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The story of how one man fed two generals The Tale of Saltykov-Shchedrin read

Once upon a time there were two generals, and since both were frivolous, soon, pike command, according to my desire, we found ourselves on a desert island.

Generals served all their lives in some kind of registry; they were born there, raised and grew old, and therefore did not understand anything. They didn’t even know any words except: “Accept the assurance of my complete respect and devotion.”

The registry was abolished as unnecessary and the generals were released. Left behind the staff, they settled in St. Petersburg, on Podyacheskaya Street in different apartments; Each had their own cook and received a pension. Only suddenly they found themselves on a desert island, woke up and saw: both were lying under the same blanket. Of course, at first they didn’t understand anything and began to talk as if nothing had happened to them.

Strange, Your Excellency, I had a dream today,” said one general, “I see as if I was living on a desert island...

He said this, but suddenly he jumped up! Another general also jumped up.

God! Yes, what is this! Where are we! - both cried out in voices that were not their own.

And they began to feel each other, as if not in a dream, but in reality such an opportunity happened to them. However, no matter how hard they tried to convince themselves that all this was nothing more than a dream, they had to be convinced of the sad reality.

In front of them, on one side, lay the sea, on the other side lay a small piece of land, behind which lay the same boundless sea. The generals cried for the first time after they closed the registry.

They began to look at each other and saw that they were in nightgowns and had an order hanging around their necks.

Now let's have a nice cup of coffee! - said one general, but he remembered what an unheard of thing happened to him, and he cried for the second time.

What are we going to do, though? - he continued through tears, - if you write a report now, what good will come of it?

“That’s what,” answered the other general, “you, Your Excellency, go to the east, and I will go to the west, and in the evening we will meet again at this place; maybe we'll find something.

They began to look for where the east is and where the west is. We remembered how the boss once said: “If you want to find the east, then turn your eyes to the north, and in right hand you will get what you are looking for." They began to look for the north, stood this way and that, tried all the countries of the world, but since they had served in the registry all their lives, they found nothing.

Here's what, Your Excellency: you go to the right, and I'll go to the left; it will be better this way! - said one general, who, in addition to being a receptionist, also served as a calligraphy teacher at the school of military cantonists and, therefore, was smarter.

No sooner said than done. One general went to the right and saw trees growing, and all sorts of fruits on the trees. The general wants to get at least one apple, but they all hang so high that you have to climb. I tried to climb, but nothing happened, I just tore my shirt. The general came to the stream and saw: the fish there, as if in a fishpond on the Fontanka, were teeming and teeming.

“If only there were some fish like that on Podyacheskaya!” - thought the general and even his face changed from appetite.

The general went into the forest - and there hazel grouse were whistling, black grouse were talking, hares were running.

God! some food! some food! - said the general, feeling that he was already starting to feel sick.

There was nothing to do, I had to return to the appointed place empty-handed. He arrives, and the other general is already waiting.

Well, Your Excellency, have you thought of anything?

Well, I found an old issue of Moskovskie Vedomosti, and nothing more!

The generals went to bed again, but they couldn’t sleep on an empty stomach. Either they are worried about who will receive their pension for them, or they remember the fruits they saw during the day, fish, hazel grouse, black grouse, hares.

Who would have thought, Your Excellency, that human food, in its original form, flies, swims and grows on trees? - said one general.

Yes,” answered another general, “I must admit, and I still thought that the rolls would be born in the same form as they are served with coffee in the morning!”

Therefore, if, for example, someone wants to eat a partridge, he must first catch it, kill it, pluck it, fry it... But how to do all this?

How to do all this? - Like an echo, another general repeated.

They fell silent and began to try to sleep; but hunger decisively drove away sleep. Hazel grouse, turkeys, piglets flashed before our eyes, juicy, slightly browned, with cucumbers, pickles and other salad.

Now I think I could eat my own boot! - said one general.

Gloves are also good when they are worn for a long time! - another general sighed.

Suddenly both generals looked at each other: an ominous fire shone in their eyes, their teeth chattered, and a dull growl came out of their chests. They began to slowly crawl towards each other and in the blink of an eye they became frantic. Shreds flew, squeals and groans were heard; the general, who was a teacher of calligraphy, took a bite of the order from his comrade and immediately swallowed it. But the sight of flowing blood seemed to bring them to their senses.

The power of the cross is with us! - they both said at once, “we’ll eat each other this way!” And how did we get here! who is the villain who played such a trick on us!

It is necessary, Your Excellency, to amuse yourself with some conversation, otherwise we will have a murder here! - said one general.

Get started! - answered the other general.

For example, why do you think the sun rises first and then sets, and not vice versa?

You are a strange person, Your Excellency: but you also get up first, go to the department, write there, and then go to bed?

But why not allow such a rearrangement; first I go to bed, I see various dreams and then I get up?

Hm... yes... And I must admit, when I served in the department, I always thought like this: “Now it’s morning, and then it will be day, and then they’ll serve dinner - and it’s time to sleep!”

But the mention of dinner plunged both of them into despondency and stopped the conversation at the very beginning.

I heard from one doctor that a person can for a long time their own juices“to eat,” one general began again.

How so?

Yes, sir. It is as if their own juices produce other juices, these, in turn, still produce juices, and so on, until, finally, the juices stop altogether...

Then what?

Then you need to take some food...

Ugh!

In a word, no matter what the generals started talking about, it always came down to the memory of food, and this irritated the appetite even more. They decided to stop talking, and, remembering the found issue of Moskovskie Vedomosti, eagerly began to read it.

“Yesterday,” one general read in an excited voice, “at the venerable chief of our ancient capital there was a formal dinner. The table was set for a hundred people with amazing luxury. The gifts of all countries have appointed themselves, as it were, a rendezvous at this magical holiday. There was the “Sheksna golden sterlet” [from G.R. Derzhavin’s poem “Invitation to Dinner”], and a pet of the Caucasian forests - pheasant, and, so rare in our north in February, strawberries ... "

Ugh, Lord! Is it really possible, Your Excellency, that you can’t find another item? - another general exclaimed in despair and, taking a newspaper from a comrade, read the following:

“They write from Tula: yesterday, on the occasion of the capture of a sturgeon in the Upa River (an incident that even old-timers will not remember, especially since the sturgeon was identified as a private bailiff B.), there was a festival at the local club. The hero of the occasion was brought in on a huge wooden platter , surrounded by cucumbers and holding a piece of greenery in his mouth, Doctor P., who was the foreman on duty that same day, carefully watched so that all the guests received a piece of the most varied and even whimsical gravy.

Excuse me, Your Excellency, and you seem not to be too careful in your choice of reading! - interrupted the first general and, in turn, taking the newspaper, read:

"They write from Vyatka: one of the local old-timers invented the following original way preparing fish soup: taking a live burbot, first carve it; when, out of grief, his liver will enlarge..."

The generals bowed their heads. Everything they looked at was evidence of food. Their own thoughts plotted against them, for no matter how hard they tried to drive away ideas about steaks, these ideas forced their way in in a violent manner.

And suddenly the general, who was a calligraphy teacher, was struck by inspiration...

“What, Your Excellency,” he said joyfully, “if we could find a man?”

That is, what about... a man?

Well, yes, a simple man... what men usually are! He would now serve us some buns, and catch hazel grouse, and fish!

Hm... a man... but where can I get him, this man, when he is not there?

Just as there is no man, there is a man everywhere, you just have to look for him! He's probably hidden somewhere, shirking work!

This thought encouraged the generals so much that they jumped up as if disheveled and set off to look for the man.

They wandered around the island for a long time without any success, but finally the pungent smell of chaff bread and sour sheepskin led them to the trail. Under a tree, with his belly up and his fist under his head, a huge man was sleeping and was shirking work in the most impudent manner. There was no limit to the generals' indignation.

Sleep, couch potato! - they attacked him, - probably you wouldn’t even know that two generals here have been dying of hunger for two days! Now go to work!

The man stood up: he saw that the generals were strict. I wanted to give them a scolding, but they were frozen, clinging to him.

And he began to act in front of them.

First, he climbed the tree and picked the generals ten of the ripest apples, and took one sour one for himself. Then he dug into the ground and pulled out potatoes from there; then he took two pieces of wood, rubbed them together, and brought out fire. Then he made a snare from his own hair and caught the hazel grouse. Finally, he lit a fire and baked so many different provisions that the generals even thought: “Shouldn’t I give the parasite a piece?”

The generals looked at these peasant efforts, and their hearts played merrily. They had already forgotten that yesterday they almost died of hunger, but they thought: “That’s how good it is to be generals - you won’t get lost anywhere!”

Are you satisfied, gentlemen generals? - the man-lounger asked meanwhile.

We are satisfied, dear friend, we see your zeal! - the generals answered.

Would you allow me to rest now?

Rest, my friend, just make a rope first.

The man now collected wild hemp, soaked it in water, beat it, crushed it - and by evening the rope was ready. With this rope, the generals tied the man to a tree so that he would not run away, and they themselves went to bed.

A day passed, another passed; The man became so adept that he even began to cook soup in a handful. Our generals became cheerful, loose, well-fed, and white. They began to say that here they live on everything ready, but in St. Petersburg, meanwhile, their pensions keep accumulating and accumulating.

What do you think, Your Excellency, did the Babylonian pandemonium really happen or is it just that, an allegory? - one general used to say to another after having breakfast.

I think, Your Excellency, that it really happened, because otherwise how can one explain that there are different languages!

So there was a flood?

And there was a flood, because, otherwise, how could the existence of antediluvian beasts be explained? Moreover, the Moskovskie Vedomosti tells...

They will find a number, sit under the shade, read from board to board, how they ate in Moscow, ate in Tula, ate in Penza, ate in Ryazan - and nothing, they don’t feel sick!

Whether it's long or short, the generals are bored. More and more often they began to remember the cooks they had left in St. Petersburg and secretly even cried.

Is something going on in Podyachesk now, your Excellency? - one general asked the other.

And don't say, Your Excellency! my whole heart sank! - answered the other general.

It’s good, it’s good here - there’s no word for it! and everyone, you know, it’s somehow awkward for a lamb without a bright spot! and it’s a pity for the uniform too!

What a pity! Especially as a fourth grader, just looking at the sewing will make your head spin!

And they began to pester the man: imagine, introduce them to Podyacheskaya! So what! It turned out that the man even knew Podyacheskaya, that he was there, drank honey and beer, it was running down his mustache, but it didn’t get into his mouth!

But Podyacheskaya and I are generals! - the generals were delighted.

And if you saw a man hanging outside the house, in a box on a rope, smearing paint on the wall, or walking on the roof like a fly - that’s me! - the man answered,

And the man began to play tricks on how he could please his generals because they favored him, a parasite, and did not disdain his peasant work! And he built a ship - not a ship, but such a vessel that it was possible to sail across the ocean-sea all the way to Podyacheskaya.

However, look, you rascals, don’t drown us! - said the generals, seeing the boat rocking on the waves.

Rest assured, gentlemen generals, this is not the first time! - the man answered and began to prepare to leave.

The man collected soft swan fluff and covered the bottom of the boat with it. Having settled down, he laid the generals on the bottom and, crossing himself, swam. How much fear the generals gained during the journey from storms and from various winds, how much they scolded the man for his parasitism - this cannot be described with a pen, nor in a fairy tale. And the man rows and rows and feeds the generals with herrings.

Here, finally, is the Mother Neva, here is the glorious Catherine Canal, here is Bolshaya Podyacheskaya! The cooks clasped their hands when they saw how well-fed, white and cheerful their generals were! The generals drank coffee, ate buns and put on their uniforms. They went to the treasury, and how much money they raked in - it’s impossible to tell in a fairy tale or describe with a pen!

However, they didn’t forget about the peasant; They sent him a glass of vodka and a nickel of silver: have fun, man!

Mikhail Evgrafovich Saltykov-Shchedrin

The story of how one man fed two generals

Once upon a time there were two generals, and since both were frivolous, they soon, at the behest of a pike, at my will, found themselves on a desert island.

The registry was abolished as unnecessary and the generals were released. Left behind the staff, they settled in St. Petersburg, on Podyacheskaya Street, in different apartments; Each had their own cook and received a pension. Only suddenly they found themselves on a desert island, woke up and saw: both were lying under the same blanket. Of course, at first they didn’t understand anything and began to talk as if nothing had happened to them.

“It’s strange, Your Excellency, I had a dream today,” said one general, “I see that I live on a desert island...”

He said this and suddenly he jumped up! Another general also jumped up.

- God! Yes, what is this! Where are we! – they both cried out in voices that were not their own.

In front of them, on one side, lay the sea, on the other side lay a small piece of land, behind which lay the same boundless sea. The generals cried for the first time after they closed the registry.

They began to look at each other and saw that they were in nightgowns and had an order hanging around their necks.

– Now let’s have a good drink of coffee! - said one general, but he remembered what an unheard of thing happened to him, and he cried for the second time.

– What are we going to do, though? - he continued through tears. – If you write a report now, what good will come of it?

“That’s it,” answered the other general, “you, Your Excellency, go to the east, and I will go to the west, and in the evening we will meet again at this place; maybe we'll find something.

They began to look for where the east is and where the west is. We remembered how the boss once said: if you want to find the east, then turn your eyes to the north, and in your right hand you will receive what you are looking for. We started looking for the north, went this way and that, tried all the countries of the world, but since we had served in the registry all our lives, we found nothing.

- That's it, Your Excellency; you go to the right, and I will go to the left; it will be better this way! - said one general, who, in addition to being a receptionist, also served as a calligraphy teacher at the school of military cantonists and, therefore, was smarter.

“If only there were some fish like that on Podyacheskaya!” – thought the general and even his face changed from appetite.

The general went into the forest - and there hazel grouse were whistling, black grouse were talking, hares were running.

- God! some food! some food! - said the general, feeling that he was already starting to feel sick.

There was nothing to do, I had to return to the appointed place empty-handed. He arrives, and the other general is already waiting.

- Well, Your Excellency, have you thought of anything?

End of introductory fragment.

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Well, there were two generals, and since both were frivolous, they soon, at the behest of a pike, at my will, found themselves on a desert island.

“It’s strange, Your Excellency, I had a dream today,” said one general, “I see as if I was living on a desert island...”

He said this, but suddenly he jumped up! Another general also jumped up.

- God! Yes, what is this! Where are we! - both cried out in voices that were not their own.

In front of them, on one side, lay the sea, on the other side lay a small piece of land, behind which lay the same boundless sea. The generals cried for the first time after they closed the registry.

They began to look at each other and saw that they were in nightgowns and had an order hanging around their necks.

- Now let’s have a good drink of coffee! - said one general, but he remembered what an unheard of thing happened to him, and he cried for the second time.

- What are we going to do, though? - he continued through tears, - if you write a report now, what good will come of it?

“That’s it,” answered the other general, “you, Your Excellency, go to the east, and I will go to the west, and in the evening we will meet again at this place; maybe we'll find something.

They began to look for where the east is and where the west is. We remembered how the boss once said: “If you want to find the east, then turn your eyes to the north, and in your right hand you will receive what you are looking for.” We started looking for the north, went this way and that, tried all the countries of the world, but since we had served in the registry all our lives, we found nothing.

- Here's what, Your Excellency: you go to the right, and I'll go to the left; it will be better this way! - said one general, who, in addition to being a receptionist, also served as a calligraphy teacher at the school of military cantonists and, therefore, was smarter.

“If only there were some fish like that on Podyacheskaya!” - thought the general and even his face changed from appetite. The general went into the forest - and there hazel grouse were whistling, black grouse were talking, hares were running.

- God! some food! some food! - said the general, feeling that he was already starting to feel sick.

There was nothing to do, I had to return to the appointed place empty-handed. He arrives, and the other general is already waiting.

- Well, your Excellency, have you done anything?

- Yes, I found an old issue of Moskovskie Vedomosti, and nothing more!

- Who would have thought, Your Excellency, that human food, in its original form, flies, swims and grows on trees? - said one general.

“Yes,” answered the other general, “I must admit, and I still thought that the rolls would be born in the same form as they are served with coffee in the morning.”

- Therefore, if, for example, someone wants to eat a partridge, he must first catch it, kill it, pluck it, fry it... But how to do all this?

- How to do all this? - Like an echo, another general repeated.

“Now I think I could eat my own boot!” - said one general.

- Gloves are also good when they are worn for a long time! - the other general sighed.

- The power of the cross is with us! - they both said at once, “we’ll eat each other this way!”

- And how did we get here! who is the villain who played such a trick on us!

“Your Excellency, we need to have some fun with some conversation, otherwise we’ll have a murder here!” - said one general.

- Start! - answered the other general.

- For example, why do you think the sun rises first and then sets, and not vice versa?

- You are a strange person, Your Excellency; but you also get up first, go to the department, write there, and then go to bed?

- But why not allow such a rearrangement: first I go to bed, see various dreams, and then get up?

- Hm... yes... And I must admit, when I served in the department, I always thought so. “Now it’s morning, and then it’ll be day, and then they’ll serve dinner—and it’s time to sleep!”

But the mention of dinner plunged both of them into despondency and stopped the conversation at the very beginning.

“I heard from one doctor that a person can feed on his own juices for a long time,” one general began again.

- How so?

- Yes, sir. It is as if their own juices produce other juices, these, in turn, still produce juices, and so on, until, finally, the juices stop altogether...

- Then what?

- Then you need to take some food...

“Yesterday,” one general read in an excited voice, “the venerable chief of our ancient capital had a ceremonial dinner. The table was set for a hundred people with amazing luxury. The gifts of all countries set themselves a kind of rendezvous at this magical holiday. There was the “Sheksna golden sterlet”, and the pet of the Caucasian forests - the pheasant, and strawberries, so rare in our north in February ... "

- Ugh, Lord! Is it really possible, Your Excellency, that you can’t find another item? - another general exclaimed in despair and, taking a newspaper from a comrade, read the following:

“They write from Tula: yesterday, on the occasion of the capture of a sturgeon in the Upa River (an incident that even old-timers will not remember, especially since the sturgeon was identified as a private bailiff B.), there was a festival at the local club. The hero of the occasion was brought in on a huge wooden platter, lined with cucumbers and holding a piece of greenery in his mouth. Doctor P., who was the foreman on duty that same day, carefully watched so that all the guests received a piece. The gravy was very varied and even almost whimsical..."

- Excuse me, Your Excellency, and you seem not to be too careful in your choice of reading! - interrupted the first general and, in turn, taking the newspaper, read:

“They write from Vyatka: one of the local old-timers invented the following original method of preparing fish soup: taking a live burbot, first carving it; when, out of grief, his liver will enlarge..."

And suddenly the general, who was a calligraphy teacher, was struck by inspiration...

“What, Your Excellency,” he said joyfully, “if we could find a man?”

- That is, how about... a man?

- Well, yes, a simple man... what men usually are! He would now serve us some buns, and catch hazel grouse, and fish!

- Hm... a man... but where can I get him, this man, when he’s not there?

- Just as there is no man, there is a man everywhere, you just have to look for him! He's probably hidden somewhere, shirking work!

This thought encouraged the generals so much that they jumped up as if disheveled and set off to look for the man.

They wandered around the island for a long time without any success, but finally the pungent smell of chaff bread and sour sheepskin put them on the trail. Under a tree, with his belly up and his fist under his head, a huge man was sleeping and was shirking work in the most impudent manner. There was no limit to the generals' indignation.

- Sleep, couch potato! - they attacked him, - probably you wouldn’t even realize that two generals here have been dying of hunger for two days! Now go to work!

The man stood up: he saw that the generals were strict. I wanted to give them a scolding, but they were frozen, clinging to him.

And he began to act in front of them.

First, he climbed the tree and picked the generals ten of the ripest apples, and took one sour one for himself. Then he dug into the ground and pulled out potatoes; then he took two pieces of wood, rubbed them together, and brought out fire. Then he made a snare from his own hair and caught the hazel grouse. Finally he lit a fire and baked so many different provisions that the generals even thought: “Shouldn’t we give the parasite a piece too?”

The generals looked at these peasant efforts, and their hearts played merrily. They had already forgotten that yesterday they almost died of hunger, and they thought: “That’s how good it is to be generals - you won’t get lost anywhere!”

—Are you satisfied, gentlemen generals? — the man-lounger asked meanwhile.

- We are satisfied, dear friend, we see your zeal! - answered the generals.

-Will you allow me to rest now?

- Rest, my friend, just make a rope first.

- What do you think, Your Excellency, was there really a Babylonian pandemonium, or is it just that, just an allegory? - one general used to say to another after having breakfast.

- I think, Your Excellency, that it really happened, because otherwise how can one explain that there are different languages in the world!

- So there was a flood?

- And there was a flood, because, otherwise, how could the existence of antediluvian animals be explained? Moreover, the Moskovskie Vedomosti tells...

They will find a number, sit under the shade, read from board to board, how they ate in Moscow, ate in Tula, ate in Penza, ate in Ryazan - and nothing, they don’t feel sick!

Whether it's long or short, the generals are bored. More and more often they began to remember the cooks they had left in St. Petersburg and secretly even cried.

- Is something going on in Podyachesk now, your Excellency? - one general asked the other.

- Don’t say anything, Your Excellency! My whole heart was aching! - answered another general.

- It’s good, it’s good here - there’s no word! and everyone, you know, it’s somehow awkward for a lamb without a bright spot! and it’s a pity for the uniform too!

- What a pity! Especially as a fourth grader, just looking at the sewing will make your head spin!

- But Podyacheskaya and I are generals! - the generals were delighted.

- And if you saw a man hanging outside the house in a box on a rope, smearing paint on the wall, or walking on the roof like a fly - that’s me! - the man answered.

- Look, however, rascals, don’t drown us! - said the generals, seeing the boat rocking on the waves.

- Rest assured, gentlemen generals, this is not the first time! - the man answered and began to prepare to leave.

Retelling plan

1. Two generals suddenly found themselves on a desert island. Their conversations and stupid affairs.
2. The generals found a man who began to serve them.
3. A man builds a boat and delivers the generals back to St. Petersburg.

Retelling

Two generals found themselves on a desert island. “Generals served all their lives in some kind of registry; they were born there, raised and grew old, and therefore did not understand anything. They didn’t even know any words except: “Accept the assurance of my complete respect and devotion.” They were dressed in nightgowns, and each had an order around his neck.

None of the generals can determine the cardinal directions, pick an apple from a tree, or catch fish or game. They find the Moskovskie Vedomosti. However, all the articles in the newspaper are about dinner parties. And the generals are increasingly overcome by hunger. Out of hunger they attack each other. The general, who was a calligraphy teacher, bites off and eats the order from his comrade. The sight of blood sobers them up.

A few days later the man learned to “cook soup in a handful.”

“Cheerful, loose, well-fed, white,” the generals are happy that in St. Petersburg they are receiving a large pension, they talk in their spare time about the Babylonian pandemonium, and read the “Moskovskie Vedomosti” without disgust or stomach cramps.

After some more time, the generals demand that they be taken to St. Petersburg. A man built a ship, covered its bottom with swan's down, "and they set off." How much fear the generals gained during the journey from storms and from various winds, how much they scolded the peasant for his parasitism - this cannot be described with a pen, nor in a fairy tale. And the man rows and rows and feeds the generals with herrings.

Arriving in St. Petersburg, the generals drink coffee, eat buns, put on uniforms, and receive huge pensions. And the peasant is sent “a glass of vodka and a nickel of silver: have fun, man!”

Once upon a time there were two generals, and since both were frivolous,

soon, at the behest of the pike, at my desire, we found ourselves on

uninhabited island.

Generals served all their lives in some kind of registry; were born there

raised and grew old, therefore, they did not understand anything. Even words

did not know any, except: “Accept the assurance of my complete respect and

devotion."

The registry was abolished as unnecessary and the generals were released.

Left behind the staff, they settled in St. Petersburg, in Podyacheskaya Street on

different apartments; Each had their own cook and received a pension. Only

suddenly we found ourselves on a desert island, woke up and saw: both under one

lie with a blanket. Of course, at first they didn’t understand anything and started talking,

as if nothing had happened to them.

Strange, Your Excellency, I had a dream today,” he said

one general, I see as if I were living on a desert island...

He said this, but suddenly he jumped up! Another general also jumped up.

God! Yes, what is this! Where are we! - they both cried out, not their own

And they began to feel each other, as if not in a dream, but in reality with them

such an opportunity happened. However, no matter how hard we tried to convince ourselves that all this

nothing more than a dream, I had to be convinced of the sad reality.

The sea stretched out in front of them on one side, and on the other side lay

a small piece of land, behind which lay the same boundless sea.

The generals cried for the first time after they closed the registry.

They began to look at each other and saw that they were in night

shirts, and an order hanging on their necks.

Now let's have a nice cup of coffee! - said one general, but remembered

what an unheard of thing happened to him, and he cried for the second time.

What are we going to do, though? - he continued through tears, - if

Now to write a report - what good will come of it?

That’s it,” answered another general, “come on, yours.”

Excellency, to the east, and I will go to the west, and in the evening again to

we will meet at this place; maybe we'll find something.

They began to look for where the east is and where the west is. We remembered how the boss once

said: “If you want to find the east, then turn your eyes to the north, and

with your right hand you will receive what you are looking for." They began to look for the north,

so, we tried all the countries of the world, but since we served in the military all our lives

registry, they found nothing.

Here's what, Your Excellency: you go to the right, and I'll go to the left;

it will be better this way! - said one general, who, in addition to the registry,

served as a calligraphy teacher at the school of military cantonists and,

therefore, he was smarter.

No sooner said than done. One general went to the right and saw trees growing,

and on the trees there are all sorts of fruits. The general wants to get at least one apple, but that’s all

They hang so high that you have to climb. I tried to climb - nothing happened,

I just tore my shirt. The general came to the stream and saw: there were fish there, as if in

the cage on the Fontanka is teeming and teeming.

“If only there were some fish like that on Podyacheskaya!” - thought the general and even

his face changed from appetite.

The general went into the forest - and there hazel grouse were whistling, black grouse were talking, hares

God! some food! some food! - said the general, feeling that he was already

starts to feel sick.

There was nothing to do, I had to return to the appointed place with empty

hands. He arrives, and the other general is already waiting.

Well, Your Excellency, have you thought of anything?

Well, I found an old issue of Moskovskie Vedomosti, and nothing more!

The generals went to bed again, but they couldn’t sleep on an empty stomach. That worries them

the thought of who will receive a pension for them, then I remember what I saw during the day

fruits, fish, hazel grouse, black grouse, hares.

Who would have thought, Your Excellency, that human food, in

original form, flies, swims and grows on trees? - said one

Yes,” answered the other general, “I must confess, and I still thought that

The buns will be born in the same form as they are served with coffee in the morning!

Therefore, if, for example, someone wants to eat a partridge, he must

first catch her, kill her, pluck her, fry her... Just how does all this

How to do all this? - Like an echo, another general repeated.

They fell silent and began to try to sleep; but hunger decisively drove away sleep.

Hazel grouse, turkeys, piglets flashed before my eyes, juicy, slightly

browned, with cucumbers, pickles and other salad.

Now I think I could eat my own boot! - said one

Gloves are also good when they are worn for a long time! - the other sighed

Suddenly both generals looked at each other: a light shone in their eyes.

an ominous fire, teeth chattering, a dull growl emanating from his chest. They started

slowly crawl towards each other and in the blink of an eye they went berserk.

Shreds flew, squeals and groans were heard; general who was a teacher

calligraphy, took a bite of the order from his comrade and immediately swallowed it. But

the sight of flowing blood seemed to bring them to their senses.

The power of the cross is with us! - they both said at the same time, - after all, we are each other

Let's eat a friend! And how did we get here! who is the villain who is above us?

played a thing!

It is necessary, Your Excellency, to amuse yourself with some conversation, but

then we will have a murder here! - said one general.

Get started! - answered the other general.

For example, do you think why the sun rises first and then

comes in and not the other way around?

You are a strange person, Your Excellency: but you, too,

do you get up, go to the department, write there, and then go to bed?

But why not allow such a rearrangement; first I go to bed,

I see various dreams, and then I get up?

Hm... yes... And I must admit, when I served in the department, it was always like this

thought: “Now it’s morning, and then it’ll be day, and then they’ll serve dinner - and

time to sleep!"

But the mention of dinner plunged both of them into despondency and stopped the conversation in

at the very beginning.

I heard from one doctor that a person can

“eat on your own juices,” one general began again.

How so?

Yes, sir. Their own juices seem to produce other juices, these,

in turn, they still produce juices, and so on, until finally the juices

won't stop at all...

Then what?

Then you need to take some food...

In a word, no matter what the generals started talking about, he constantly

came down to the memory of food, and this irritated the appetite even more.

They said: stop talking, and, remembering the found number of the Moscow

The chief of our ancient capital had a ceremonial dinner. The table was set at

a hundred people with amazing luxury. The gifts of all countries were assigned to themselves, as it were

rendezvous at this magical holiday. There was also a “Sheksninsk sterlet”

golden" [from the poem "Invitation to Dinner" by G.R. Derzhavin], and a pet

Caucasian forests, - pheasant, and, so rare in our north in February

month, strawberries..."

Ugh, Lord! Yes, really, Your Excellency, you can’t

find another item? - another general exclaimed in despair and, taking

comrade's newspaper, read the following:

"They write from Tula: yesterday, on the occasion of the capture of a sturgeon in the Upa River

(an incident that even old-timers will not remember, especially since in sturgeon

private bailiff B. was identified), there was a festival at the local club. The culprit

the celebrations were brought in on a huge wooden platter, lined with cucumbers and

holding a piece of greenery in its mouth. Doctor P., who was on duty that same day

the foreman carefully watched so that all the guests received a piece. Gravy

was the most varied and even almost whimsical..."

Excuse me, Your Excellency, and you, it seems, are not too

Be careful what you read! - interrupted the first general and, taking it into his own

queue, newspaper, read:

"They write from Vyatka: one of the local old-timers invented the following

an original way of preparing fish soup: taking a live burbot, first

flog him; when, out of grief, his liver will enlarge..."

The generals bowed their heads. Whatever they turn their eyes to is everything

indicated food. Their own thoughts plotted against them, for

no matter how hard they tried to drive away the idea of beefsteaks, but the idea

these made their way through violence.

And suddenly the general, who was a calligraphy teacher, had an epiphany

inspiration...

“And what, Your Excellency,” he said joyfully, “if we

find a man?

That is, what about... a man?

Well, yes, a simple man... what men usually are! He would give us

Now I would serve some buns, and catch hazel grouse, and fish!

Hm... a man... but where can I get him, this man, when he is not there?

Just as there is no man, there is a man everywhere, you just have to look for him!

He's probably hidden somewhere, shirking work!

This thought encouraged the generals so much that they jumped up as if disheveled.

and set off to look for the man.

For a long time they wandered around the island without any success, but finally

the smell of chaff bread and sour sheepskin put them on the trail. Under the tree,

With his belly up and his fist under his head, a huge man was sleeping and

avoided work in the most impudent manner. The indignation of the generals is at its limit

Sleep, couch potato! - they attacked him, - I suppose you can’t even lead your ears,

that two generals here have been dying of hunger for two days! Now go to work!

The man stood up: he saw that the generals were strict. I wanted to give from them

Streak, but they remained numb, clinging to him.

And he began to act in front of them.

First of all, he climbed a tree and picked the generals ten of the most

ripe apples, but took one for myself, sour. Then he dug in the ground - and

got potatoes from there; then he took two pieces of wood and rubbed them together

friend - and drew fire. Then he made a snare out of his own hair and caught it

hazel grouse Finally, he lit a fire and baked so many different provisions that

The generals even thought: “Shouldn’t we give the parasite a piece?”

The generals looked at these peasant efforts, and their hearts were happy

were playing. They had already forgotten that yesterday they almost died of hunger, but they thought: “Here

How good it is to be generals - you won’t get lost anywhere!”

Are you satisfied, gentlemen generals? - asked meanwhile

man-lounger.

We are satisfied, dear friend, we see your zeal! - the generals answered.

Would you allow me to rest now?

Rest, my friend, just make a rope first.

A man just picked up wild hemp, soaked it in water, beat it, crushed it

And by evening the rope was ready. With this rope the generals tied

the man to the tree, so as not to run away, but they themselves went to bed.

A day passed, another passed; the man became so contrived that he even began

Boil soup in a handful. Our generals have become cheerful, loose, well-fed,

white. They began to say that they live here with everything ready, but in

In St. Petersburg, meanwhile, their pensions keep accumulating and accumulating.

What do you think, Your Excellency, was it really

Babylonian pandemonium or is it just that, just an allegory? -

It used to be that one general said to another after having breakfast.

I think, Your Excellency, what really happened, because

Otherwise, how can we explain that there are different languages in the world!

So there was a flood?

And there was a flood, because otherwise how could one explain

existence of antediluvian beasts? Moreover, in the Moskovskie Vedomosti

They will find the number, sit under the shade, read from board to board, as they did in

Moscow, ate in Tula, ate in Penza, ate in Ryazan - and nothing, I don’t feel sick!

Whether it's long or short, the generals are bored. More and more often

they remember the cooks they left in St. Petersburg and secretly even

cried.

Is something going on in Podyachesk now, your Excellency? -

one general asked the other.

And don't say, Your Excellency! my whole heart sank! - answered

another general.

It’s good, it’s good here - there’s no word for it! and everything, you know, is somehow awkward

a lamb without a collar! and it’s a pity for the uniform too!

What a pity! Especially, both fourth grade and one sewing

Look, your head will spin!

And they began to pester the man: imagine, introduce them to Podyacheskaya! AND

Well! it turned out that the man even knew Podyacheskaya, that he was there,

I drank honey-beer, it flowed down my mustache, but it didn’t get into my mouth!

But Podyacheskaya and I are generals! - the generals were delighted.

And I, if you saw: a man hanging outside the house, in a box on a rope, and

smears paint on a wall, or walks on the roof like a fly - it’s me and

There is! - the man answered,

And the man began to speculate on how to please his generals

because they favored him, a parasite, and did not disdain his peasant labor!

And he built a ship - not a ship, but such a vessel that it was possible

ocean-sea swim all the way to Podyacheskaya.

However, look, you rascals, don’t drown us! - said the generals when they saw

a boat rocking on the waves.

Rest assured, gentlemen generals, this is not the first time! - the man answered and began

prepare to leave.

The man collected soft swan fluff and covered the bottom of the boat with it. Tired,

laid the generals on the bottom and, crossing himself, swam. How many have you gained?

the generals were afraid during the journey from storms and from different winds, how many they

scolded a man for his parasitism - this cannot be described with a pen, nor in a fairy tale

say. And the man rows and rows and feeds the generals with herrings.

Here, finally, is the Mother Neva, here is the glorious Catherine Canal, here is

Big Podyacheskaya! The cooks clasped their hands when they saw what kind of

the generals became well-fed, white and cheerful! The generals drank coffee and ate

buns and put on uniforms. They went to the treasury, and how much was there?

they've raked in some money - that's something you can't tell in a fairy tale or even describe with a pen!

However, they didn’t forget about the peasant; sent him a glass of vodka and a nickel of silver:

have fun, man!