Mother of an angel. Having lost her son, Natalya helps others cope with grief. Neither a widow nor an orphan: the story of a mother who lost her son

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“I like to talk about my Matvey - he was so bright, talented, spiritually generous... It’s terrible that every time I talk about him, I have to start with tragedy and grief. And every time answer the same questions: “How long has it been?..” But who cares how long! He's not here right now, all the time. People think pain is hardest to bear when it is fresh. But they are wrong. The hardest thing every time is to start a story about him with his death, instead of talking about his life. He was the exact opposite of suffering. And what is important is not that he died, but that we were together all these wonderful years, when I had the opportunity to be close and get to know him, get to know him. But few people can or want to understand this. When something terrible happens, they take you by the arm, cry with you, and this is natural and necessary, as if touching your body is the only way to keep you alive. And then at some point there’s simply no one around. Little by little, emptiness and silence envelops you. And a time comes when you no longer have the right to speak, because no one has the desire to listen to you.

You see how other people's children grow up, how others become grandparents - how I dreamed of grandchildren! - and you don’t understand what to do with this other people’s happiness, which makes you burn from the inside. When you meet someone with friends, you dread the inevitable question:

- Do you have children?

- Yes son.

- What does he do?..

When Matvey was born, I was very young and I had no one to talk to about him, because none of my friends had children yet. And today it’s the same again. Or, on the contrary, they begin to tell me in detail about their children, as if trying to make up for my loss. They don’t understand anything, and you have to adapt to them all the time, you learn to remain silent, dodge or change the subject. And not answer anything when the anniversary passes and they say to you: “I thought about you a lot, but somehow I didn’t dare to call.” And how I wish they could be resolved... I even went to a psychotherapist to learn how to live with others. And so that there is someone to say this word that no one wants to hear. I paid to be listened to and helped to find a word that could describe what I had become: neither a widow nor an orphan. I understood that there was simply no word for people like me. What do you call a parent who has lost their child? Once upon a time in the old days, an orphan was called not only a child, but also a parent, but today this meaning has been lost. I started looking for this word in other languages. It turned out that he was not there! In one book I read: “Even in Russian such a word does not exist.” I know that sometimes words are made up, and I would like to see such a word re-invented. Not only for the sake of us, those to whom this happened, but also for the sake of you - those who meet us, talk to us, get to know us. For the sake of our humanity. So I started thinking - what does it take to invent a word? I typed on the Internet at different languages“there is not enough word”, I flipped through thousands of pages and found out that this word is missing in almost all countries Western culture and that it is absolutely necessary, because almost everyone knows someone to whom the same thing happened as to me.

I felt less alone and more powerful. I realized that I had to write about how unbearable it is every time I mention my child to talk about death again, and that we need a word that will save us from this painful necessity, and that I cannot do it myself. invent it. Then I took Blank sheet paper and started writing, and something inside me demanded: “Say this, say that!” I wrote, and the pain subsided. I wrote and sent letters - to the French Academy, to the editors of the Dictionary of the French Language, to various ministries: justice, culture, protection of rights, to the economic council, linguists, anthropologists, psychotherapists and Simone Weil. I wanted to start a discussion, civil and universal. Because when they start talking about something, they start thinking about it. I wanted to entrust this matter to others and stop doing it. And they answered me, almost everything, sometimes with unexpected cruelty. With the same cruelty in administrative documents they demand to check the box “child”, with the same cruelty they answer you when you say that you have a son, but he died. “We don’t see the need for a neologism,” I was told in one place. “Childless again,” another suggested, as if the fact that you had a child could be undone, as if that child never existed. Reading all these answers, I realized that I was not the first to ask this question, and that even experts do not know what to call the terrible thing that happened to us, and that everyone agreed to remain silent about it. And leave us alone with this silence. But I do not want. I need this word, and I'm not alone. And I continued to send out my letters.

I am an actress, I am used to saying words invented by others. And for the first time in my life, I spoke on my own behalf without fear. I even spoke publicly in front of several interested spectators. I dared to go out to them and speak out loud about this important and deeply personal need for me, without becoming immodest and without losing my dignity. And then they came over to say thank you. They understood! And I finally had the feeling that I was doing something useful, and not only for myself. And the more I talked about what I was doing, the more they listened to me. And the more they listened to me, the more strength I had to talk about it. And I even began to be a little proud of the trust that my listeners place in me. I think Matvey would be proud too.

I don't know if I'm better, but I feel alive. I didn't start this business to find new meaning life, but it so happened that I found it. And I'm going to continue. Read out your appeal different people to encourage them to start a discussion, to break this silence. Among the replies I received was one from the French Council for Economy, Society and environment- and it said that after collecting a certain number of signatures, it would be possible to submit an official request there. So I started a petition. How more people sign it, the more strength and courage I will have to fight for the search for this word. Perhaps not an easy thing to say out loud, but without a doubt vital for all of us.”

You can sign the petition at website.

Petition text

The French language is missing a word. Everyone should be able to use French V various fields Everyday life. This right is not respected for a parent who has lost their child and who has to answer questions about marital status, including in administrative documents: Do you have children? How many children do you have? The parent of a deceased child will forever be that child's father or mother, so how should they answer these questions?

Asking parents for answers about their marital status in everyday life and in administrative documents, without allowing them to report a child who no longer exists, means:

• deny the memory of this child,
• make them remember death when talking about their child,
• sentence them to isolation due to concerns about “how to say it”,
• take away from them the parental love they feel for this child.

We sign this petition to support and encourage this just and deeply humane endeavor.

Instructions

Previously, when medicine was not so developed, such grief in families happened quite often. Therefore, people developed an approach and determined the subsequent stages of the tragedy experienced by the relatives of the deceased. You need to know the stages of grief to control your state of mind. This will help you understand in time whether you are stuck in one of them, so that in this case you can turn to professionals for help.

The first stage is shock and numbness, in which you do not believe in the loss and cannot accept it. At this stage, people behave differently, some freeze with grief, some try to organize funerals and console other relatives. “Depersonalization” occurs when a person does not really understand who he is, where he is and why he is. Soothing tinctures and massage treatments will help here. Don't be alone, cry if you can. This stage lasts about nine days.

Then, up to days, the stage of denial may continue, in which you will already understand your loss, but your consciousness will not yet be able to come to terms with what happened. Often during this period people hear the steps and voice of the departed. If you dream about him, then talk to him in your sleep, ask him to come to you. Talk about it with your relatives and friends, remember it. During this period, frequent tears are considered normal, but they should not continue all day long. If the stage of blocking and numbness continues, you need to consult a psychologist.

IN next period, which lasts up to six months after death, acceptance of the loss and awareness of the pain must come. It may weaken and strengthen again during this period. After three months, a crisis may occur, a feeling of guilt may appear: “I didn’t save you,” and even aggression – “You left me.” During this period, aggression can be transferred to others: doctors, friends son, state. These feelings are normal, the main thing is that they do not become dominant and the aggression does not drag on.

Some pain relief will occur within a year after death, but a new surge is usually expected within a year. If you already know how to manage your grief, then your feelings will not be as heightened as they were on the day of the tragedy.

If you have gone through all these stages normally, then by the end of the second year the “grieving” process is completed. This does not mean that you will forget about the grief you experienced, but by this time you will have learned to live without the deceased and remember him brightly; your sadness will no longer always be accompanied by tears. You will have new plans, new goals and incentives for life.

The worst grief for parents is the death of their beloved child. When this happens, it seems that life is over and there will never be anything bright and good in it again. In such a situation, it is necessary at all costs to find strength in order to be able to cope with the pain of loss and start over with a new leaf.

You will need

• - Personal diary;
• - consultation with a psychologist.

Instructions

Do not hold back your emotions: cry, scream - give vent to all the feelings you experience. If possible, do this alone, being careful not to scare other family members.

Having temporarily cast aside heavy thoughts and freed yourself from pain, try to analyze what happened from the outside. Your child has passed away, it is very sad, but thousands of children die every day in the world. All people are born into the world to die. Yes, he was too small, he could have whole life, but what would she be like - happy or not? You don't know this. If you believe in God, you will be able to bear the pain of loss more easily. After all, everything happens according to the will of the Lord, doesn’t it? Believe in the possibility of meeting your son or another - eternal life.

Don't isolate yourself, try to lead active image life. At first it will be very difficult for you to do anything: leave the house, work, eat, do everyday activities. Force yourself, overcome your reluctance to do anything.

Join other family members to process your grief together. Don't blame them for suffering less than you, each person experiences grief differently. If you have other children in your family, pay attention to them, they are also having a hard time now. Among other things, they sense your emotional state.

Remember that time heals any pain. Gradually, day after day, try to add some new positivity to your life, let it manifest itself even in small things: an accidentally dropped smile for one of your loved ones or friends, a gift for yourself or your beloved family members, watching an interesting positive film and etc.

Hello!
I would like to get advice on how to help my colleague.
My colleague: a couple of years older than me, pretty, well-groomed, she has one daughter with her parents (both are alive and live separately, but nearby), she has been divorced for a long time, and had one son, 23 years old. December 15, 2014 My son suddenly dies of acute heart failure. Our small team (very good in all respects) was shocked; they helped with the funeral, morally and financially, everyone was filled with sympathy and understanding. My colleague behaves very dignified and steadfast, goes to work, and communicates.
BUT! I see and understand that I am holding on with all my strength. I myself have a 22-year-old daughter, and my colleague and I had and have had a trusting relationship (friendly), although we are different - but there is also a lot of understanding - both are frank, sociable, with a technical education, working, reading. She tells me that she has already tried a healer, a psychologist (I don’t know the details), and religion (she is a believer, but not a fanatic). It seems to help a little, and then it comes back again. She herself sees her weakness in the fact that there is no shoulder nearby: no husband or loved one, no sister or brother, no other children. Parents are old, it’s even harder for them!
Of course, due to my 42 years, I have seen different things in life - difficult divorces, and different problems in life (I’m now in my second marriage, the first was a difficult divorce), but such a tragedy, of course, outweighs everything I’ve seen, and I feel so sorry for my colleague that I think about her every hour, very much for her I'm worried, I really want to help.
Another detail is that we are people of average income - we have an apartment and a car, we have a job (in the IT sector), but there are no extra big money, for example, to go around the world or to Africa to look after cheetahs and so on - this, unfortunately, is not possible, and we have a crisis in our country now!!!(((
I would like to especially note that she practically does not complain; from our team, only I and one other employee say something (he graduated from theological seminary at one time and is so open to communication).
Ask! Tell me what options I should think about, what to do, how to help me (and all of us) a person, what can I advise her, what are her goals in life, what is the way out? What to try, where to move...
My idea is that it would be good, of course, for her to get married, but today it is even more difficult for her, in such and such a state.
Thank you!
Sincerely.

Olga, Kyiv, Ukraine, 42 years old

Psychologist's answer:

Hello Olga.

A terrible loss for a mother. You can never be prepared for something like this. Now there is grief and loss in her soul. When people around, loved ones see this person’s condition, they want to help, but unconsciously act in the direction of making the pain end faster. In fact, a person must allow himself and have support from others - allow himself to feel pain. This grieving process can take a long time, and there are no rules for how this has happened to anyone or what is most acceptable to feel and how. This is her grief, and it is unique. In case of unexpected premature death The parent’s child may be greatly tormented by a feeling of guilt that he neglected or gave birth to a child who was unable to live full life, this feeling of guilt must be overcome, passed through. Children have their own destiny, parents are not gods and not everyone can do everything. Parents are limited in their ability to influence the fate of their children. What does this mom have now? Love. No one will ever take away her love for her child. No death. Nothing. Just like all 24 years of his life and everything they had together, all the memories, joys. Her life is now changed forever, and she will never fill this void left by the death of her son, but she can learn to live with it here, now, in this life, so that she can be reunited with him later. Now she needs to give herself permission to cry, she doesn’t need to be strong. She comes to work and it's a different world, but after that she must allow herself to cry whenever she feels the need. Every day, every night, if she feels that way. This really helps. Oddly enough, laughter also helps, and it is normal to laugh, although it looks to others as disrespect or as something inappropriate. In fact, it is the psyche trying to cope and survive. She can start writing a book or taking notes - everything that she remembers about her son, about his life, and everything that she feels and thinks now, conduct a written dialogue with him, a conversation with him. She can put on music and listen to it even at night with headphones, music is very therapeutic. The best thing classical music. You can create and save some part in the apartment that belongs only to your son, wear his watch, charge his phone, keep this part of the connection with him alive. In order to physically cope with everything that is happening now, you need to monitor your diet, and exercise for the body is also very important, you can run in the park (fast walking). Running also helps a lot. For some people, a support group for those who are also experiencing grief is important; these can be forums, you can correspond with parents who have lost children. The first months are the hardest, but along the way there will be a place, a time, when there will be another sadness with which you can live. Mom will no longer be a helpless victim, there will be something she can control, find meaning, why she is still here, and does her son need it. Need to. Her son needs her to live. He never lost her, and she never lost him either, because love is what they have forever.

Sincerely, Lipkina Arina Yurievna.

Life always ends in death, we understand this with our minds, but when they leave this world Dear people, emotions take over. Death takes some into oblivion, but at the same time breaks others. What to say to a mother who is trying to cope with the death of her only son? How and with what to help? There are still no answers to these questions.

Time does not heal

Psychologists, of course, help bereaved parents. They give advice on how to cope with the death of your son, but before you listen to them, you need to understand several important things. This is especially true for those who want to help their friends or relatives overcome grief.

No one can come to terms with the death of their child. A year will pass, two, twenty, but this pain and melancholy still won’t go away. They say that time heals. This is wrong. A person just gets used to living with his grief. He can also smile and do what he loves, but he will be a completely different person. After the death of a child, a black, deaf void forever settles inside the parents, in which unfulfilled hopes, unspoken words, feelings of guilt, resentment and anger at the whole world huddle like sharp fragments.

With each new breath, these fragments seem to increase, turning the insides into a bloody mess. Of course, this is a metaphor, but those who wonder how to cope with the death of their son experience something like this. Time will pass, and a bloody mess will already become a common occurrence, but as soon as some external irritant reminds you of what happened, sharp thorns will immediately break out of the embrace of emptiness and frantically dig into the already slightly healed flesh.

Stages of Grief

For parents the loss of a son is a terrible tragedy, because it is impossible to find a reason that would justify this departure. But the worst thing is that there is no cure for this torment. Along with the death of a child, a mother buries her heart, it is impossible to survive death of son , as it is impossible to move a mountain from its place. But suffering can be alleviated. You need to live your grief from beginning to end. It will be incredibly difficult, incredibly difficult, but nature itself has a natural mechanism for relieving stress from difficult circumstances. If you go through all the steps, it will become a little easier. So, what stages does someone go through? survived the death of his son:

1. Sobs and hysterics.
2. Depression.
3. Mourning.
4. Parting.

More about the stages

As for the stages of going through grief, at first parents feel shock, this state lasts from 1 to 3 days. During this period, people tend to deny what happened. They think there was a mistake or it was some kind of bad dream. Some parents get stuck at this stage long years. As a result, they begin to experience serious mental disorders. For example, a mother whose one-year-old baby has died can walk in the park for many years, pushing a doll in a stroller.

Soon after shock and denial, the stage of sobs and hysterics begins. Parents can scream until they are hoarse, and then fall into a state of complete emotional and physical exhaustion. This state lasts about a week and then turns into depression. Hysterics happen less and less often, but at the same time anger, melancholy and a feeling of emptiness begin to grow in the soul.

After depression and the parents begin to mourn. They often remember their child, replay the brightest moments from his life. The mental pain recedes for a while, but then it comes again, I want to speak out or talk to someone about my son. This stage can last a very long time, but then the parents still say goodbye to their child and let him go. Heavy, mental torment turns into quiet and bright sadness. After such a tragedy, life will never be the same, but you need to move on. It’s just a pity that the optimistic speeches of friends will not answer the question of how to help mothers survive the death of their son . Only after experiencing grief from beginning to end can you feel some relief.

Creativity, sports, conversations

It is impossible to cure the pain of losing a child, but you can curb it, dull it and learn to distract yourself. How to cope with the death of your son? You can start with something simple, for example, with creativity. In honor of your deceased son, it would be nice to draw a picture, write a poem, or start embroidering. Great for distracting from thoughts physical exercise. The more stress, the more they dull emotions.

You shouldn’t keep everything to yourself, you definitely need to talk to someone, it’s best if it’s a person who is in a similar situation or has been able to cope with his grief. Of course, it may also be that there is no one to talk to, then you need to write about everything that worries you. It is much easier to express your feelings in writing than in conversation, and besides, once expressed, even in this way emotions will exert less pressure.

Medical practice

In such matters, it is better to take the advice of a psychologist. Of course, they won’t teach you how to survive the death of your son, but they will help you a little. First of all, you should contact a good specialist. This is especially true for those who are unable to cope with their experiences on their own. There is nothing wrong with going to a psychologist; this doctor can advise medications, which will take off a little emotional stress, improve sleep and overall well-being of the body. The psychologist will also prescribe several useful recommendations, selected individually for each patient.

You should not resort to alcohol or drugs, and you also do not need to self-prescribe serious medications. These methods will not help you survive the death of your son, but will only worsen the situation.

You should definitely stick to your daily routine. It may be through force, but you need to eat. You need to force yourself to go to bed at the same time. The right regimen helps reduce the amount of stress hormones in the body.

Unspent love

There is another way to cope with grief. The death of a son, like a real curse, will hang like a black cloud over the heads of parents wherever they are. At one point, their world became empty, there was no one else to love, no one to give their care to, no one to pin their hopes on. People withdraw into themselves and stop communicating with others. They seem to be stewing in their own juice.

But man was not created to live alone. We receive everything that is in the life of each of us from other people, so we should not refuse help, we should not ignore calls from friends and relatives, and we should leave the house at least once every few days. It seems to a person that his suffering is unbearable, time and the earth have stopped, and nothing and no one exists anymore. But look around, have other people stopped suffering or dying?

Law of Psychology

The hardest thing to deal with is the death of adult children. At that moment, when it seems that life has not been lived in vain, suddenly the ground disappears from under one’s feet when they report the death of an adult son. The past years begin to seem meaningless, because everything was done for the sake of the child. So how do you survive the death of your only adult son? There is a simple and understandable law in psychology: in order to reduce your own pain, you need to help another person.

If parents have lost their own child, this does not mean that no one else needs their care and love. There are many people, both children and adults, who need the help of others. People take care of their children not because they expect gratitude from them, but do it for the sake of their future and the future of subsequent generations. The care that dead children can no longer receive must be directed to others, otherwise it will turn to stone and kill its owner.

And while a person feels sorry for himself and suffers, somewhere, without waiting for help, another child will die. This is the most effective way to help survive the death of an adult son. Once bereaved parents start helping those in need, they will feel much better. Yes, it will not be easy at first, but time will smooth out all the corners.

Very often the death of a child causes parents to feel guilty. Prevent a tragedy, change history - they think they could do something. But be that as it may, man is not given the power to predict the future and change the past.

Parents also believe that they no longer have the right to experience happiness after the death of their child. Any positive emotions are perceived as betrayal. People stop smiling, day after day they perform routine manipulations that have become automatic, and in the evenings they simply stare into emptiness. But it is wrong to condemn yourself to eternal suffering. For a child, parents are the whole world. What would your child say if he saw his world crumble in his absence?

Reverence to the deceased

You can express your respect to the deceased in other ways without dooming yourself to eternal torment. For example, you can visit the grave more often, pray for the repose, make an album happy photos or collect all his homemade cards together. During periods of melancholy, you need to remember only happy moments and be grateful for the fact that they existed.

On the second Sunday in December at seven in the evening you need to put a candle on the windowsill. On this day, parents who have lost their children unite in their grief. Each light makes it clear that the children illuminated their lives and will forever remain in their memory. It is also hope that grief will not last forever.

You can turn to religion for help. As practice shows, faith helps many people cope with grief. Orthodoxy says that a parent will be able to see his child after death. This promise is very encouraging for elderly parents. Buddhism says that souls are reborn and surely in the next earthly life mother and son will meet again. Hope for new meeting does not allow the mother to break down or die prematurely.

True, there are those who turn away from the faith. They don’t understand why God took their child when murderers and maniacs continue to roam the world. Fathers often tell grief-stricken parents a parable.

Parable

One day, an old man’s daughter died. She was very beautiful and young, the inconsolable parent simply could not find a place for herself. After the funeral, every day he came to Mount Ararat and asked God why he took his daughter, who could live for many more years.

For many months the old man left without an answer, and then one day God appeared before him and asked the old man to make him a staff, then he would answer his question. The old man went to the nearest grove, found a fallen branch and made a staff out of it, but as soon as he leaned on it, it broke. He had to look for stronger material. He saw a young tree, cut it and made a staff, which turned out to be surprisingly strong.

The old man brought his work to God, who praised the staff and asked why he cut a young tree that still had time to grow. The old man told everything, and then God said: “You yourself answered your questions. In order to lean on the staff and not fall, it is always made from young trees and branches. So in my kingdom I need young, youthful and beautiful people who can be a support.”

Children are the rays that illuminate our lives. With their arrival, we rethink a lot and learn a lot. But not everyone is destined to live happily ever after, you need to understand this and continue to live, keeping in your heart the joy that this child was once there.

It is very scary to experience the death of your own son. After all, it is the children who must bury their parents, and not the other way around. A person who has experienced such grief is usually left alone with his experiences. Yes, relatives and friends try to help, but they try to avoid any talk about death. All moral support consists of the words hold on and be strong. We will tell you how to survive the death of your son. This knowledge will be useful for a person who has experienced a terrible tragedy.

How to survive the death of your son - accept all emotions and feelings

You can feel anything: fear, bitterness, denial, guilt, anger - this is natural for a person who has lost a son. None of these feelings can be unnecessary or wrong. If you want to cry, cry. Surrender to your feelings. If you keep all your emotions inside, it will be even harder to cope with grief. Freeing your feelings will help you accept what happened. You won't be able to forget everything at once, but you can find the strength within yourself and come to terms with death. Denying your feelings will not allow you to move on with your life.

How to cope with the death of your son - make an appointment with a psychotherapist

There are psychotherapists who specialize in such cases. Every city should have an intelligent specialist. Be sure to talk to him before recording. Find out worked Is he with such people and, of course, what is the cost of the sessions. In any case, you need a specialist with extensive experience.

How to cope with the death of your son - forget about deadlines

No one forces you to stop grieving after some time. Each person is individual. IN difficult times the emotions may be similar, but everyone experiences grief differently. It all depends on the life circumstances and character of the person.

For quite a long time there has been a concept of accepting grief, consisting of 5 stages. It is believed that everything begins with denial and ends with acceptance. Modern science believes otherwise - accepting grief cannot consist of 5 steps, because people experience an incredible number of feelings at the same time. They come and go, come again and eventually become less noticeable. Recent studies have confirmed that people accept death immediately and do not experience depression and anger - only grief for the person remains.

How to survive the death of your son - the first stage

You can't believe this happened, you feel shocked and numb. Each person has their own reaction - some freeze with grief, others try to forget, calming relatives, organizing funerals and memorials. The person does not understand what is happening to him. Antidepressants, sedatives and massage can help. Don't be alone. Cry - it will help release grief and ease the soul. The stage lasts 9 days.

How to survive the death of your son - the second stage

The denial stage lasts up to 40 days. A person already accepts the loss with his mind, but his soul cannot come to terms with what happened. At this stage, parents can hear footsteps and even the voice of the deceased. You may be dreaming about your son, in which case talk to him and ask him to let you go. Talk about your son with your family, remember him. Constant tears are normal during this period, but don't allow yourself to cry around the clock. If you cannot get out of this stage, consult a psychologist.

How to survive the death of your son - the third stage

Over the next 6 months you must accept the pain and loss. Suffering can ebb and flow. Parents often blame themselves for not protecting their child. Aggression can spread to everyone around: the son’s friends, the state or doctors. These are normal feelings, the main thing is that you don’t overdo it.

How to survive the death of your son - stage four

Experiences become easier a year after the loss. Be prepared for the manifestations of a crisis. By this time, you should learn to manage grief and your feelings will no longer be as terrible as on the first day of the tragedy.

How to survive the death of your son - stage five

The grieving soul calms down by the end of the second year. Of course, your grief will not be forgotten, you will just learn to live with it. Knowing what to do after your son's death will help you move on with your life and think about the future.

People can feel so severe pain that they are thinking about suicide. The pain can be incredibly intense. Drive such thoughts away - it’s better to seek help.