What to say to a mother who has lost her son

Seeing your son handsome and healthy in a dream foretells receiving news of his happiness and well-being.

But if in a dream you see that he is sick, wounded, pale, etc., then expect bad news or troubles.

If you dream that your son killed you, then after your death he will inherit your fortune.

A dream in which you saw that your son died portends you great concern about his well-being.

Sometimes such a dream may indicate that your child is in excellent health and your worries are unfounded.

If your son calls you in a dream, then soon he will need your help.

If you dream that you have a son, although in reality you have no children, then you will have to courageously survive the upcoming troubles or material losses.

Sometimes such a dream warns of great experiences. See interpretation: children, relatives.

The dream in which you saw that you had a son foreshadows worries and worries.

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Hello!
I would like to get advice on how to help my colleague.
My colleague: a couple of years older than me, pretty, well-groomed, she has one daughter with her parents (both are alive and live separately, but nearby), she has been divorced for a long time, and had one son, 23 years old. December 15, 2014 My son suddenly dies of acute heart failure. Our small team (very good in all respects) was shocked; they helped with the funeral, morally and financially, everyone was filled with sympathy and understanding. My colleague behaves very dignified and steadfast, goes to work, and communicates.
BUT! I see and understand that I am holding on with all my strength. I myself have a 22-year-old daughter, and my colleague and I had and have had a trusting relationship (friendly), although we are different - but there is also a lot of understanding - both are frank, sociable, with a technical education, working, reading. She tells me that she has already tried a healer, a psychologist (I don’t know the details), and religion (she is a believer, but not a fanatic). It seems to help a little, and then it comes back again. She herself sees her weakness in the fact that there is no shoulder nearby: no husband or loved one, no sister or brother, no other children. Parents are old, it’s even harder for them!
Of course, due to my 42 years, I have seen different things in life - difficult divorces, and different problems in life (I’m now in my second marriage, the first was a difficult divorce), but such a tragedy, of course, outweighs everything I’ve seen, and I feel so sorry for my colleague that I think about her every hour, very much for her I'm worried, I really want to help.
Another detail is that we are people of average income - we have an apartment and a car, we have a job (in the IT sector), but there are no extra big money, for example, to go around the world or to Africa to look after cheetahs and so on - this, unfortunately, is not possible, and we have a crisis in our country now!!!(((
I would like to especially note that she practically does not complain; from our team, only I and one other employee say something (he graduated from theological seminary at one time and is so open to communication).
Ask! Tell me what options I should think about, what to do, how to help me (and all of us) a person, what can I advise her, what are her goals in life, what is the way out? What to try, where to move...
My idea is that it would be good, of course, for her to get married, but today it is even more difficult for her, in such and such a state.
Thank you!
Sincerely.

Olga, Kyiv, Ukraine, 42 years old

Psychologist's answer:

Hello Olga.

A terrible loss for a mother. You can never be prepared for something like this. Now there is grief and loss in her soul. When people around, loved ones see this person’s condition, they want to help, but unconsciously act in the direction of making the pain end faster. In fact, a person must allow himself and have support from others - allow himself to feel pain. This grieving process can take a long time, and there are no rules for how this has happened to anyone or what is most acceptable to feel and how. This is her grief, and it is unique. In case of unexpected premature death The parent’s child may be greatly tormented by a feeling of guilt that he neglected or gave birth to a child who was unable to live full life, this feeling of guilt must be overcome, overcome. Children have their own destiny, parents are not gods and not everyone can do everything. Parents are limited in their ability to influence the fate of their children. What does this mom have now? Love. No one will ever take away her love for her child. No death. Nothing. Just like all 24 years of his life and everything they had together, all the memories, joys. Her life is now changed forever, and she will never fill this void left by the death of her son, but she can learn to live with it here, now, in this life, so that she can be reunited with him later. Now she needs to give herself permission to cry, she doesn’t need to be strong. She comes to work and it's a different world, but after that she must allow herself to cry whenever she feels the need. Every day, every night, if she feels that way. This really helps. Oddly enough, laughter also helps, and it is normal to laugh, although it looks to others as disrespect or as something inappropriate. In fact, it is the psyche trying to cope and survive. She can start writing a book or taking notes - everything that she remembers about her son, about his life, and everything that she feels and thinks now, conduct a written dialogue with him, a conversation with him. She can play music and listen to it even at night with headphones, music is very therapeutic. The best thing classical music. You can create and save some part in the apartment that belongs only to your son, wear his watch, charge his phone, keep this part of the connection with him alive. In order to physically cope with everything that is happening now, you need to monitor your diet, and exercise for the body is also very important, you can run in the park (fast walking). Running also helps a lot. For some people, a support group for those who are also experiencing grief is important; these can be forums, you can correspond with parents who have lost children. The first months are the hardest, but along the way there will be a place, a time, when there will be another sadness with which you can live. Mom will no longer be a helpless victim, there will be something she can control, find meaning, why she is still here, and does her son need it. Need to. Her son needs her to live. He never lost her, and she never lost him either, because love is what they have forever.

Sincerely, Lipkina Arina Yurievna.

Life always ends in death, we understand this with our minds, but when they leave this world Dear people, emotions take over. Death takes some into oblivion, but at the same time breaks others. What to say to a mother who is trying to cope with the death of her only son? How and with what to help? There are still no answers to these questions.

Time does not heal

Psychologists, of course, help bereaved parents. They give advice on how to cope with the death of your son, but before you listen to them, you need to understand several important things. This is especially true for those who want to help their friends or relatives overcome grief.

No one can come to terms with the death of their child. A year will pass, two, twenty, but this pain and melancholy still won’t go away. They say that time heals. This is wrong. A person just gets used to living with his grief. He can also smile and do what he loves, but he will be a completely different person. After the death of a child, a black, deaf void forever settles inside the parents, in which unfulfilled hopes, unspoken words, feelings of guilt, resentment and anger at the whole world huddle like sharp fragments.

With each new breath, these fragments seem to increase, turning the insides into a bloody mess. Of course, this is a metaphor, but those who wonder how to cope with the death of their son experience something like this. Time will pass, and a bloody mess will already become a common occurrence, but as soon as some external irritant reminds you of what happened, sharp thorns will immediately break out of the embrace of emptiness and frantically dig into the already slightly healed flesh.

Stages of Grief

For parents the loss of a son is a terrible tragedy, because it is impossible to find a reason that would justify this departure. But the worst thing is that there is no cure for this torment. Along with the death of a child, a mother buries her heart, it is impossible to survive death of son , as it is impossible to move a mountain from its place. But suffering can be alleviated. You need to live your grief from beginning to end. It will be incredibly difficult, incredibly difficult, but nature itself has a natural mechanism for relieving stress from difficult circumstances. If you go through all the steps, it will become a little easier. So, what stages does someone go through? survived the death of his son:

1. Sobs and hysterics.
2. Depression.
3. Mourning.
4. Parting.

More about the stages

As for the stages of going through grief, at first parents feel shock, this state lasts from 1 to 3 days. During this period, people tend to deny what happened. They think there was a mistake or it was some kind of bad dream. Some parents get stuck at this stage long years. As a result, they begin to experience serious mental disorders. For example, a mother whose one-year-old baby has died can walk in the park for many years, pushing a doll in a stroller.

Soon after shock and denial, the stage of sobs and hysterics begins. Parents can scream until they are hoarse, and then fall into a state of complete emotional and physical exhaustion. This state lasts about a week and then turns into depression. Hysterics happen less and less often, but at the same time anger, melancholy and a feeling of emptiness begin to grow in the soul.

After depression and the parents begin to mourn. They often remember their child, replay the brightest moments from his life. The mental pain recedes for a while, but then it comes back again, I want to speak out or talk to someone about my son. This stage can last a very long time, but then the parents still say goodbye to their child and let him go. Heavy, mental torment turns into quiet and bright sadness. After such a tragedy, life will never be the same, but you need to move on. It’s just a pity that the optimistic speeches of friends will not answer the question of how to help mothers survive the death of their son . Only after experiencing grief from beginning to end can you feel some relief.

Creativity, sports, conversations

It is impossible to cure the pain of losing a child, but you can curb it, dull it and learn to distract yourself. How to cope with the death of your son? You can start with something simple, for example, with creativity. In honor of your deceased son, it would be nice to draw a picture, write a poem, or start embroidering. Great for distracting from thoughts physical exercise. The more stress, the more they dull emotions.

You shouldn’t keep everything to yourself, you definitely need to talk to someone, it’s best if it’s a person who is in a similar situation or has been able to cope with his grief. Of course, it may also be that there is no one to talk to, then you need to write about everything that worries you. It is much easier to express your feelings in writing than in conversation, and besides, once expressed, even in this way emotions will exert less pressure.

Medical practice

In such matters, it is better to take the advice of a psychologist. Of course, they won’t teach you how to survive the death of your son, but they will help you a little. First of all, you should contact a good specialist. This is especially true for those who are unable to cope with their experiences on their own. There is nothing wrong with going to a psychologist; this doctor can advise medications, which will take off a little emotional stress, improve sleep and overall well-being of the body. The psychologist will also prescribe several useful recommendations, selected individually for each patient.

You should not resort to alcohol or drugs, and you also do not need to self-prescribe serious medications. These methods will not help you survive the death of your son, but will only worsen the situation.

You should definitely stick to your daily routine. It may be through force, but you need to eat. You need to force yourself to go to bed at the same time. The right regimen helps reduce the amount of stress hormones in the body.

Unspent love

There is another way to cope with grief. The death of a son, like a real curse, will hang like a black cloud over the heads of parents wherever they are. At one point, their world became empty, there was no one else to love, no one to give their care to, no one to pin their hopes on. People withdraw into themselves and stop communicating with others. They seem to be stewing in their own juice.

But man was not created to live alone. We receive everything that is in the life of each of us from other people, so we should not refuse help, we should not ignore calls from friends and relatives, and we should leave the house at least once every few days. It seems to a person that his suffering is unbearable, time and the earth have stopped, and nothing and no one exists anymore. But look around, have other people stopped suffering or dying?

Law of Psychology

The hardest thing to deal with is the death of adult children. At that moment, when it seems that life has not been lived in vain, suddenly the ground disappears from under one’s feet when they report the death of an adult son. The past years begin to seem meaningless, because everything was done for the sake of the child. So how do you survive the death of your only adult son? There is a simple and understandable law in psychology: in order to reduce your own pain, you need to help another person.

If parents have lost their own child, this does not mean that no one else needs their care and love. There are many people, both children and adults, who need the help of others. People take care of their children not because they expect gratitude from them, but do it for the sake of their future and the future of subsequent generations. The care that dead children can no longer receive must be directed to others, otherwise it will turn to stone and kill its owner.

And while a person feels sorry for himself and suffers, somewhere, without waiting for help, another child will die. This is the most effective way to help survive the death of an adult son. Once bereaved parents start helping those in need, they will feel much better. Yes, it will not be easy at first, but time will smooth out all the corners.

Very often the death of a child causes parents to feel guilty. Prevent a tragedy, change history - they think they could do something. But be that as it may, man is not given the power to predict the future and change the past.

Parents also believe that they no longer have the right to experience happiness after the death of their child. Any positive emotions are perceived as betrayal. People stop smiling, day after day they perform routine manipulations that have become automatic, and in the evenings they simply stare into emptiness. But it is wrong to condemn yourself to eternal suffering. For a child, parents are the whole world. What would your child say if he saw his world crumble in his absence?

Reverence to the deceased

You can express your respect to the deceased in other ways without dooming yourself to eternal torment. For example, you can visit the grave more often, pray for the repose, make an album happy photos or collect all his homemade cards together. During periods of melancholy, you need to remember only happy moments and be grateful for the fact that they existed.

On the second Sunday in December at seven in the evening you need to put a candle on the windowsill. On this day, parents who have lost their children unite in their grief. Each light makes it clear that the children illuminated their lives and will forever remain in their memory. It is also hope that grief will not last forever.

You can turn to religion for help. As practice shows, faith helps many people cope with grief. Orthodoxy says that a parent will be able to see his child after death. This promise is very encouraging for elderly parents. Buddhism says that souls are reborn and surely in the next earthly life mother and son will meet again. Hope for new meeting does not allow the mother to break down or die prematurely.

True, there are those who turn away from the faith. They don’t understand why God took their child when murderers and maniacs continue to roam the world. Fathers often tell grief-stricken parents a parable.

Parable

One day, an old man’s daughter died. She was very beautiful and young, the inconsolable parent simply could not find a place for herself. After the funeral, he came to Mount Ararat every day and asked God why he took his daughter, who could live for many more years.

For many months the old man left without an answer, and then one day God appeared before him and asked the old man to make him a staff, then he would answer his question. The old man went to the nearest grove, found a fallen branch and made a staff out of it, but as soon as he leaned on it, it broke. He had to look for stronger material. He saw a young tree, cut it and made a staff, which turned out to be surprisingly strong.

The old man brought his work to God, who praised the staff and asked why he cut a young tree that still had time to grow. The old man told everything, and then God said: “You yourself answered your questions. In order to lean on the staff and not fall, it is always made from young trees and branches. So in my kingdom I need young, youthful and beautiful people who can be a support.”

Children are the rays that illuminate our lives. With their arrival, we rethink a lot and learn a lot. But not everyone is destined to live happily ever after, you need to understand this and continue to live, keeping in your heart the joy that this child was once there.

In September, our only son, 25 years old, died. My son was planning to go on vacation with a friend. They found a man who had a debt to his son dead in the entrance. The man turned out to be a drug addict - he used to work with his son, this was in 2011. Drugs were found in his son’s blood. Wounds in a “strange” place - you can’t inject yourself that way. Or maybe there were no drugs... The cops did not send me for a forensic examination, but sent me for research. It turns out these are different things. The expert is not responsible for the research. The cops "cleared" the cameras at the entrance. So it was necessary... I never noticed anything suspicious about my son. The son worked in a decent company and was respected, he studied at a driving school, we talked a lot, he was in the public eye. He was homely, baked pizza, watched the news on TV. normal family. The soul is torn. Church, prayer, cemetery. I don't see the meaning of life. Now there is a temporary meaning - while I’m running around the police, investigative committees and prosecutors' offices. This is HELL! They are all creatures in uniform! I'm fighting as long as I'm alive - I won't give up. And then... I don’t know what then... I love my husband, he loves me. We howl together... We won’t give birth to children anymore - age... Why live????? Take it from an orphanage? What if we don't love?

Hello Olga! I sincerely sympathize with you and your grief...

The soul is torn to pieces, you don’t know why you should live further and why you lived, what’s next - emptiness? your son is not around, not in your life - all this has already happened, happened, you will leave your child until the last, fight for truth and justice - this helps you live now, distracts you from this feeling of all-encompassing grief. You have love, you can love no less strongly than you suffer, but it is important for you to accept his departure, to accept the death of your son, its injustice (that he has lived so little). Even if you decide to take a child, it will be another person, he will not be able to replace your son, he will be your OTHER son (or daughter) - this is the main thing - so that you do not see in him your lost child - and for this it is important to accept death . Only time will help your pain subside, it will not go away, it will still be with you, only a little less, not so sharply tearing you apart. You have the same grief together with your husband - and you can also go through this path together and only then decide whether you want to give the warmth and care that you still have - to give to another child, understanding that this is not your son, BUT loving his.

Only time will help, hang in there. If you find it difficult yourself, contact

photo — Helena Soler

As a mother of four children, I have not experienced the death of my child. I don't know the painful emptiness of losing a daughter or son.

But over the past 7 years, I have had the sacred privilege of being with grieving families who have lost someone they loved. Many of them, some of whom have become close friends, are mothers who have lost their children. Since I was friends with these grieving mothers, I walked with them through their most hard days, I noted what could help them and what would only cause pain.

While every mother's grief is unique, here are some things I've learned.

1. Stay nearby. Some of us are afraid to interact with a mother who has lost her child because we are driven by a great silent and blocking fear that sounds like "I do not know what to say". And guess what? You're in good company. Because no one knows what to say.

But the good news is that a grieving mother doesn't expect you to have the right combination. magic words, which will turn everything into good. There are no words in any language in the world that can do this. What mothers need most is your presence. Bring her a Diet Coke. Send her a message to let her know you're thinking about her. Stop near her house and sit next to her. Listen to her. Be quiet with her. Ask about her heart condition. Clean up her bathroom. Give her a certificate to the store as a gift. Write her a letter about what you loved most about her child. Help her sort out the child's things.

Moms don't need your right words. Moms need to know that they are remembered and cared for.

2. Talk about the deceased child. It's understandable that you're afraid to mention to your mother about lost child, because you will make her sad. You want to save her from grief. But more discomfort is more likely to come from your side than from hers. She is already sad and another reminder of her grief will not make her situation worse. In fact, it is more painful for many mothers when friends and neighbors and co-workers do not mention the loss of a beloved child.

Want to know the secret? Most mothers who have lost a child will tell you that saying something awkward is better than saying nothing at all.

And like all mothers, a grieving mother has a desire to talk about her child. She wants to celebrate and remember and mourn what was dear and funny and difficult and unique about the child she loves. She may even be afraid of forgetting the unique little things that made her child special.

Don't be afraid to talk about her son or daughter.

3. Listen. A mother who has lost a child may not have many people willing or able to listen to her. Her spouse, or parent, or child, or brother is going through her own grief and may not be able to be there for her when she needs it most.

Just listen.

4. Don't hold back your tears. If the adults in your family weren't comfortable with their emotions, then you won't be comfortable with yours either. Don't let discomfort suppress your own sadness and the sadness of the grieving mother.

It's okay if she cries.

It's okay if you cry.

Create a supportive environment for shared grieving, which will be a healing gift for mothers who have lost their child.

5. Pray with your mother. The same fear that keeps us from interacting with grieving mothers - "I do not know what to say!"— keeps us from praying with them. We are afraid that we won’t know what to pray for or that we will talk about something stupid. And we are quite capable of this, yes.

But prayer is a gift we can give to a mother whose heart hurts. You don't have to have the right words. Pray in silence. Pray according to prayer books. Pray the Scriptures.

Prayer reminds grieving mothers that their pain is not indifferent to you or to God.

6. Remember and revisit maternal loss. Weeks, months, and years later, it may be tempting to believe that if we do not remind her of the painful loss, we will be doing her a favor by not revisiting the topic of her loss.

It's hard to think of anything further from the truth.

Moms won't forget. Moreover, the prophet Isaiah uses very absurd hyperbole to demonstrate God's holy memory: “Shall a woman forget her suckling child, lest she have compassion on the son of her womb?”(Isaiah 49:15).

Here's the intuitive answer: "No, of course not! This is impossible!"

The Prophet continues: “But if she has forgotten, then I will not forget you.”(Isaiah 49:15).

God does not forget us in our pain, loss and grief; and the mother you love will not forget her child. She won't forget him after the funeral. She won't forget him when she returns to work. She won't forget when she gives birth to another child. She will never forget.

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Mark your baby's birthday and death anniversary on your calendar so you can continue to have a connection with the mother who hasn't forgotten.

I know how terrible it can feel to be around mothers who have lost a child. But as you do so, know that you are not alone. And when you go through their grief with your mothers, you thereby serve - with your face, voice and body - as the mouth of God Himself, speaking, "I will never forget you!"(Isaiah 49:15).