Cool horoscope by years. Comic horoscope by zodiac signs

Sometimes you should move away from serious reality and accept all life circumstances with a huge dose of humor. There are categories of people who are not offended. Please, take such frivolous things frivolously. begins his humorous procession.

Astrologer's advice: The different level and quality of a person's education greatly affects the way in which various qualities are manifested. The upbringing of people also makes its mark on the characteristics of various properties of behavior.

Aries. A ram is also a ram in Africa. He is sure that he is right, he always knows how much it costs and arguing with him is at a loss. Sheep (in the sense of Aries) are very honest herd animals. If someone looks bad, he will directly say so. In real life, he is of little use, but he gives advice to everyone. Free, moreover.

Astrologer's advice: It happens that a rare opportunity for a complete correction of personal life in a good way is given only once in a lifetime. Don't miss it - order and find out how soon luck will be in your hands!

Calf. Typical cuckold. The other half of him is trying very hard to keep his mark. He is not stubborn, he is boring and greedy, but serious, because he thinks for a long time. He has bullish health. He does not like new people, and he cannot stand old ones, but he loves his friends, and not only artiodactyls.

Twins. Twin brothers are just different fathers. It's about them. The left hemisphere of the brain in this sign always contradicts the right. Light, ephemeral and airy, they cannot finally decide on the choice of their soulmate: everything is not theirs, and everything is not right. But they are fun and interesting.

Astrologer's advice: Note that for a detailed description, it is necessary to correct the information taking into account the date, time and place of birth. Refined data will help to better understand yourself or understand other people.

Cancer. The second syllable of the word fool. Although, however, this is not about him. Squeamish and cowardly, suspicious and annoying. A drunkard and a philosopher - it's all about him. He makes friends with Taurus and Virgo and talks with them about the end of the world. And they tolerate him, out of pity.

A lion. Maybe kick for this comic horoscope according to the signs of the zodiac. To kill will not kill, but there will be a lot of roar. He is so selfish that he believed in the inviolability of his royal person. The weapon against him is sweet flattery. The atomic bomb is powerless here.

Astrologer's advice: We suggest you look at horoscopes for a month, a year for all signs of the zodiac. The forecast will help you make the right decisions on any issues. Interesting and helpful. Come in.

Virgo. She loves law and order very much and woe to the one who violates them. It hits right away. But in the household, she is good: she will wash and clean. So that you can live with it, but not for long - it will plague you with its pedantry and accuracy.

Scales. These are great aesthetes who, putting clean socks and freshly brewed coffee on one bowl, will choose the second option. They often get sick and if anyone wants to work as a vest or a nurse, then you are welcome!

Astrologer's advice: In order to comprehend and better understand the nature and qualities of the zodiac sign, you need to know it from many sides, and the category will help you with this.

Scorpion. Sexually preoccupied, hysterical egoist. He loves money even more than himself, but does not steal it, but earns it. He loves to do small dirty tricks and arrange serious problems. Looks like a ram, only waterfowl.

Sagittarius. He is always right, it is an axiom. And if it's wrong, then it's a theorem. Sociable and cheerful centaur, shooting at the hearts to the right and left. Whoever is not his friend, let him get in line.

Astrologer's advice: The eastern horoscope, the same strongly affects the resource inherent in people when they are born. You can read more on our resource in the category.

Capricorn. He works a lot, and not with horns and hooves, but with his head and hands. Woe to the one who perceives Capricorn as the soul and soul of the company. He loves to butt heads, do not ask for trouble.
Aquarius. Himself can not advise anything good, but others, please! Prison is his second home, because relations with the law do not add up. She is afraid of only one thing - old age.

Astrologer's advice: Relationships between loved ones often depend on the constellation of birth. Compatibility of signs is a cognitive section in astrology. You can find out about the relationship in the heading -.

Fish. are completing comic horoscope according to the signs of the zodiac. What can you do, their fate is this - to drag behind everyone all their lives. And where should they go? They are not interested in money, but in the aquarium they will feed them anyway. For free.

Each holiday is good and interesting in its own way. But usually at any holiday it all comes down to the fact that almost 99% of the attention is paid to the hero of the occasion: the hero of the day or the newlyweds or the birthday man. But what about the guests? They came to have fun and have fun! We have not forgotten about them, and have prepared an interesting game block: a comic astrological forecast for guests on the anniversary. This forecast can be presented in different ways. The most obvious option is the exit of an astrologer who reads out his forecast for each guest or zodiac sign. A gypsy can also come out, but then questions arise - why is a gypsy so smart that she understands astrology? Therefore, a gypsy in such a block would not be very appropriate. The third option is to read the astrological forecast by the presenter himself. This is in case there is no way to make a scene with dressing up. There may be other options, but they are not so obvious. How to show this number is up to you. Below we will provide you with some joke predictions that you can use on anniversaries.

Comic horoscope 1.
The first version of the comic horoscope is written by the guests themselves. Everything is quite simple, but interesting. Everyone knows the game called - missed adjectives. And in this game, we will skip the names of the guests. You need to come up with a prediction that doesn't have names. Then, at the celebration, you ask the hero of the day to name in turn the names of all the guests who are present at the celebration. And enter the names in the forecast in turn. Next, read what happened.
An example of an email with omitted guest names:

“Today (the date of the anniversary, the stars predict us a great festive evening! It will end differently for everyone, but everyone will be happy. At 19 o’clock, Jupiter will eclipse the sun and at this time (guest’s name) will go to rest under the table. Two minutes later, when the sun will come out from under the shadow of Jupiter (guest's name) will join the rest under the table.
At 19.25 the moon will appear in the sky. At the same minute (guest's name) with the words - I'm going to sleep! - falls face down in a plate of salad. When the Ursa Minor appears in the sky, then (guest's name) will start looking for a warm place to rest and will find it on a large and cozy chest (guest's name).
As soon as the clock strikes 20 o'clock, a musical pause will begin. And (guest name) will be the first to enter the dance floor and show a master class. After his dance (guest name) shouting - Bravo! - will run out onto the stage and arrange a wild dance with striptease elements. When (guest's name) sees this, he will scream - my God! This is the best thing I have ever seen in my life!
In twenty minutes. When the big bear appears in the sky, the dancing guests will calm down and sit down in their seats. At the same time, (guest's name) will shout loudly - I demand the continuation of the banquet! - he will drink a glass of vodka and gently lay his head on the table, as if on a pillow.
The evening will end with the fact that all the stars will appear in the sky, and under their influence (guest's name), together with (guest's name), they will sing a duet song - Mom Lyuda, come on, come on, come on! And the rest of the guests will shoot them on their phones to show the clip tomorrow morning and mock them!”

Here's an option you can try. You can change the text or create your own. It is important to remember here that all people are different, and if you know that someone may be offended, then it is better not to enter his name in the forecast.

Comic forecast 2.
The next forecast for guests is the morning after the holiday. This forecast is called - a hangover forecast!

And so, dear guests! A moment of attention. Today we all walk and have fun. But none of you thinks about the consequences, does not think about what will happen tomorrow morning with each of you. But our astrologer already knows everything, and will tell you about what will happen to each of you tomorrow morning.
Aries - the morning will start very badly for you. Approaching the mirror, you will see that your rounded horns have straightened out and prevent you from passing through the doors.
Taurus - do not think that if you drank activated charcoal before the holiday, then everything will be fine with you. You will still see this coal, and you will understand that everything is very bad.
Gemini - don't be surprised, but in the morning you will wake up with a person who looks exactly like you!
Crayfish - and you will learn to quickly crawl backwards from each glass, remembering tonight and your cries - pour, drink!
Lions - in the morning you will let out such a roar that the neighbors each neighbor will bring you bottles of cold mineral water.
Virgo - do not go to the mirror in the morning. Otherwise, you risk not recognizing yourself and fainting out of fear.
Libra - tomorrow morning will begin with the fact that you will weigh and figure out how much a normal person can drink, and how much you drank.
Scorpio - as soon as you wake up, immediately hangover. Otherwise, you will sting everyone all day with your sting.
Sagittarius - it is better to leave money in advance for tomorrow. Otherwise, you will shoot them at passers-by on a hangover.
Capricorns - in the morning a surprise awaits you - you will have new horns.
Aquarius - in the morning you will have guests who want to continue the banquet with you.
Pisces - and you will be ashamed of tonight and your behavior. All tomorrow you will be silent like a fish.

Horoscope 3.
And this horoscope is the shortest in the world! But this makes it even funnier and the guests will definitely like it. And so, let's look:

Horoscope 4.
And this is a rather bold horoscope, it is erotic! But nevertheless funny and the guests will like it. To make this horoscope go with a bang. Do this:
- name the sign of the zodiac and guests under this sign come to you. Romantic music turns on, they dance, and then you read out the horoscope:

Horoscope 5.
And another horoscope - alcohol!
The same can be done in a special way. You name the sign of the zodiac and the guests under this sign get up. They pour glasses and you read their horoscope, after which these guests drink. It turns out interesting and funny:
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Of course, a comic horoscope according to the signs of the zodiac has the right to life. Some people believe that such horoscopes are unreliable, however, by reading short sparkling characteristics, they recognize themselves and their friends.

It is a cool horoscope according to the signs of the zodiac that calls a spade a spade. Who has a sense of humor, read!

Cool horoscope according to the signs of the zodiac of the element of Fire

The ram is always right, he knows the price of everything, it is easier to shoot him than to argue. Flawlessly honest. If a suit does not suit you or you are overweight, he will honestly tell you about it. In everyday life, it is usually useless, but it generates brilliant ideas to match Sagittarius.

Leo - a cool horoscope for the signs of the zodiac

He divides people into two classes - those close to him and everyone else. An egoist, but he is forgiven for his holy faith in his own impeccability. The best in everything! The marriage partner makes it clear that it came to him along with the status of the lion's chosen one. Unarmed before flattery, with the help of which ropes can be twisted from the Leo zodiac sign.

Sagittarius - a comic horoscope for the zodiac sign

Sagittarius expresses his judgments willingly even when he is advised to hold his tongue. But the mouth of the Sagittarius zodiac sign does not close, because his personal opinion should become the truth for everyone. A lucky sign in life! Sagittarius has a lot of friends who, in which case, will not let him disappear.

Comic horoscope according to the signs of the zodiac of the elements of the Earth

More stubborn than Aries, just stubborn, while not an innovator, boring and greedy. It does not have this charming mutton indifference and. Zodiac sign Taurus is an unsurpassed slow-witted. Lustful. In affections is constant. Distrustful, wary of new people, but will stand up for old friends with his chest.

Virgo - a comic horoscope by zodiac sign

According to statistics, most psychopathic maniacs are born under the zodiac sign of Virgo. These heartless monsters poison with their pedantry, love of law and order the life of everyone who finds themselves on the same territory with them. But in everyday life Virgo is useful like no other.

Capricorn - a cool horoscope about the signs of the zodiac

Happiness comprehends only one way - breaks in like a damned one. The meaning of his life is in his work. At first it seems meek, but at the first opportunity it will give you a tangible poke. He gets the highest pleasure if he manages to do this with Leo, whom he cannot stand for his arrogance. Leo answers him in the same way, not enduring this dirty trick, and if at the moment of poking Leo is not in the mood, the zodiac sign Capricorn must immediately run away, otherwise things will end badly.

Comic horoscope according to the signs of the zodiac of the air element

Twins

No one realizes how difficult it is for the Gemini zodiac sign to survive in this vast world of possibilities! Choice is a Gemini's haunting nightmare. It always seems to them that life is passing by, even if they get bogged down in events.

Libra - a cool horoscope for the signs of the zodiac

Libra imagines themselves to be aesthetes, unreliable, seven Fridays a week, yearning, which is unattainable in principle for the zodiac sign of Libra, because they are in constant dissonance between reality and the desired. Indecisive, and therefore suffer from nervous ailments.

Aquarius - a comic horoscope for the zodiac sign

Looks like it fell from an oak tree. This, oddly enough, many people like it. Even if everything goes wrong in the life of the Aquarius zodiac sign itself, he manages to give out advice that works! Potential criminal. There is no Aquarius without a criminal past, he breaks the law with pleasure and, unlike Gemini, he perfectly understands what he is doing.

Cool horoscope for the signs of the zodiac Water

There is no sign more suspicious than Cancer! He constantly imagines the end of the world, is afraid of his own shadow, falls into hysterics and seeks consolation from the Virgin. Disdain. He annoys others with conversations about his sores, which is why everyone, except for Taurus, scatter in horror. Has a penchant for philosophy and alcoholism. The first, as well as the second, is contraindicated for the zodiac sign Cancer.

Humor and positive. Three themes in one:

1. Evaluation of the signs of the zodiac from the position of Thinks-Speaks-Does.

2. Behavior of signs after sex.

3. Life principles of the signs of the zodiac.

Jokes about zodiac signs

Characteristics of signs in terms of think-say-do

Aries: Thinks a lot. He says little. Does it right.
Calf: Thinks about many things. He speaks persuasively. He does what he does.
Twins: Thinks about himself. He says what he thinks. Does - thinks very well.
Cancer: Thinks all the time. He says it's tempting. Does what they say.
A lion: Thinks exactly. He says it's redundant. He does what he can't get out of.
Virgo: Thinks one. Says something else. Does - the third, but well.
Scales: Thinks it's redundant. He says honestly. Does it responsibly.
Scorpion: Thinks in concentration. He says exactly. Does what you like.
Sagittarius: He thinks - that only he ... He says - that everything except him .. He does it - by proxy.
Capricorn: He thinks what comes to mind. He says what he thinks. Does what he can.
Aquarius: He thinks - “what do you need?” Says - "well, if necessary" Does - the best.
Fish: Thinks no one knows. Says he's smart. Does - depending on whether the work will be checked.

After sex. Jokes about zodiac signs

Aries: Okay, here we go again!
Calf: I am hungry! Pass me the pizza!
Twins: Where's the TV remote?
Cancer: When we get married?
A lion: Wasn't I (a) great (great)?
Virgo: Let me see the sheets
Scales: If you liked it, I liked it too
Scorpion: Perhaps now you can untie
Sagittarius: Don't call me, I'll call myself
Capricorn: Do you have a business card?
Aquarius: Now let's try WITHOUT clothes!
Fish: So what do you say your name is?

Life principles of the signs of the zodiac.

In every joke, they say, there is a share of humor)))

Aries:
1. It's better not to argue with me.
2. First I will do it, then I will think.
3. Where the rest slow down, I step on the gas.
4. I will be forever young.
5. Do as I do, because you can’t do better anyway.
6. The most difficult thing is to listen to the interlocutor to the end.
7. Stubbornness is not a vice.
8. It is easy to control the situation, it is more difficult to control your emotions.
9. One Aries is good, two Aries is a lot.
10. I don't attack first. But God forbid you hurt me.

Calf:
1. Do not feel sorry for the money to buy, sorry for the party.
2. I don't need someone else's, don't touch mine.
3. A bad peace is better than a good quarrel.
4. Do not disturb the one who is well seated.
5. Better a beautiful sofa than a beautiful sunset.
6. Food is a serious thing.
7. An affectionate calf sucks two queens.
8. When you ride second, you save energy.
9. I hate disposable lighters!
10. The taster is my true calling.

Twins:
1. Today I am not the same as yesterday.
2. Who owns the situation, he owns the information.
3. One mind is good, but two is better, especially if both belong to the same person.
4. Figaro here, Figaro there.
5. The idea, like other products, should not be stale.
6. One TV, telephone in the house is good, but three is better.
7. Who did not have time, he was late.
8. I move through life like a scooter on water - I don’t go deep, but quickly.
9. I don’t answer “for the market” at the market.
10. I love quantity because there is not enough time for quality.

Cancer:
1. My home is my castle.
2. Babysitting others is my true calling.
3. It would be nice to stock up on everything in the world, and patience and jam.
4. Everything comes to the one who knows how to wait.
5. Meet your friends at home, not in a cafe.
6. Nothing warms the soul like the sight of a stocked refrigerator.
7. It is better to save up, but buy a worthy thing.
8. It's hard to live where there is nowhere to hide.
9. I carry my past with me like a backpack.
10. Is it really possible to wear out a coat in twenty years?

A lion:
1. I will lead you into the distance of light.
2. It is better to give support than to receive it.
3. Nice manners are half the battle.
4. The sun shines on Leo.
5. A beautiful sign on the office door is more important than a high salary.
6. I like to earn well, and even more - to spend.
7. A grand piano in the house is better than a piano, even if there is no one to play it.
8. Despite my friendly appearance, I am a dictator at heart.
9. If you do - so in a big way.
10. Why do you need the sun if I'm with you????

Virgo:
1. Patience and work will grind everything.
2. Modesty adorns not only a girl, but also a maiden.
3. Everyone lives for himself, but serves others.
4. Order is needed everywhere: both in thoughts and in the kitchen.
5. Prove to me strictly logically that we are made for each other.
6. Crooked hanging shelf drives me crazy.
7. On a large scale, I get lost.
8. I have a hard time getting the pits out of a whole bucket of cherries.
9. In every Virgo lives a cool lady.
10. Fly agaric certainly needs to catch the eye, and white mushroom - and so good.

Scales:
1. Without a partner - like without hands.
2. The most disgusting thing is to argue.
3. Win by agreeing.
4. Only fools are principled.
5. Involve anyone in anything.
6. Beauty will save the world.
7. Everything must be done according to the mood.
8. The most difficult thing is to make a choice.
9. Not all "and" should be dotted.
10. I myself don’t know if I’m for the Whites or the Reds.

Scorpion:
1. Sorry, no one to sting.
2. Every event is like a sofa: it must have hidden springs.
3. There must be a good reason to smile.
4. You can get rid of everything, but not from your own passions.
5. I sing a song of love on the battlefield. 6. Not everyone can stand my gaze.
7. My passions rarely come out, like a shark that rarely comes to the surface.
8. The world is lost without knights.
9. Otella has not yet died out in the land!
10. I look like a cactus - my fabulous flower is revealed for the elite.

Sagittarius
1. There should be many good people.
2. To whom I owe, I forgive everyone.
3. The best vacation is a trip around the world.
4. The main thing in the problem is its scale.
5. My ideal is Ivan Tsareevich.
6. It is impossible to be angry with me.
7. Remorse - what is it?
8. Obligation adorns only mediocre people.
9. Worrying in advance is stupid, let's look at the situation.
10. Not an obligatory person, it is simply obliged to be obligatory.

Capricorn:
1. I'm not a springer or even a stayer. I am a marathon runner.
2. And one warrior in the field.
3. Do not break the laws - another will do, but you will be caught.
4. For myself, I need very little. My property is just a mirror of my successes.
5. Life is like a train that arrives at every station exactly on schedule.
6. It's nice to talk about distant countries while sitting at home.
7. Real Capricorn, like cognac, is distinguished by aging.
8. It is worth climbing to the top all your life in order to spit down from there once.
9. Only I get younger with age.
10. I’m going - I’m going, I don’t whistle, but when I hit it, I won’t let it go.

Aquarius:
1. How boring it is to be like others!
2. If I came up with you, become what I want.
3. Prejudices are for fools.
4. The future just has to be great.
5. It's hard to be an angel, but it's necessary.
6. Good intention is more important than good deeds.
7. To become an innovator, you must first forget about tradition.
8. Sex? There are more important things in life.
9. First friends, and then family ... if, of course, there is time left.
10. I am not kinder, I am not more cheerful.

Fish:
1. Sympathy is more important than helping.
2. I can not refuse alcohol, like a fish from water.
3. Order was invented by boring people.
4. Don't put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.
5. You never know what I can promise...
6. Working in a hurry is the same as swallowing without chewing.
7. Ready to understand everyone, but not yourself.
8. Willow bends in a storm, and oak falls.
9. Everyone knows that I am always busy, but few people know what exactly.
10. Do not put pressure on me, otherwise I will slip away like a fish out of my hands!

Spring positive mood!

1. Aries (March 21 - April 20): Crazy Level - 30%!
   If you go to the mountains with someone, then only with Aries. They are avid extreme sportsmen, besides, they will always give a helping hand to their friend. Aries clearly follow their path and achieve the intended. A lot of plans ripen in their head, which sometimes seem absolutely insane. Their courage and perseverance can only be envied!
2. Taurus (April 21 - May 21): 40% craziness rate!
   Stubbornness is the main feature of this sign. Taurus will bring anyone to white heat: it is so important for them to prove their case. This makes them look slightly strange in the eyes of other people. Taurus is comprehensively developed, they have a good heart and iron willpower.

   

3. Gemini (May 22 - June 21): Madness Level - 100%!
   The craziest sign of the zodiac. Geminis are fickle and frivolous, you never know what they have in store for you today. But you will never get bored with them! They have in store a bunch of incredible stories and tales from life. Only the Twins are capable of reaching a completely reckless denouement in their adventures.

   

4. Cancer (June 22 - July 22): 90% crazy rate!
   Cancers are notorious for their extreme mood swings. They prefer not to get out of the house, but if they break into a nightclub, beware. It is they who, in a state of intoxication, scribble insane messages to the former. You never know what's on Cancer's mind and it drives you crazy!

   

5. Leo (July 23 - August 21): 80% crazy rate!
   Representatives of this sign are used to being the center of attention, they love noisy parties and big companies. Lions get drunk quickly, and this loosens their tongue so much that others in their company often have to blush. These people have no brakes, they do not know how to stop in time.

   

6. Virgo (August 22 - September 23): 70% craziness!
   Virgo tirelessly works on herself, striving for perfection in everything. Control and power are her main passions. These people are capable of doing noble deeds, but they expect recognition for it. Their desire to appear ideal in the eyes of people completely takes possession of them.

   

7. Libra (September 24 - October 23): 30% craziness rate!
   Libras are obsessed with finding balance in everything. Sometimes they are ready to go to extremes, especially when it comes to members of the opposite sex. Libra will go to any lengths to get the object of his sigh, even gossip.

   

8. Scorpio (October 24 - November 22): 40% craziness rate!
   The statement that Scorpios sting unbearably painfully is true. Of course, they have no equal in resourcefulness and insight, but this still does not brighten up their shortcomings. Scorpio is the most sensual sign of the zodiac, he is a master of beautiful courtship and romantic gestures. His sexual energy is overflowing, so few people manage to cope with this raging stream of passion.

   

9. Sagittarius (November 23 - December 22): 50% craziness level!
   Sagittarians proudly carry the banner of justice and truth all their lives. And it is better not to interfere with them! Nothing can anger them so much as the restriction of personal freedom. In addition, Sagittarians easily light up with ideas that sometimes blind their minds.

   

10. Capricorn (December 23 - January 20): 60% crazy rate!
    Capricorns are still workaholics! They take on the most difficult tasks on their shoulders and take on their solution with passion. Capricorns are not averse to showing off their intelligence and professionalism. If they are at the head of any business, you should not expect concessions.

    Capricorns stick to their line, even if they're wrong. This feature extends to personal life: the partner will always be in tight rein. Their madness is to want everything under control.

    

11. Aquarius (January 21 - February 19): 20% craziness rate!
    Aquarius is like a crazy professor who is used to living in his illusions. It is very easy to wrap around your finger, and people are used to using it. That is why this zodiac sign often becomes a victim of scammers, and simply those who are looking for easy prey.

    

12. Pisces (February 20 - March 20): Insanity Level - 10%!
    Pisces are the least crazy of the other zodiac signs. They are calm and peaceful, you can always rely on them. Pisces are ready to sacrifice their interests just to brighten up someone's loneliness. These character traits make them the most reasonable, wise and empathetic.