Cool horoscopes by zodiac signs. Unexpected sides of the zodiac signs

Aries is always pleased with himself, which is reflected on his face. He rarely thinks, says and does the same thing. Usually he does everything wrong, but just dare to tell him about it. Then you will regret that you were born into the world. There are legends about the stubbornness of Aries, and not surprisingly, a ram, he is a ram.

If he rests, you can't move him from his place. He always has two opinions on all events and phenomena, one is his, the other is wrong. Aries says that he is never wrong, and therefore he believes that God was most likely an Aries.

In love, Aries are just as stubborn as in everything else. And if he achieves someone's location, then he does this until the object of his passion gets tired of refusing him. And when he achieves the location of a partner, he himself does not know why he needed it.

In the process of the siege (it lasts a very long time), the object loses its attractiveness for him. Those who fall in love with Aries should only be sorry.
In the family, Aries loves to point out, but does not want to do anything. And from such a comfortable position for him, he would never be moved.

Cheerful horoscope for Taurus

Taurus is very stubborn, in this, he is similar to Aries. Only one who will admire Taurus, tell him that he is always right, and, meanwhile, passing off his ideas as the ideas of Taurus, will be able to convince him. Taurus women are very emotional and trusting.

She talks about her love relationships only in superlatives. And, if a man tells her that he cannot live without her, she really believes it.

Taurus men are hoarders and hoarders. They drag into the house everything they can get their hands on: old household appliances, broken furniture, a woman they don't need. And then they wonder why the house is so crowded and noisy (the noise is from a woman who also cannot understand why she was brought here).

Taurus are very fond of various conflicts and gladly take the most ardent part in them, not being interested in the cause of the conflict. And when they find out the reason for the showdown, they beat their chest and say: “Oh my, because of what nonsense they fought!”.

Cheerful horoscope for Gemini

Gemini are two very similar people rolled into one. Since they are very similar, it annoys them and they argue all the time. If one says, “I want this woman,” the other necessarily objects, “What do you need this slut for?” And as a result, the Gemini man chooses another, and then is surprised, “And what did I find in her?”.

Gemini women are contradictory and fickle in their passions. They change men so often that sometimes they don’t even have time to remember the name of the next partner. And in order not to completely get confused in the names of their counterparts, they call everyone the same “my Hercules”, until the next lover turns out to be a short, skinny man.

He, of course, takes such an appeal as a mockery. In everyday life, Gemini is very indecisive. They cannot make the right decision quickly, because one Gemini pulls in one direction, the other - (out of harm) in the other. And it turns out, as in the immortal work of V.I. Lenin "One step forward, two steps back"

Cheerful horoscope for Cancer

Cancers are very cowardly and shy. They are constantly afraid that they will be accused of what, so they try to please everyone and give everyone a bunch of impossible promises. They speak mainly in slogans and stereotypes, so that others do not suspect them of some kind of ulterior motives.

Crayfish lie without blushing (red crayfish are only boiled) and very inventive. Not without reason, among politicians, there are so many Cancers.
In love, Cancers are very careful, meticulously and carefully choose a partner for themselves, even for life, even for the night. Rummaging and sorting out, as in the collapse of second-hand.

And when friends are surprised at such a long search for their beloved (beloved): “What are you choosing a cow for?” Cancers thoughtfully answer: “You can sell a cow, but with this (this) you will suffer all your life (night).

At work, Cancers are sycophants and sycophants, their bosses are gods and celestials, but if the opportunity arises (and it will be safe for Cancer), they will gladly set their feet on their beloved boss.

Cheerful horoscope for Leo

The lion is the king of animals in nature. People of the Leo zodiac sign never forget this. They are arrogant, selfish, always confident in their superiority and do not tolerate other people's opinions. You will be Leo's best friend if you constantly flatter him and praise his virtues.

Lions are very fond of hanging their portraits on the walls, and the larger the images, the better.
Lion women, like the females of the "black widow" spider, if they do not destroy their chosen one immediately after the night of love, then they gnaw at him for the rest of their lives, or until the partner has enough patience.

Leo men love only themselves, they are simply not capable of loving someone else. Therefore, they choose for themselves women who know only two words "yes" and "I obey."

Cheerful horoscope for Virgo

If your zodiac sign is Virgo, then your family and friends are terribly unlucky. You are obsessed with order, scrupulousness and cleanliness. Virgos are extremely accurate and methodical. The need to tidy up and restore cleanliness turns into a passion for them. If you get up from an armchair or sofa in Virgo's apartment, she immediately begins to smooth the cape and shake off non-existent dust from it.

If Virgo gets into a small car accident, then the first thing she says to the inspector who comes up about the second participant in the accident is: “No wonder this teapot had an accident, look how dirty his car is!”.

A mandatory item in the house of the Virgo is a magnifying glass. With her help, she examines all the furnishings in the house, so she is looking for dust particles.
Virgo also strictly plans love relationships, meetings, and sex with her partner take place on schedule.

Cheerful horoscope for Libra

Scales are languid and graceful and full of incomprehensible mystery and incomprehensible, to the rest of mankind, nobility. They love to dress fashionably and carefully follow fashion. Their craving to look fashionable is so great that if someone assures them that it is fashionable: Libra women will put on a skirt inside out, and men will wear a shirt instead of trousers and tie it in a knot at the waist.

Libra loves to teach everyone and explain everything to everyone. For example, with tenacity worthy of a better application, they will tell you how coffee latte differs from coffee with milk. And it is useless to object to them that they are one and the same.

In love, Libras are mysterious and unpredictable. Sometimes the chosen one (chosen one) of Libra cannot understand what the Libra partner is trying to say. Either he invites you to an intimate date, or he says goodbye forever.

Cheerful horoscope for Scorpio

Scorpios consider themselves irresistible personalities, they can look in the mirror for hours and admire their own person. They are great inventors and are always full of grandiose plans, but as soon as it comes to putting these plans into practice, they stop at the very first difficulties, while saying “I didn’t really want to.”

Scorpios are very loving and obscenely sexy. They are proud of their love victories and talk about it on every corner. Here is just one small nuance, Scorpio men like such women, looking at whom the rest of the men say: “No, I can’t drink so much vodka,” and Scorpio women choose for themselves such chosen ones, about whom we can say that they just got off yesterday tree or crawled onto land.

Cheerful horoscope for Sagittarius

Sagittarius are such adventurers that it is simply dangerous to be near them. They may offer you to jump with a parachute, assuring you that they have done it a hundred times and even offer to fold your parachute. Do not agree to anything, otherwise, their satisfied face will be the last thing you see in life.

Do not try to introduce your chosen one (chosen one), if it is Sagittarius, to your parents. The ancestors will be shocked.
Sagittarians are careless and unfaithful lovers. Having parted with you in the evening, assuring you of his passionate love, in the morning he may simply not remember you.

Cheerful horoscope for Capricorn

Capricorns are a kind of mixture of Leo and Virgo. They believe that they are as charismatic as Leos and as logical as Virgos. In fact, they have the self-importance of Lions and the despondency of Devs.

Capricorns are terrible workaholics, but they work with such a gloomy and dull look that they just want to say: “Put on a different face, a little more fun.”

In love, Capricorns are pessimists. His chosen one (chosen one) can prove his love a hundred times, but Capricorn is firmly convinced that he will certainly be abandoned. What happens most often is that the partner gets tired of fighting the universal despondency of Capricorn.

Cheerful horoscope for Aquarius

Aquarians are the most "knowledgeable" people in the world. Ask Aquarius what Nadezhda Krupskaya was ill with in childhood or what stars the Sagittarius constellation consists of, and he will tell you everything with a smart look and very extensively.

Aquarians are very fond of their body, they love to be naked, and therefore they are very willing to visit nudist beaches.
Aquarians are wonderful lovers, and if you still listen to them constantly, agree with everything and admire their vast knowledge, Aquarius will love you like Romeo.

Cheerful horoscope for Pisces

Pisces are very vindictive creatures, God forbid, offend this sign. Outwardly, they will not show that they are offended, but later on you will regret for a long time that you offended Pisces.

Pisces are very slow in everything, and they are the same drivers. If you see that a car is driving along the highway at a speed of 40-50 km per hour, be sure that a representative of this sign is driving.

In love, Pisces are cold and predictable, it's about them they say "snulled fish." But they consider themselves to be almost Scorpions in a love relationship.

Cool horoscopes for the signs of the zodiac seem ridiculous only at first glance. In fact, they are remembered much more clearly - after all, the joke itself "sinks" into memory. You can amuse your friends with a witty answer in an unexpected situation. Or you can take a closer look at yourself and your loved ones - to once again make sure that astrology is really a truthful and exact science.

And it is with the help of cool horoscopes that it will be easy for you to study astrology and delve into its basics. And you don’t have to memorize or drive anything into your head on purpose. Just read comic horoscopes and compare them with the behavior of your friends. Very soon, everything will fall into place in your head, and you will always know what to expect from others and what they expect from you. By the way, this is called "insight." And all thanks to the fact that you just love to read funny horoscopes!

Start with a simple example. Find out, what horoscopes prefer different signs of the zodiac- and check yourself and your friends.

Aries most often looking for a swearing horoscope. Well, what? What else to hang out with friends over a bottle of beer. It especially delivers to him when he is not scolded much, but everyone else - in full.

Taurus treats horoscopes without much confidence and never allows them to influence his life. But the financial and money horoscope sometimes still reads. But only in order to once again make sure that you are right.

Twins absorb all the horoscopes that meet on their turbulent life path. They forget them in exactly one minute - for this reason they do not believe in them.

crayfish, having read something offensive or unpleasant to themselves, they can be offended by all horoscopes in general. They prefer neutral horoscopes: floral, fashion, horoscopes of pets and peoples of the world.

a lion accepts only those horoscopes that exalt him. If you read aloud to him - just skip the "uncomfortable" places, and his favorable attitude is guaranteed to you.

Virgo in general, he does not believe in horoscopes, but he will read a medical horoscope very carefully. If the recommendations are reasonable, then Virgo will bring them to life, and if they seem like nonsense to her, she will reject them with indignation.

Scales love horoscopes love and romantic. But most of all they like horoscopes of compatibility between the signs of the zodiac. After reading them, they are no longer able to choose a partner for themselves - it becomes impossible to make a decision due to a large number of factors.

scorpions first of all look at horoscopes sexual and erotic. They read them quite carefully, memorizing everything well. Then they will definitely try the information received on their partners.

archers they love funny horoscopes, with good humor or unusual comparisons. However, horoscopes do not stay in their head for a long time. And they often understand them in their own way - in their favor.

Capricorn reads horoscopes in order to criticize them. He will look for all the inconsistencies and enjoy it. In the end, he will prove to himself and to everyone that all this is complete nonsense, and you need to be guided only by common sense.

Aquarius reads horoscopes from time to time and selectively memorizes them. Especially appreciates comic horoscopes with caustic jokes. Likes then to quote them at the most inappropriate - from your point of view - moments.

Fish they believe in everything in general - in signs, in signs and, of course, in horoscopes. They adhere to what is written so fanatically that they bring to life everything they read. Naturally, for them, horoscopes turn out to be one hundred percent correct.

copying prohibited

ARIES

21.03 TO 20.04
- Who is our workaholic?
"Who can't stand it when they're superior in some way?"
Whose walk is like running? Who is this?
- It's him, the ever-excited and aggressive Aries!

Aries - Star Ram (or Sheep) - has brilliant positive inclinations and diligence, but he is often irritable, stubborn and quick-tempered. The heat of his passions knows no bounds, and his desire to insist on his own can turn into despotism. He is impulsive and unpredictable.
Aries is an individualist and does not give in to someone else's will. His own strong will knows no limit, the active mind pushes forward without fear of obstacles. However, Aries is not good with people. Hence the usual disappointment for him in dealing with people.
Often - aggressive to the extreme, angry-blunt type, militant and cruel primitive, deeply convinced that happiness should be with burning tears, and good - with pood fists.
Mentally retarded, Aries has difficulty remembering simple things since childhood. Thinking he's blushing from the effort. He would have planted a pig more than once if he could. As a child, Aries dreams of becoming a military or astronaut and therefore constantly starts fights.
From youth, Aries is emotionally easily excitable, but shows either amazing indifference, reaching apathy, or unexpected outbursts of anger with minor setbacks. He does not tolerate objections, and reasonable arguments have no effect on him.
When drunk, Aries is prone to scandals.
His vulgar soul, Baran, is wide open for drinking companions. Likes beer with salty jokes. True, his jokes are flat and rude, and their main subject is the physiological functions of the body. This humor is a characteristic symptom of underdevelopment, or damage to the frontal lobes of the brain, and it is called "frontal humor" in psychiatry. Baran's conversation is like the eloquence of the deaf and dumb. "What, you don't have hands to talk to?" - Aries' favorite saying.
Aries has neither artistic flair, nor good manners, nor the ability to keep himself in society, nor care for his appearance.
In family life, he must be kept away from money - he will spend everything instantly, but he himself does not know where. In society, he is boring: he can talk about himself for hours without noticing others.
All his life, Aries-Baran is busy looking for new (or not so) gates.
Sheep Wives are ambitious and aggressive, but they, constantly drinking their husbands, push them to success, because they have no equal in ambition and enthusiasm.
Sheep husbands are irresponsible. They are difficult to tie to the house. They need companions who would take them with an iron fist.
Aries is a sign of health with a reasonable lifestyle.
Aries should avoid in marriage and friendship Cancer, Scorpio, Pisces. Must look for Libra, Sagittarius, Leo.

CALF

from 21.04 to 21.05
- Who smiles from ear to ear, if he does not contradict?
Who thinks they know the most?
- Who likes fashionable things?
- Who loves baked, and boiled, and fried?
- Oh, it's him, the stubborn and carnivorous Taurus!

A healthy and mercantile boor, Taurus achieves his goal through perseverance and patience. Doesn't give up on things he wants to do. Rarely listens to advice and can suddenly act ahead. More guided by feelings than by reason.
In anger, he is like an angry bull, and his anger is long: he does not forget and does not forgive insults. As a child, Taurus loved to torture animals.
The main disadvantages of Taurus: boringness, lack of imagination, stinginess, a pessimistic view of things, stubbornness, cruelty to themselves and others, callousness. Taurus is conservative in their views.
Petty and boring, Taurus is a sucker and an informer. In life, he keeps his nose to the wind and follows all the instructions of his superiors.
The Taurus man loves to pose as an altruist, and the woman is a martyr. At the same time, Taurus, an actor by nature, actually despises everyone, considering himself in the depths of his soul to be the center of the universe.
Taurus loves wealth, but hoards covertly, albeit relentlessly. He, "the unfortunate ripped off" (A.N. Ryzhov), is ready to take off his last shirt from his neighbor.
In general, the Sign of Taurus (Golden Calf!) is the sign of a banker, and this Taurus should be remembered.
Most of the Taurus love to smoke (more than other signs of the zodiac), and they hardly wean from smoking. But because of his stinginess, Taurus can smoke all sorts of rubbish - from self-garden to cheap "weed".
In company, Taurus can prove to be a pleasant conversationalist, amiable, dexterous, mobile, but sometimes at the same time he becomes painful due to lack of tact, due to his flaunting rudeness, undisguised selfishness and excessive chatter.
In their youth, Taurus has many novels, but soon they realize that marriage is more important to them than success in love.
Taurus enters into marriage by calculation. Very jealous. He also chooses his mistress (lover) according to calculation. Nevertheless, among Taurus, more often than among other Zodiac Signs, there are homosexuals.
An egocentric with sadistic inclinations, Taurus terrorizes the family from childhood to old age, although outwardly it seems polite and affectionate to outsiders. His children must "walk on the line." All family finances are in his (her) hands, and only he (she) has the right to dispose of them.
The Taurus woman is pleasant, but those around her can be overwhelmed by her excessive practicality. She chooses her partner carefully. From her husband, she will always demand both moral and material compensation for the youth and beauty given to him.
Taurus women usually know better than other Zodiac signs how to keep a man with them. But it is from Taurus women that the most terrible and unbearable old maids are obtained.
Taurus does not trust anyone, even himself, and therefore the Taurus husband is painfully jealous.
Being a usurper of all the privileges that he can reach, Taurus in the family is the center and unquestioning manager. He looks different at work, where he is the most helpful member of the team. The authorities favor him.
In general, Taurus, being by nature firmly and firmly sewn, is healthy, hardy and energetic. He is born with a strong constitution and can live to an advanced age without any disease. Most of his illnesses stem from excessive work, drinking, smoking, and love affairs. When ill, Taurus does not recover for too long, falling into despondency and discouragement.
Taurus does not have an inferiority complex, and therefore the best career for him can be a career in politics, a military man or an athlete.
Taurus and Scorpio are two opposites to each other. The union of Taurus with Virgo, Capricorn, Aquarius is not always favorable. Taurus should avoid Pisces and Cancer. Libra and Sagittarius can become partners of Taurus, as well as Leo for love and friendship.

TWINS

from 22.05 to 21.06
- Who likes to make fun of others?
- And who does not tolerate ridicule over himself?
- Who loves endless attention to themselves?
- Of course, these are twins who are always quarreling!

from 22.06 to 22.07
- Who is changeable, like capricious weather: sometimes he fasts, sometimes he allows himself everything?
- And who can hope for the sympathy of this, the most in need of sympathy,
- thick-shelled Cancer?

Cancerians are self-contained losers and fatalists who do not believe that they can change their lives. This leads them to passivity, laziness and inertia.
Among all the Signs of the Zodiac, Cancer is the first contender for the role of an energy vampire, sucking energy from the psychosphere of the environment.
If the Moon is "strong" in the horoscopic birth chart of Cancer (this can only be established by a professional astrologer), then Cancer risks being a "lunar vampire". But we will not need the services of an astrologer to recognize a lunar vampire in Cancer: Cancer-Lunar Vampires are whiners for life, constantly "crying into a vest" and waiting for sympathy. They strive to "load" their wife (husband), and friends, and neighbors, and acquaintances with their experiences, in order to at least partially "load" their cross on them. These abilities of the lunar vampire are closely related to the phases of the moon, escalating during periods of full moon. The Moon controls the Lunar Vampire Cancers, determining the ups and downs of their mood. Cancers are susceptible to the mood of others: at the time of depression, they need to communicate on a psychological level with people who can bring them out of this mood. As soon as the mood of others worsens, Cancer will feel great relief, mental uplift and will come out of a state of mental depression.
If in the horoscopic birth chart of Cancer the Moon is "weak" (this can only be established by a professional astrologer), then Cancer runs the risk of being a "solar vampire". But we can also recognize him without an astrologer, since Cancers-Solar Vampires are brawlers by nature. They choose a victim who is weak and stressed, impose their problem on her and provoke her to argue. The scandals perpetrated by the solar vampire are constant and have nothing to do with the phases of the moon.
"Cancer is hysterical and a liar. If he does not lie, then he is hysterical; if he is not hysterical, then he is lying" (astrologer A.N. Ryzhov).
Cancers are sensual, easily vulnerable and therefore terribly suspicious and touchy. They never forgive anyone for wrongs.
In their work, Cancers are relatively honest and almost reliable, but they do not like innovation. They have a heightened intuition, reaching mysticism, hiding it from others, because they don’t like to stand out from the crowd to the point of stomach cramps.
In life, Cancer is a loser. He is a conservative and opportunist, immersed in introspection. Nothing can change his beliefs. Upon learning that the suit fits him well, Cancer will drag him to the holes.
Cancer argues against any statement from the spirit of contradiction in order to mock the opponent and grow in his own bulging eyes.
From fear, Cancer can attack first, but usually, sensing danger, flees to its hole, to a place that cares and cherishes more than anything else. He gladly denigrates everyone and everything, pretending to be the master of the situation and pretending to be strong and self-confident. In fact, he is afraid of everyone to colic.
Cancer considers everyone to be idlers, for whom he works alone. Everyday work disgusts him, and he imperceptibly shoves it onto others.
It is difficult to find the object of love for Cancer because of his high claims, and having fallen in love, he can pursue the object of love for years.
Cancers are the mothers of all Zodiac Signs. They are good housewives, but usually they love their children more than their spouse. Yes, and they love them like a mother.
Cancers rarely marry at an early age, as they hardly leave their parental home and are too attached to their mother. Cancers are possessive and very jealous. Family for Cancer is his fortress.
Cancer is the only Sign of the Zodiac that can find mutual understanding with all others, but finds special happiness with Scorpio, Virgo, Capricorn and Pisces.

from 23.07 to 23.08
- Who is proud of everything that is related and close to him?
- And who expects the same from his entourage?
- And just can not stand their insensitive look?
- Ah, this is he, the loving and regal LION!

Of course, not everyone is called to rule the empire and the world, but those born under the Sign of Leo have the greatest chance of leadership. Lions are called to both rule and love. They are deeply unhappy if they are not worshipped. They are noble when it does not destroy their power charisma. The world for Leo is a huge stage on which a play written for his dramatic talent is played out. His unattainable arrogance can poison the life of everyone.
"Do not excite the system called Leo, otherwise he will lose his balance and fall on top of you. I didn’t say a word about the vestibule: I'm talking about excitation" (according to A.N. Ryzhov).
At first glance, Leos are confident in themselves, but in reality they are characterized by doubts. They are very concerned about their appearance (especially women). And they love a fat wallet very much.
Leos are generous to those, only to those they love. They are not receptive to the mood of others and never notice the hints they make.
Lions are poorly versed in people, and therefore Lions are conquered by flattery and praise. They are ambitious, shameless and aggressive. At the same time, they are also arrogant.
From early childhood, Leo has a penchant for drinking and extortion. As a child, he extorts money from his parents, then from friends and acquaintances. His exaggerated pride and vanity can poison anyone's life, and gluttony can ruin any pocket. However, he rarely gets fat.
“To screw in a screw for Leo is everything, kranty. First of all, this is not a royal affair! He won’t unscrew it: he will knock him out with an ax along with the wall to his neighbor.
Leo is a locksmith? Well, it's a defective Lion! He must have square genitals. Can't be. Their hands do not grow from there. Here is a senior locksmith, this is yes! ”(According to A.N. Ryzhov).
Leos love to earn big money and even more like to spend it. They borrow a lot, give away, spend, and in general - often live beyond their means.
Lions are the most reckless and avid players in cards, lotto, billiards, but their luck is very doubtful. At the same time, they are incorrigible cheaters.
Leo has the highest success rate of all the signs of the zodiac, but he also has the worst failures.
Leo loves the whole world to revolve around him, therefore he always strives to be the first in everything, if this does not work out, he grows weak and noticeably shrinks in size. He has an unshakable sense of his own greatness, value and infallibility.
Pride is the enemy of Leo, especially if it is not justified by anything. In these cases, mental inflation sets in: depression, quirks, abusive morbid humor. Then he becomes an arrogant and pompous person, punishing others for his unfulfilled ambitions of a tyrant. He becomes a slave to his vices, a petty and restless adventurer who considers only himself. The "Napoleonic complex" that developed against the background of all this can sometimes bring Leo to a madhouse.
They say about Leo that he growls more often than he bites.
Leo's ideal partners are Libra, Cancer, Sagittarius, Aries, Gemini. Lviv has a mutual coldness with Aquarius and with Taurus.

VIRGO

from 24.08 to 23.09
- Who criticizes everything he sees and hears?
- Who analyzes each of his and each of our sneeze?
- Who loves and cherishes even their own illnesses?
- Of course, this is Virgo, a practical bore!

Those born under the sign of Virgo are intelligent and have an analytical mind, but they think too much of themselves. In others, he appreciates only erudition, and therefore often loses friends. For happiness, Virgos often lack ease of communication, although many people born under this Sign have achieved high results in their chosen activities.
But know: if, after a few minutes of communicating with an intelligent person, you want to dismember him and send his remains to several non-existent addresses, this person, according to the horoscope, is most likely Virgo.
Virgo - "Woe from Wit": she constantly chews her mental chewing gum, conducting a mental dialogue with herself, building cages in her mind (not always golden ones), in which she prefers to live.
Virgo has the charm of a pink-faced toad, the gracefulness of an elephant from a china shop, the brains of a calculator.
Virgos are petty, stingy, boring and grumpy. With their tediousness and their nit-picking, Virgos can ruin any business and bring anyone to white heat. Virgo never improvises, and makes up the most detailed, boring and detailed action plans for herself and her loved ones, despite their protests.
Virgo is meticulous when it comes to spending, but she spends a lot. Her sayings: "A miser pays twice" and "If you don't pay extra, you don't inform." Virgo buys expensive things without haggling. However, Virgos love to wear things out and are hesitant to throw away old clothes.
Virgo's pedantry is unbearable. She has a cold calculation in everything, and everything she does is heavy and boring.
The virgins are masters of intrigue, and they will not rest until the entire race of their enemies has been plagued to the tenth generation.
The most terrible marriage, like a cannonball chained to the leg of a prisoner, is "Virgo + Virgo", which Leo Tolstoy had.
Of the negative traits of Virgos, the most repulsive of friends and acquaintances from them is their eternal moralism, bordering on their hypocrisy and their narrow-mindedness.
The body of the Virgo does not feel like a part of nature. He does not have the energy of Aries, the reserve of vitality of Taurus, the elasticity of Gemini, the endurance of Cancer, the resistance of Leo. It is perishable, it tires easily, it often looks painful.
The typical disease of Virgo is constipation and intestinal spasms that threaten to poison the entire system if they are too long. From them, Virgo develops merichlundia (bad mood) and even indigestia (indigestion). But Virgo has a first-class system of iron nerves, and she knows how to deal with health problems. Here is the Virgo's credo: "Beauty will be saved by an enema!".
Virgo monitors the symptoms and does not allow the bad to worsen. True, as a rule, this leads to an exaggerated attention to health, to a mania for cleanliness, to a fear of germs, which excludes all normal contacts, which can even result in sexual abstinence. It is also true that the Virgo's obsession with the mania of cleanliness is periodic, and the very next day the Virgo can get into the mud up to her ears.
The virgins are rude in a Jesuit way: with a delicate narrow-lipped grin, they throw out a whole bag of arguments they have collected. At the same time, their eyes become prickly, and their nose becomes a nose-trunk. And one more thing: when they are rude, they do not lie and do not think anything. These are such infections and ulcers!
Virgo has no natural instinct to do anything. If their heart is caught, they retreat, go into cover to think. They hate and fear all uncertainty and expectation. Passion seems to Virgo a disease of the soul, which the mind must heal. Virgos analyze their feelings, trying to minimize them with the help of reason, doubt, debate and ridicule, nevertheless being attached to the object of passion more than they think.
Virgo is hot ice, and therefore does not pour out her love with words, preferring deeds to words. Tenderness seems to Virgo a form of humiliation, and she considers herself above love lisping. The ingenious slow-witted Virgo often "remains on the beans", being unable to choose, like Buridan's donkey, one of the two, and that is why not a single Sign has more bachelors and old maids, isolated in a cage until the end of days or, as they say, "in an ivory tower".
Virgo men take the 1st place in terms of impotence among all Zodiac Signs.
For Virgo, alliance with Capricorn, Taurus, Scorpio and Cancer is favorable, but she should avoid Aries and Sagittarius.

Comic horoscopes cheer up, but they also contain some truth. Find out what life principles are characteristic of your Zodiac Sign. Among the funny offers you can find useful information and change for the better.

Horoscopes, no matter how comic they are, are based on the observations of astrologers. It is known that planets and constellations influence the nature and behavior of people, which means that the jokes are not so far from the truth. The site site team has compiled a funny horoscope for you, in which the characteristics of each Zodiac Sign fit into short and capacious expressions. We hope that they will help you not only cheer up, but also get rid of your weaknesses.

Aries

Aries can describe themselves. Capacious phrases fully reflect their contradictory and purposeful nature.

1. It's useless to argue with me. You won't redirect me.
2. I will do it first, and then I will think.
3. I don't slow down where everyone slows down.
4. I'll stay young forever, because it's boring to become an adult.
5. You can do the same as me. You still can't do better.
6. Please speak faster. I don't have the patience to listen to you.
7. My stubbornness is not a vice, it was simply born ahead of me.
8. It is much easier to control any situation than emotions.
9. I won't hit you first, but you'd better not touch me.
10. It's good to be honest - unnecessary people themselves stop communicating with me.

Taurus

If Taurus could characterize themselves in a joking manner, they could use the following phrases.

1. You never feel sorry for money for buying things, but always for entertainment.
2. I don't need someone else's, and don't you dare touch mine.
3. It is better to be bad friends than to quarrel kindly.
4. It is better to stay in the usual comfort of four walls than to admire the colors of nature.
5. Food is a wonderful invention of mankind.
6. It is better to go second to save energy.
7. Tasting delicious food and wine is my passion.
8. Be gentle and then you can achieve more than the rest.
9. No need to pull someone who is well settled.
10. Disposable things were invented for disposable people.

Twins

Ten capacious phrases that reveal their character and demeanor are suitable for restless Gemini.

1. Today I am not the same as I was yesterday.
2. It is useful to own the situation - you get more information.
3. One mind is good, but two is better. Especially if both belong to you.
4. Today I am here, tomorrow I am there.
5. Ideas should not gather dust on the shelves with old books.
6. If you didn't make it, then you're late. Need to speed up.
7. You need to move quickly through life so as not to get bogged down in “textures”.
8. I rarely answer for my words, but with humor.
9. There is not enough time for quality, so I take quantity.
10. There should be more means of communication.

Cancer

Cancers will be able to recognize themselves and their manner of behavior by the following interesting phrases, which in a playful way reflect their style of behavior.

1. Life is hard only where it is impossible to hide in a secluded place.
2. Behind the stone walls of my fortress, I am invulnerable to the cruel world.
3. Stocks need to be replenished so that they never run out.
4. Being a babysitter is great. It doesn't matter how old your ward is.
5. If you know how to wait, happiness will eventually find you on its own.
6. With friends you need to meet at home, and not walk around the cafe.
7. The abundance of food in the refrigerator is a real happiness.
8. Money should only be spent on quality items.
9. My past is always with me. And it doesn't bother me at all.
10. Ten years is not a long time for good clothes.

a lion

Proud Leos do not always agree with the characteristics that people around them give them. However, in every joke there is some truth, which is worth listening to.

1. It is much more pleasant to help people than to be in the role of asking for help.
2. Follow me, I know the right way.
3. Good manners are the key to personal success.
4. The sun shines exclusively for Leo.
5. It's nice to make good money, but it's much nicer to spend it.
6. A dictator sometimes needs to be hidden behind a mask of prudence and benevolence.
7. I don't understand how you can not admire me.
8. I need more gold, more pathos and more admiring glances.
9. Even if the thing is not needed, I must have it. Especially if it is expensive and looks chic.
10. The sign on my office door must be spotless.

Virgo

Virgos sometimes need to look at themselves from the outside in order to change their attitude to life. Ten humorous phrases will help you with this.

1. If you work hard, you will surely come out of it.
2. All things should be in their places.
3. Modesty adorns any Virgo.
4. Logic should be in everything, even in love.
5. Everything must look perfect. No crooked paintings.
6. You need to live not only for yourself, but also in order to help others.
7. Large scales are frightening - it is difficult to put things in order in them.
8. Beauty will save the world, especially if you create it with your own hands
9. Throwing away old things is not necessary. They can come in handy at the most unexpected moment.
10. Less hassle, more routine.

Scales

For Libra, the following statements may be familiar. Perhaps they will help you to doubt less and change your behavior for the better.

1. Any business must be done with the appropriate mood.
2. You can win by agreeing.
3. Making a choice is one of the most difficult and tiring activities.
4. Kindness can move mountains.
5. Beauty should be in everything: in the image, in the house, and in the workplace.
6. Information is needed like air.
7. Laziness is the engine of progress.
8. One of the dumbest things to do is argue. It takes too much energy.
9. Doubt sometimes helps to avoid trouble.
10. Not all i's need to be dotted.

Scorpion

If Scorpios could talk about themselves in capacious short phrases, then the following expressions would suit them.

1. You need a good reason to smile.
2. It is a pity that sometimes there is no one to "sting".
3. This world lacks knights.
4. I'm like a cactus: flowers open only for the elite.
5. Revenge should be served cold, but only to those who really deserve it.
6. Even if there is a hurricane inside you, remain outwardly calm.
7. The world needs stations to fill people with emotions.
8. You need to go to the breach, even through the windbreak.
9. People are like books: you just have to open them.
10. You need to take risks constantly, otherwise there will be nothing to remember in old age.

Sagittarius

Sagittarius could make a presentation of themselves and their character in the following humorous terms.

1. Remorse is experienced by those who have it. Mine doesn't bite.
2. It makes no sense to panic ahead of time, I’ll figure it out when it “presses.
3. The spirit of competition allows you to be better in everything.
4. Do you want to cheer yourself up? Ask me how.
5. I forgive everyone I owe.
6. An argument is another opportunity to show off your intellect.
7. I'm not obligatory, but immensely charming.
8. I hang noodles on my ears for free and professionally.
9. I know how to become a philosopher in five minutes.
10. Commitment saves more than one life.

Capricorn

For Capricorns, which people may not understand, the site's experts have selected the following funny sayings. We hope that they will help to cheer you up and smile more often.

1. Even one in the field can be a warrior.
2. The laws of meanness work for me.
3. I'm like cognac: I only get better with age.
4. It is good to talk about beautiful places and countries while sitting at home.
5. Financial advisor. Long, expensive, with a guarantee.
6. You can afford to spit down from the top if you climb it all your life.
7. Life is a train that stops at its stations exactly according to the schedule.
8. If necessary, I can become the head of the universe
9. There is no place for sprints in my life. I am a true marathon runner.
10. Stubbornness can "gore" anyone.

Aquarius

The ten sentences that characterize Gemini may seem naive, but for many representatives of this Sign they can be useful.

1. There is no greater boredom than being like others.
2. I create my own ideas.
3. Living with prejudices is the lot of fools.
4. Everything will be great in the future.
5. To be an angel? Why not?
6. Sometimes a good intention is enough. It is not necessary to perform it.
7. Family is great, but friends are more important.
8. There are no lonely thoughts in my head. They are friends and create chaos.
9. I can be in several places at the same time, because there should be many good people.
10. There should be stops in life, not safe harbors.

Fish

Pisces, with their world of illusions and unwillingness to explain their behavior, can use the following succinct phrases.

1. My profession is professional sympathy.
2. There is no point putting off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.
3. I can promise. I love, I know, I practice. But I won't be in a hurry to do it.
4. I understand everyone, but not myself.
5. Don't pressure me or I'll disappear.
6. Yes, I'm busy, only what, few can understand.
7. We need more handkerchiefs and vest people.
8. Food needs to be chewed, work needs to be done.
9. Maintain order in the house - who needs it?
10. The world of illusions and fantasies is beautiful. There is no need to leave him for a long time.

A comic horoscope can reflect your inner state. In any case, even funny statements about your Sign should not be ignored. Be careful in your actions and desires so that there is no place for disappointment in your life. Attract good luck and be happy. We wish you all the best, and don't forget to press the buttons and

Of course, everyone is familiar with horoscopes, at least once in their life they read them. Whether they are true or not, it will not be possible to say for sure. But for those who are interested, this article is written. It will feature a funny characterization of the zodiac signs as well as some funny horoscopes. After reading our article, for example, you can find out how Scorpio drinks and what kind of food Aquarius likes.

Characteristics of Aries and Taurus. Description of these signs

Let's start, perhaps, with the compilation of funny characteristics of the signs of the zodiac. Let's start with Aries. You will not be able to find a more capricious diehard than Aries. At the same time, he hates routine. The representative of the sign does not like to do what he does not like. It is almost impossible to persuade him to do such a thing. Although there is one trick - tell him that someone performed such a task better. Then Aries will do the job by all means, and even better than anyone else.

Compiling a funny horoscope, one cannot fail to say about the fiery nature of Aries. This person can spend a lot of time conquering the object of passion. Aries acts quickly, almost instantly and assertively. Therefore, it is very difficult to get rid of it.

If you are looking for a worthy competitor in terms of the degree of stubbornness of Aries, then this is Taurus. Moreover, this sign has another "bonus" - fierce conservatism. For him, old things are very valuable. Taurus are often boring. In general, representatives of the sign are closed personalities. It's easier to talk to a wall than to them. At least you can knock on it, and in response you will hear a rumble. And from Taurus, you can expect ringing silence and silence. Taurus believe that the more time they spend trying to achieve their beloved, the more valuable she is. The same rule applies to making money.

Characteristics of Gemini and Cancer. Distinctive features of each of the signs

Compiling a cheerful horoscope for Gemini, let's say that the representatives of the sign are always for new adventures. These personalities are eccentric individuals who have a company of winds in their heads. Gemini love and talk a lot, they can tell something for hours. This is the funniest characteristic of the zodiac sign. Also in Gemini, laziness is legendary. They don't like to go into details. They need money, because they spend it quickly and naturally, as they say.

Cancers are rather soft, romantic and intelligent natures. Although outwardly you can not say that from them.

What is the funny characteristic of the zodiac sign? That they, just like their namesakes from the animal kingdom, take neat steps forward and run back. From this we can safely conclude that Cancers are indecisive and cautious. They are afraid to do something, even cheat on a partner.

You should not joke sparklingly with Cancer, as this nature is too sentimental, it can be offended by light humor.

Characteristics of Leo and Virgo. What is remarkable about these zodiac signs? Joking descriptions of each

The lion is the unique king of animals. When compiling a funny horoscope for Leo, one cannot help but recall his greatness. He is an important person and demonstrates this in every possible way. People around should be glad even that Leo is next to them. His aura will paint the muddy swamp with bright colors.

Now let's make a cheerful horoscope of Virgo. It is known that appearances can be deceiving. This phrase is entirely suitable for Dev. After all, when you hear this word, the imagination draws a cute creature. But astrologers do not agree with such a description, which make up the ridiculous characteristics of the signs of the zodiac. In reality, Virgos are completely different. Not so cute. Sometimes they can even be maniacs. According to statistics, many maniacs were born under this sign.

Virgos skillfully adapt to the situation. They are usually polite and correct people. Virgo can use a person for their own purposes in order to achieve what they want. He will not show sympathy for the object of love until he is firmly convinced of reciprocity. And if there is a refusal, then he will wait, and suddenly something will change.

Characteristics of Libra and Scorpio. Comic description of the signs of the zodiac

Libra constantly arrives in search of peace of mind. They don't pay much attention to the material world. They believe that someone else should deal with everyday problems. Libra's affairs are more sublime than laundry and cleaning. Representatives of the sign are always thrown in different directions. Impermanence extends to the love sphere of life. For them, this state of affairs is habitual. After treason, conscience usually does not torment.

Scorpions are still those bastards. They are able to break hearts due to their natural charm. Scorpios are also purposeful. If a goal is chosen, no matter how difficult it is to achieve, they will still achieve it, even if something needs to be destroyed.

Characteristics of Sagittarius and Capricorn. Funny description of signs

Now let's make a comic horoscope for Sagittarius. Note that representatives of the sign always achieve their goals. Sometimes this does not happen immediately, but in any case, everything will be. Note that perseverance and work help other signs to achieve the goal, and Sagittarius - a fair wind.

If you are wondering which is the funniest zodiac sign, then know that, of course, this one. Sagittarians are still those ringleaders. In addition, they are real benefactors. They help everyone in need. This quality is often used by employers. If Sagittarius does not object, then he will be loaded with a bunch of work.

No need to openly offend Sagittarius. It cannot be said that they are vindictive, just a little evil, and their memory is quite good. They don't forget anything, not even what happened in kindergarten. They can easily tell the whole truth in person.

Compiling a cheerful horoscope for Capricorn, let's say that this is a pendulum man. He always balances between extremes. Children of this sign have a characteristic adult seriousness and thoroughness. These qualities do not leave Capricorn even in adulthood and even in old age.

Capricorn always throws himself into work with his head. He will spend all his strength to try to accomplish an impossible task in advance. Although Capricorn also walks well. He goes on a spree with his head, sometimes to the point of complete degradation. To save him, you need to captivate him with something more interesting.

Note that Capricorns are incorrigible pessimists. If they are convinced that everything around them is against them, then it will be extremely difficult, and in most cases impossible, to convince them otherwise.

Characteristics of Aquarius and Pisces. Funny description of zodiac signs

Now let's make a funny horoscope for Aquarius. The representative of the sign loves to talk. Words flow like water from a faucet. Not everyone can withstand such a flow. But who can do it is Pisces or Gemini. Although it is still possible to argue with the latter who will talk to whom in the end.

Aquarians are very well cared for, they can even compose poems and songs. Women of this sign follow the dictates of the heart. If it tells you that it is he who will be her betrothed, then an early meeting cannot be avoided.

Aquarians value personal space very much. They are ready to build high walls so that they are given time to be alone.

What are the characteristics of the Pisces zodiac sign? Representatives can create a fictional reality out of nothing. And not only for yourself, but also for those around you. They will easily convince anyone of anything they want. Ask the Fish to do some task for you, and she will break into a cake, but she will do it. Here is such an altruist, and nothing can be done here. Compiling a description of the zodiac sign Pisces, let's say that in love, representatives are cautious, shy. Never make the first move. They will dream about their beloved, cry, but be silent. Pisces needs to be pushed to some action in relationships, and not only in them.

Drunk horoscope, or How to drink with signs

Now alcoholic drinks are present on the table during many celebrations, and not only during the holidays. But how to drink with different signs? What should be feared? Let's start talking, of course, with Aries. It is advisable not to drink with representatives of this sign. Or plant Aquarius next to them, who, if anything, will take a friend with him. If this does not happen, then you can find yourself in a completely different country or do some strange act. At the same time, Aries himself will look at you accusingly. Aries are not particularly intoxicated by alcohol, so they think that everyone is like that.

Taurus, regardless of the degree of intoxication, consider themselves sober. And even if they crawl on four. Taurus prefer to enjoy life to the fullest, including drinking. But if such a representative drinks too much, then he turns into a not quite adequate person. It will destroy everything that is around.

Gemini is believed to be a dual sign. His duplicity is manifested in the fact that if he drinks, you can’t think of who will appear before you: a cheerful joker or a type that hates everyone. And in the morning he will no longer remember what happened.

Cancer is a rather secretive person. But if you get such a person drunk, you can learn a lot about him and yourself. On the morning after the celebration, Cancer will again be hidden.

If we talk about Leo, then a sober representative of the sign is no different from a drunk one. The only thing is that the decibel increases. A drunk Leo tells a lot more about his person than a sober one.

It is impossible to say exactly why Virgos drink. But they go through three stages of intoxication:

1. "I'm so drunk."
2. "I love everyone".
3. “Need aspirin” (this is already in the morning).

Libras are afraid to drink, but they love it. In a state of intoxication, they rest. In this state, they stop weighing everything.

Sagittarius is both a teetotaler, and an alcoholic, and a lucky man, and a loser. It is not clear how to drink with it. In addition, Sagittarius believes that he has a light hand, but in reality it is still so heavy. At the same time, it is almost impossible to overdrink it.

Scorpio first gets drunk himself to the limit, and then drinks everyone around him.

When Capricorn drinks, he opens up. In the literal sense, it becomes the soul of the company, the ringleader. He enjoys compliments and jokes, but in the morning he remembers everything.

Drunk Aquarius can move mountains. True, no one sees his deeds, just like the drunken Aquarius himself. He tries, after drinking a little, to retire.

When a Pisces gets drunk, she experiences a whole range of emotions, from the fact that no one loves her, ending with the fact that she is the most beautiful.

Favorite food of Aries and Taurus. What will representatives of the signs choose: exotic or familiar dishes?

What is the favorite food of the zodiac signs? Of course, each of the twelve has its own preferences. Some people like sweets, while others like spicy dishes.

Aries are food lovers. They especially like simple dishes. They are also not averse to trying national cuisines. For example, they love Italian dishes such as pasta, lasagna, risotto and others. Such dishes can be supplemented with a glass of red wine. Aries benefit from foods such as lamb, pineapple, mint, cumin, rosemary, watercress, and radish.

Taurus tastes traditional dishes familiar from childhood. Such dishes are held in high esteem: young potatoes with dill, homemade cottage cheese, bread and butter, and so on. Taurus do not like to try something new, they do it only out of curiosity. As a rule, exotic dishes do not remain in the usual diet of representatives of the sign.

Favorite food of Gemini and Cancer. What will they like?

Geminis love seafood and fish dishes. They also like pasta and dumplings. Prone to change in food choices.

Cancers like dishes that are familiar to them from childhood. It can be buns, borscht or stuffed fish (such as my aunt cooked). Cancer is loyal to habits, even in nutrition.

Leo and Virgo. What are their taste preferences? What will they like?

Lions love to eat a lot and tasty. They love meat dishes, such as steaks, chops. From vegetable salads and snacks are not delighted. Fish is also not very respected. Another lion's weakness is sweets.

Virgos choose simple food, familiar for a long time. They like tomato-based dishes. Virgos are indifferent to sweets and sweets.

Favorite food of Libra and Scorpio. Do they like sweets or savory foods?

Scales love confectionery, fresh pastries, ice cream. They love delicious food. They can eat both a delicate salad and a meat dish. Representatives of the sign of food from mushrooms like it.

Scorpios will love seasoned, savory food, as well as traditional dishes such as Olivier salad, borscht and others. High-quality alcohol and expensive chocolate are also held in high esteem by the representatives of the sign.

Sagittarius and Capricorn's Favorite Foods

Capricorns are loyal to the dishes they once loved. Although they are not averse to trying something new.

Sagittarians love ketchup and mustard. They like to try new dishes from different cuisines. Many Sagittarians are indifferent to sweets.

Favorite food of Aquarius and Pisces. What do these signs prefer: delicacies or sweets?

Aquarians are interested in dishes that they have never tried before. The representative of the sign can enjoy rare delicacies for a long time. Aquarians love to sit and chat at a table full of food.

Fish are not particularly picky and picky eaters. They can even eat not very refined dishes. Pisces will never be able to refuse sweets, they like to try new and new desserts. They love ice cream, cake, sweets. And sometimes they consume sweets in unlimited quantities, completely forgetting about common sense.

Predictions for the Year of the Dog. What awaits each sign?

Now we will make a funny horoscope for the year of the Dog for all signs.

A small conclusion

Now you know what they are, zodiac signs. In our article, their comic characteristics and horoscopes are compiled. Here you will find both funny character traits and preferences of representatives of different zodiac signs, knowing which, you can improve your relationship with them. We hope that this information was interesting and useful to you.