personal boundaries

Personal boundaries define a person’s zone of personal responsibility and “protect” the right to choose and the inner world of the individual from outside incursions. A person with correctly constructed psychological boundaries can always find a balance between the demands of society and personal needs and does not allow other people to upset his mental balance. Also, a person who has strong psychological boundaries respects the needs, desires and opinions of other people and tries not to disturb the spiritual comfort of others.

However, not all people treat others with due respect and have any understanding of the psychological boundaries of each individual person, so we regularly have to deal with “boundary violators.” Such a violator could be a boss who does not choose his words in a conversation with his subordinates; a colleague who is overly curious and makes you blush with his tactless questions; husband/wife, and make a row over any occasion; a friend who constantly needs help and a “vest” to cry on, etc.

A person who has strong personal boundaries and knows how to protect them will be able to resist the violator - will give a verbal rebuff to the offender, will not succumb to manipulation and will not allow anyone to disturb his mental balance. Those same people who have failed to build a psychological defense are forced to regularly experience discomfort when communicating with arrogant or impolite people and give others an excellent opportunity to manipulate themselves. It is very easy to determine that personal boundaries are not built or are unstable - this is clearly evidenced by the following signs:

Building personal boundaries

The process of building personal boundaries lasts a lifetime, and when communicating with each new acquaintance, a person forms and defines boundaries based on the characteristics of the relationship. Therefore, it is never too late to build your own boundaries, and in order to achieve results, you must do the following:

Situations when you need to defend your boundaries arise regularly, and therefore it is important to be able to protect your psychological space so as not to violate the boundaries of another person. To do this, every time someone tries to “invade” personal space, let the intruder understand that this is not possible by expressing your dissatisfaction with words or physically distancing yourself (by moving a few meters away, going into another room, etc.) from the aggressor. . Next, you should calmly but firmly explain the reason for your dissatisfaction to the offender, and it is best to use an I-message for this: “I am unpleasant and offended when you... In cases where you do this, I feel... I ask you more Don’t do this, otherwise..."

However, it also happens that the intruder stubbornly continues to try to break into personal space, despite any persuasion and requests. You can explain to such a person 100 times how unpleasant his criticism/insults/actions are, and in response each time he will hear something like “I say/do what I think is necessary, and I don’t care how you feel about it.” In this case, there is only one way to reliably protect your borders and ensure peace of mind - stop communicating with the aggressor.

Everyone knows that every person has certain psychological boundaries. From a psychological point of view, a boundary is the understanding that somewhere there is not only “me”, but also “others”. Physical boundaries are much easier to define, for example, a fence that encloses someone’s property. With psychological boundaries, everything is much more complicated, since they allow us to understand who “I” am, who I am, and who the “others” are.

There are six types of borders

Very often, a person violates several types of boundaries at the same time, which is why it is very important to pay attention to these violations and protect the boundaries of your space.

1. The first boundary - the physical body - is the skin. This is a physical boundary, but it can also be psychological. The main ways to violate this boundary are restriction of freedom, murder, and physical violence.

2. The second boundary is spatial. Sometimes it is called the “second skin”. This boundary is formed throughout life. It suggests that you need to protect something valuable that is inside. This boundary allows you to realize yourself in life, but at the same time does not allow you to invade the space of other people.

3. The third boundary is personal space. This is a kind of “comfort zone” in which a person feels confident and calm. A person must have this boundary, since its absence can lead to serious psychological problems.

4. Ownership. Although this is a legal term, it can, however, have a psychological meaning. For example, a girl has an apartment. A friend came to stay with her for a while and promised to find a place to live in the near future. After some time, when the owner of the apartment got tired of waiting, she expressed everything to her friend and received many hurtful and insulting words in response.

5. The boundary is emotional. I violate it in this way - raising my voice, humiliating a person’s personal dignity, causing insults.

6. Time limit. How long do you wait for your girlfriends when you meet? Do you allow yourself to be late? Can you stay late at work and for how long? The answers to these questions will help to understand time boundary violations.

There are three types of people who violate our borders:

1. Type one - these are people who have ideas about a person’s personal boundaries. They respect these boundaries, but when under stress or in a quarrel, they can violate them.

2. Type two are people who have no idea about such boundaries, and they do this unconsciously, and not because they are evil. They weren't taught these boundaries as children, and perhaps their parents don't know anything about it either.

3. Type three – people are manipulators. That is, such people understand perfectly well that they consciously cause pain and discomfort to the people around them. Most often, they understand that they need to change themselves, but it seems to them that it is very difficult to influence people differently.

Every person has every right to protect their borders.

There are some important points in interactions with people and their boundaries:

We set our own boundaries;

We protect them;

We must respect the boundaries of those around us.

It's actually not that simple. You cannot set boundaries once, as if drawing a line on the asphalt with chalk, because people will constantly appear in your environment trying to encroach on them. Boundaries are set and defended constantly.

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