Good deeds lead the way to hell. Codependency: When the road to hell is paved with good intentions

- Please explain why good intentions Is the road to hell paved?

Very good and important question. It immediately attracts attention that the road to hell is not paved with sins, not evil deeds, A good intentions. Let us remember the Jews who repeatedly tempted Jesus Christ during His earthly life: after all, they always approached Him with a pious purpose. One day they came up and said: “Tell me, with what power do You work miracles?” If Christ had said that He is Lord and creates them by the power of God, He could have been stoned. And if he said - by human power, then He could be accused that, being a man, He arrogates to himself the prerogative of the Lord God. That is, the Jews asked a crafty question in such a way that no matter how you answer it, you will still find yourself in an awkward position. And what does the Lord answer them? Seeing their wickedness, He says: “And from whom was the baptism of John? From God or people? Here the Jews found themselves in the same situation and said to themselves: “If we say that it was from people, then the people will stone us, because everyone reveres John as a prophet, and if we say that it is from God, then Christ will say to us: “Why didn’t you believe him?” And they answered: “We don’t know.” The Lord then answered them: “And I will not tell you by what power I create.” Because the Jews already understood perfectly well that our Lord Jesus Christ works all His miracles by the power of God.

Or another gospel example, when the Jews, wanting to tempt Christ, give Him a denarius and say: “Is it permissible to give tribute to Caesar?” If the Lord had answered “permissible,” it would have been an insult and the greatest humiliation for the entire Jewish people, and if He had said “impermissible,” then it would have been possible to take Him into custody. And again, seeing their wickedness, the Lord says: “Show me the denarius. Whose image is on it? They answered: “Caesarean.” Then Jesus said, “Render unto Caesar what is Caesar’s, and God's God" That is, this can be called the temptation of piety: the “pious” Jews tempted our Lord Jesus Christ.

The main goal of an Orthodox person is to acquire the grace of the Holy Spirit, to meet God, to seek the Kingdom of Heaven, but the evil one loves to manipulate this piety and, instead of searching for the path of grace, plunges a person into the world of sin. A person begins to study his sins and weaknesses, draw parallels and connections: they say, according to my sins and illnesses, and all sorts of different circumstances. Ultimately, he does not notice that he turns God into Someone who punishes actions. But God is loving Father, He doesn't punish anyone! In the parable of prodigal son The father does not punish his son - He waits for the son to come to Him. So a person begins to commit a sin, which is called graceless asceticism. He truly becomes an ascetic, but one without grace!

A person begins to study his sins and enters a state of despondency, a state of depression. Because a person cannot study sins by his own will. The human will is extremely important in the visible, earthly world, but in invisible world, in the spiritual world, the will of man is zero without a stick! Venerable Seraphim Sarovsky said: “The smallest demon can pierce the ground with one claw.” The invisible evil world constantly strives to push a person with his will into the spiritual world, and demons come in the guise of angels and begin to lead a person away from God.

The vision of sins is a grace-filled gift of God. The Lord, as a loving Father, hid our sins from us for the time being, and in order to see them, we must receive a special God's grace. The same thing must happen to a person as to a robber. Remember the song: “Suddenly the Lord awakened the conscience of the fierce robber”? The Lord awakened the conscience! Or let us remember the thief crucified on the cross, who, turning to the Savior, said: “Remember me, Lord, in Your Kingdom.” And Jesus answered: “Today you will be with Me in Paradise.” The thief was the first to enter the Kingdom of Heaven, before all the righteous!

Sin is a huge octopus that is located under the ocean surface, and on the surface there are ripples from its tentacles. Seeing only these ripples, people try to overcome their sins, but they do not see the main, root cause. This condition can be compared to what a person experiences when he has pain in the abdominal cavity. To relieve pain, a person takes a painkiller, and the pain goes away for a while. But in order for the pain to go away completely, you need to establish a diagnosis. After all, these can be a variety of diseases: gastritis, ulcers, functional disorders or even oncology. Depending on the established diagnosis, appropriate treatment will be prescribed. If you immediately begin to treat the pathogenetic (main, root) cause of the disease, then the symptoms will go away. It's the same with sin.

We come to repentance with symptoms of many sins, but we do not see the root sins. And you can only see them from God's help. Only when we frequently receive communion, when the grace of the Holy Spirit comes into our soul, when the Lord Himself illuminates all the dark sides of our nature. According to your spiritual development, we will be able to see many of our sins (of course, if God pleases it).

But there may be another option: when we forgive those people who undeservedly offended us, following the example of our Lord Jesus Christ, remembering His words: “And forgive us our debts, as we forgive our debtors.” That is, when we die and stand before Christ, He will tell us: “All your sins are forgiven. Following My example, you have forgiven those who offended you.” If we met people who offended us, it means we had sins that needed such forgiveness. And sins can go away by the grace of God, without us even realizing them.

When a person tries to understand his sins himself, he often displays zeal beyond reason and engages in graceless asceticism. Judge for yourself. If a man will see sin and repents, he will meet God and receive the grace of the Holy Spirit, and if he will study many of his sins, he will fall into despondency, depression and move away from God. Remember, the main criterion for approaching God is a state of joy: “As soon as the burden is lifted from the soul, doubt is far away, and one believes and cries, and so easily, easily,” as Mikhail Yuryevich Lermontov wrote.

That is why our sins are repeated because we do not reveal their root cause. And the root cause is the impoverishment of love in our souls. The impoverishment of love occurs because we do not live according to the commandments of God. After all, when the Jews stopped living according to the commandments, they acquired more than six hundred Talmudic rules, that is, sixty for each commandment! And the spirit of love was replaced by the spirit of ritual. And the Lord said: “I want mercy, not sacrifice.” And he also said: “By this everyone will know that you are My disciples, if you have love for one another.” It is very important for you and me not to turn into Jews; we, of course, cannot completely turn into them, because they were very good lawyers, no match for us. They truly were great spiritual ascetics in fulfilling many rules, but only formally and externally. They did not have the main thing - the spirit of love. They began with the temptation of our Lord Jesus Christ, trying to embarrass Him, and ended with His crucifixion.

Trying to figure out your spiritual state with your mind, with the help of logic and life experience, is a graceless asceticism or, in other words, the road to hell is paved with good intentions. Because only through the sacraments of holy Confession and Communion, through acquiring the grace of the Holy Spirit, can you change your spiritual nature. Therefore everyone Orthodox man must be the most beautiful, the happiest, the most joyful! Then it will be possible to say about him: “Yes, this is truly a disciple of Christ! We wish we could live like him.” And then the words of the Savior will come true: “By this everyone will know that you are My disciples, if you have love for one another”!

Transcript: Natalya Koval

Among the mass of popular phraseological combinations, there are those in which deep folk or philosophical wisdom is hidden. Their use in speech often seems ambiguous and can cause intellectual debate. Some catchphrases and expressions of this type may even have several sound variations, but at the same time retain the same meaning. We will consider one of these phraseological units in this article. Let's find out its meaning and origin. We’ll also look at how this phrase is used.

Expression value

I have heard the most unexpected interpretations of the phrase about good intentions paving the road to hell. The closest to the true meaning is a point of view of this kind: some person is constantly going to do something useful, kind, but things don’t go beyond these intentions - either there is no time, then there is no opportunity, then the turnover becomes boring. So these plans remain plans, that is, they turn into undone good deeds. Each of them is a cobblestone in the said pavement leading to hell. Because if the intended good deeds are not done, space appears for evil deeds, that is, for sin.

Often, good-natured plans may not at all relate to any specific matter in relation to another person - to help, look after, protect, but simply to become better yourself. These intentions are usually the most difficult to achieve. That is, you need to not intend to do it, but do it.

The phrase “the road to hell is paved with good intentions” is used in the case when, trying to carry out some completely humane thing, a person achieves the completely opposite result, often with negative consequences.

Expression Variations

The Russian language, like a living being, reacts sensitively to all sorts of changes and additions: words and their meanings change, familiar phraseological units begin to sound differently, then acquiring new meaning, then preserving the content, but “dressing” in a new verbal form.

Authors catchphrases, perhaps, do not claim such a title, having once uttered a phrase that will be famous in the future. Thus, a phrase about good intentions, leaving them and their “ultimate goal” in its composition, sometimes changes its verb form. Then the expression might sound like this: the road to hell is paved, paved, paved. This does not change the meaning.

The road to hell and the path to it can be paved or paved with these intentions, or hell is already paved with them.

There are also interesting variations. One of them sounds something like this: “From good intentions (good intentions) the path straight to hell.”

Origin of the phrase and its variants

The history of catchphrases quite often refers us to different sources. So, according to one version, the phrase about good intentions goes back to the saying English writer Samuel Johnson, who once said, “Hell is paved with good intentions.” This is mentioned by his biographer, author of two-volume memoirs about the writer James Boswell.

However, there is another point of view, which attributes the origin of this expression to the 17th century Anglican priest and metaphysical poet George Herbert, for whom it sounds like this: “Hell is full of good intentions and desires.” This quote seems to emphasize the meaning of the Bible saying contained in the Book of Jesus. It says: “The path of sinners is paved with stones, but at the end of it is the pit of hell.”

The second assumption is considered the most likely, since the author seems to illustrate with this phrase one of the main points of Protestant ethics. Its essence is that true faith certainly leads to the creation of good deeds, and not dreams of them.

Use of expression

The phraseology “the road to hell is paved with good intentions” is quite often used not only in literature and journalism, but also in colloquial speech. You can also hear an abbreviated, “proverbial” version of it: “with good intentions,” which implies the same ending with the same meaning.

As observations have shown, in the first, biblical sense, the expression is used no less often than in the “everyday” sense. In the first case, the emphasis is on the fact that, according to the Apostle James, faith without works is dead, that is, unfulfilled intentions, no matter how good they may be, are the result of weak faith and block the road to salvation.

This point of view seems very attractive and quite justified. This phrase is missing the word “unfulfilled,” which should come before the word “intentions.”

And in everyday life The opinion that when you raise a child, you try to do everything possible and impossible for him is eloquent. With the best intentions. And it can grow completely unworthy person. Therefore, before trying to do something “good”, it would not be a bad idea to figure out what is truly good for this or that person.

Synonyms

There is an interesting phenomenon regarding the phrase “the road to hell is paved with good intentions.” A fairly ancient saying, and even having a religious connotation, unexpectedly acquired a synonym in the 20th century in connection with economic problems in Russia.

“We wanted the best, but it turned out as always” - this expression of V. S. Chernomyrdin, Chairman of the Council of Ministers of the Russian Federation, has acquired a synonymous meaning of the phrase about good intentions in the sense that implies a desire to do a good deed, but its result turns out to be completely opposite to what was expected . IN in this context the talk was about characterizing the progress of monetary reform in the country in 1993. The phrase soon became truly popular and is often used instead of “good intentions.”

Conclusion

Catchphrases and expressions are born in the depths of life. The history of mankind is rich in many examples when seemingly good intentions led not only to opposite results, but also to tragedies. How many utopian ideas were invented, revolutionary programs were developed, parties were organized, some radical movements were carried out supposedly to improve everyone’s life. And in the end there were Crusades, and Bolshevism, and fascism, designed to bring “happiness”, if not to all of humanity, then to the peoples or races “programmed” for it.

And from a theological point of view, the meaning of the saying “the road to hell is paved with good intentions” is that there are much more good intentions in life than the same deeds.

There is a certain gap between intention alone and direct execution, and even more so when it comes to the correct approach to performing a particular task. People sometimes seem to have good intentions, but they often lack either the strength or knowledge to behave correctly, with the result that their good intentions are on the road to hell.

People often advise their family, friends, and acquaintances on what to do in a given situation, often condemning their behavior, repeating over and over again how they should have behaved. But finding themselves in a similar situation, these same people who have repeatedly given advice on what to do, unfortunately, are often themselves unable to follow the existing knowledge, since they lack internal strength.

One of the manifestations of a lack of strength is weakness of character, as a result of which a person is unable to behave correctly towards himself and the people around him. It is difficult for such people to say the word “No”; they can be very pliable, not showing due rigor when a difficult situation requires it.

A striking example of weak character is the pliability of parents who are incapable and follow their lead. Let's say that a child did something wrong, for which he was punished by his mother, for example, he was excommunicated from the computer for a couple of days. But on the same day, after some time, he began to beg his father to cancel this punishment, and, after briefly resisting persuasion, the father gives his consent. As a result of this behavior of the father, the child may not realize his guilt, and next time he will act in the same way, and the mother may not become an authority for him, whose word the father can easily cross out.

Or when a person tries to change the character of the people around him, especially close people, reminding him over and over again who is behaving incorrectly. It seems that the intentions of such a person are pure - the person’s behavior and character changes, and everyone gets better from it. When, in fact, the deep, one can say the true intentions of such people - if they make anyone’s life happy, it’s their own, such good intentions are the road to hell. Yes, people often hide behind good intentions, that actions are aimed at the benefit of other people, although often behind this lies only a selfish desire for improvement own life. It is the people closest to us who want to make the most comments, and the desire especially arises to begin a cycle of moralizing when this or that person behaves incorrectly, when he begins to piss us off. Continuing to point out wrong behavior to others over and over again, most often without noticing that the people around are only increasingly deteriorating in their character - this is a direct road to hell.

The lack of correct knowledge is also big, there are many sources, a lot of advisers, where is the truth. Sometimes we have the strength to act in accordance with knowledge, but another question arises: do we follow that knowledge, do we act correctly in a given situation.

Let's look at an example with a donation. We are walking down the street and notice a beggar man, appearance most likely a homeless person begging for alms, without thinking twice we take out a couple of coins and give them to him. Few people would doubt the correctness of this action, but this homeless person, like many others, may be an alcoholic, and therefore most likely your money will go towards alcohol, which will be harmful to him. They seemed to have good intentions - they wanted to help a homeless person, but due to lack of knowledge this ultimately turned into evil. But ignorance is no excuse.

With this example, I wanted to show what ignorance can lead to, and not that there is no need to make donations in money or in any other form. You just need to know how to do it correctly - in in this case, for example, you could donate food. You have a desire to help a person, then do everything wisely, waste your time, go to the store and buy something to eat if you don’t have anything with you.

Good intentions are the road to hell when we lack true knowledge and internal forces follow this knowledge, in this case you can really cause a lot of trouble to yourself and the people around you. But you shouldn’t blame others after your own wrong actions, and even more so, equate good intentions with good deeds, which, ultimately, I hope, will lead us not to hell, but to heaven.

P.S. This was my very first article on psychology, which was written on August 11, 2012.

IN modern world people have more and more ways to turn away from real life, bury all their talents and come into contact with the true needs of themselves, their body and their soul as little as possible.

Doctor of Medical Sciences Valentina Dmitrievna Moskalenko talks about the reasons for dependence on people, the psychology of the victim and the peculiarities of the development of this disease.

Our interlocutor today is a professor, psychiatrist-narcologist, clinical geneticist, systemic family psychotherapist. Leading researcher at the National Scientific Center for Narcology, family consultant at Narcological Dispensary No. 9 in Moscow. Author of over 150 scientific and popular publications.

Dependence on people

There are very, very many addictions in the world. Among them may be chemical addictions (that is, addictions to chemical substances - alcohol, drugs, medications, even coffee). There is a class of non-chemical addictions. There is a dependence on work, then they talk about workaholics or workaholics. There is dependence on religion - this is such a fanatical, crazy faith. Further, addiction to sex is sexaholism. Food addiction - overeating - or the opposite, refusal to eat - anorexia. Addiction can arise from almost anything.

And now attention - COdependency! What it is? Codependency occurs in people who are in close relationships with addicts. What is a “close relationship”? This is the patient’s mother, the patient’s wife, the patient’s sister or brother, his adult children, as well as close friends - all of them are necessarily (that is, completely) codependent, unfortunately. In this case, what causes the dependence itself? From people!

Codependency in the everyday understanding is a denial of oneself when a person is not in the focus of consciousness. Such people say: “In our family, each person lives the life of another. I can't think about myself. I worry about the situation of my sister, mother, husband, son, try to solve their difficulties or do everything to make them feel good. But for myself, no, I don’t do anything. We don’t have such a habit.” Sister and mother, in turn, take care of others, and nothing good comes of it.

This is such a strong concentration on the life of another person and a preoccupation with managing his behavior that prevents the carrier of codependency from satisfying his own vital needs. Well, if you don’t satisfy your needs - don’t get enough sleep, don’t eat enough, don’t go to the doctor when necessary - then you can die! And then, codependency is often accompanied by deep depression, and in depression thoughts of not wanting to live appear, and sometimes people carry them out. This is what I mean when I say that you can die from codependency. Progressive codependency, left unattended, without treatment and without understanding what is happening to the codependent person, can be very dangerous.

Denial of the disease

Unfortunately, codependent people have a form of psychological defense called denial. In life, it looks like the codependent himself does not understand this, and even if he goes to the doctor, it is not with his own problem, but with the problem of his dependent relative.

-What instructions are you giving me? What problem should we solve with you? (This is called a psychotherapeutic request).

- Well, in our family, my husband drinks a lot of beer.

—Are you afraid that this is already alcoholism?

- Yes, it seems to me that this is alcoholism.

- And you came to do what?

- Well, you, as a specialist, should tell him.

- And after that, what do you think should happen? Will he refuse?

There was no response.

“I know from my own experience that after such conversations nothing happens.

In this case, the person with chemical dependence is silent, only the spouse speaks.

— Do you personally have any problems? So you outlined your husband’s problem, but you came together. Are you here only as an escort, or do you also have some problems?

- I? No... I don't have a problem.

I turn to my husband:

- Do you have any problems?

- No, I don’t have any problems. I only drink beer, which is a weak drink. Only once a week on Fridays, and this is completely normal, it does not cause me any problems or worries.

This is what denial looks like. Meanwhile, the entire consultation showed that the person was really dependent on alcohol.

When you talk to a person suffering from addiction and ask, for example, about the frequency and quantity of alcohol consumption, then his answer can be safely multiplied by 10 in his head. He always tends to downplay the degree of his addiction. And this is not a lie, namely psychological protection, because admitting this truth to yourself is very painful. How then to live with this pain?

About psychological defenses

In general, psychological protection is built into every person. For example, when we feel unwell, do we immediately go to the doctor? No, we wait, we postpone, the operation is delayed for years, until the suffering becomes completely unbearable. This is the attitude towards your health, especially at initial stages the development of the disease is also determined by psychological defense.

Therefore, no matter how much you tell the public about the dangers of addiction, this psychological defense, built in by nature itself, will twist so subtly that there will always be an explanation: everything that happens to me is within the framework of a normal lifestyle, it doesn’t bother anyone, but I’m not that I drink a lot (smoke, sit in front of the computer).

So people don't understand. And don't be surprised by this! This is the nature of this disease.

Take the same spouses who were at my reception. The husband denied to the end that he was suffering from addiction. As a specialist, I expressed my diagnosis, but do something about it, change something, give up beer, listen to my wife’s advice or think about her mental state(and she is very nervous, angry, worried, cries, begs, changes her behavior, left work, makes sure that her husband comes straight home in the evening after work, does not bring beer with him, does not hide bottles from her, because he brings and hides) he is not going to.

You see, this woman’s life began to be determined by alcohol. But she does not understand that life could be spent on other purposes. She also has her own life content.

I just want to save you!

- But a codependent person also pursues some of his own goals by continuing to be close to such a sick person?

— I would say that these are not goals, but the satisfaction of certain psychological needs that have been formed since childhood, back in the parental home.

The visible goal of the woman who came to me for a consultation was “So that he doesn’t drink!” The goal she declares is the achievement of sobriety by her husband. But if you look deeper, there is a very strong systemic connection between the dependent and the codependent. After all, every drinker needs a non-drinker to maintain his drunkenness. People say: “always next to a wet alcoholic you will find a dry alcoholic.”

An essential accompaniment of codependency is low or unstable self-esteem, the belief that “I am not a very important person.” A person evaluates himself by what others say. If the wife of a patient with alcoholism nags him all the time, views his illness not as an illness, but as a moral defect, saying: “You are bad, you get drunk, you don’t care enough about the house, children, you drink away the family money,” then what do you think? what's happening to her self-esteem?

— She is a “savior” of a person, but she sacrifices her life for another?

- Here! She sacrifices her life. And then what feeling does she have?

- That she doesn’t live in vain?

- Right! She gains the meaning of life, and also a special, simple feeling: “I am good, and you are bad.” She chose this man as her husband, feeling that this one was somewhat weak, submissive, suggestible. This one will definitely not leave her, and for the rest she is not good enough in her inner conviction, which, of course, is not at all the case. How can you move through life with such low self-esteem? And this woman begins to persuade herself, “But I do everything right! I carry my family with me, I have one hundred percent responsibility for this, for this and for that. He drinks the money away, and I already got a third job. How good I am!” This is my favorite psychology, the psychology of the victim!

Benefits of Sacrifice

Does the victim have any benefits? Yes, the most important benefit is not taking responsibility for your life. You don’t have to lift a finger in order to change something radically, but rather enjoy blaming others.

Someone is cruel, he drinks, but this one doesn’t understand, doesn’t support... And I’m poor, unhappy. Now that's a benefit for you. Picking flowers of universal sympathy, it’s so nice, it’s such a benefit! People show pity, sympathy... So there are a lot of benefits, though there are losses, no benefits, even more, but the codependent does not notice this...

And the victim’s benefit is power. Power complex – do you know what pleasure it is? I really want to control the lives of others, it’s just pure pleasure. The position “I said it, and so it should be!” So codependents do not pursue goals, but satisfy their complexes. They have a need to control someone's life.

One tells the other how to live. At the same time, he feels that “I know, but you don’t,” and it turns out, “I’m smart, and you’re a fool.” And this upsets relationships: people do not like to be controlled, to be told what is right and what is wrong. Controlling behavior – characteristic codependents, satisfies the lack of love, the lack of power and gives some false feeling security.

Safety is the primary condition for survival, by the way! What can't you survive without? Young people say that without love. But in reality, safety is much more important. If it's dangerous, bullets are whistling, there may be no time for love. Love is an important human need, but I’m talking about the first one - security. So: to the one who controls, it seems that as long as he is watching over everyone here, then he has order at home.

It is not necessary to follow, follow on the heels, you can subtly influence, manipulate so that everything is the way he or she wants. You can control out of love, out of the belief that this is how it should be, that is, in the name of good goals.

- "I know better!"

- “I know better” - of course! “He doesn’t realize that he’s ruining his health with these cases of beer, but I understand...” But where does this actually come from? The roots of this are deep. This is a shortage of love, not received yet in early childhood, self-denial in early childhood.

Imagine - a child wants something, and in his own small way life experience he already knows that if he strongly insists on his desires, he may get a refusal and even disciplinary problems. Parents will say: “shut up, it won’t be your way,” they will shout, punish, put him in a corner... And then, so that he doesn’t have problems - and he definitely needs to win his mother’s love - the child will deny himself, not listen to his desires and listen - very sensitively - to what mom needs and what dad needs in order to satisfy their desires and win their love.

Here are the codependents - one might say that their motto is: “If I am not loved, then at least I am necessary. They can’t get by without me.” The question is: do you need yourself? The answer is – why?

I ask a question to one codependent: “You have seven people in your family. If you rank them by importance, where are you?” Answer: “Yes, I’m in tenth! I’m the least of all for myself!” This is how, without satisfying their own needs, they satisfy the needs of others.

Another feature of codependency is the disorder with personality boundaries. In addition to the physical boundaries that run along the contour of the body, which we treat with care, there are also psychological boundaries. A person feels what kind of psychological space he needs, and within this space should lie, as I say in non-academic language, the entire “mental economy” - feelings, thoughts, motives of behavior, the whole soul. This must be protected... And codependents have no boundaries. And those who do not have their own boundaries willingly violate the boundaries of others. After all, controlling behavior is a violation of boundaries.

If a person - a son, a husband - returns home and his mother, before greeting him, sniffs him for alcohol consumption, then this is also a violation of boundaries.

Risk factors

— Tell me, can this mother raise a person with such controlling behavior who has an increased risk of becoming an alcoholic or drug addict?

- Of course, no one specifically sets such a task - to educate a drug addict.

The main risk factor is still biological, that is, the presence of a relative with addiction. What we call heredity. The father's illness is the most powerful risk factor for his son's alcoholism, drug addiction or other addiction. But not one hundred percent.

That is, having a sick father, you can remain healthy. The biological component is genetics. Heredity. But genes will not manifest themselves in any other way except in interaction with environmental factors, and the most important environment for a person - intrafamily. Not society, not laws, and so on, so I’m always surprised at the lack of enlightenment of the public, who say: “Oh, the government is making the Russian people drunk!” Nobody gets him drunk!

Each person is responsible for himself, for his own behavior. And if a person doesn’t want to, he looks for another environment.

I often ask sick drug addicts:

- Do you have at least one friend who doesn’t use drugs at all?

He answers after thinking:

- No, we use everything. In our yard, we are all with kindergarten We're friends.

– How many of you are people your age?

- Eight.

- And not a single sober person?

- What kind of living thing!? I was left all alone.

-Where are the others?

- At the cemetery.

- From what?

- From an overdose.

Could this person have found himself in a different environment, had other friends? Of course: friends are chosen, they don’t fall from the sky. But the family you were born into cannot be changed.

Functional and dysfunctional family

Family, if it lives in good laws that contribute to health, if it is a harmonious family, then it is called functional, that is, it fulfills all its functions. And if everything is awry, then such a family is called dysfunctional.

There are many signs of a functional and dysfunctional family, but main feature- This is the structure of power in the family. In a dysfunctional family, power is authoritarian and belongs to one person, not always the father, sometimes it can be the mother, sometimes it can be the grandmother. I knew one family from three generations living under one roof: children, parents and grandmother. And so the grandmother managed the family budget of the adult children, and set the rules for everyone - what was possible and what was not.

This is authoritarian rule. And when it is authoritarian, then others are deprived of their rights. No one's opinion is important. In general, they can rudely say to little ones: “Be quiet, they don’t ask you, when you grow up, then you will interfere in the conversation of adults!” This is such disdain.

In a functional family, we can say that the governance of this community is democratic. Everyone has the right to vote, everyone feels significant, with self-esteem, but in dysfunctional self-esteem is trampled upon, there are no freedoms. I don’t mean permissiveness, but freedom of perception is necessary! Freedom of thought, after all, freedom of choice!

There are families where parents choose everything. I had patients, clients who told me with tears in their eyes: “Look at me! I’m 24 years old, everything I’m wearing was bought and chosen by my mother, she didn’t ask me!” Maybe the mother knows well what her son needs, but the man cried when he talked about it! So there must be freedom of choice, freedom of opinion.

So, living in a dysfunctional family and early traumatization in childhood are very powerful risk factors for addiction. I mean the feelings of rejection experienced in childhood: “They don’t love me, they abandoned me!” Separation from his mother, even for two weeks, for a three-year-old child can be fatal in terms of the severity of his fate. And who understands this when parents need to go to Antalya?!

They pushed the grandmother, but the grandmother is not a mother, this is an unequal perception of the child. It is the grandmother who believes that she is almost a mother and performs the functions of a mother, but neither biologically nor psychologically she can replace a mother, no matter how golden this grandmother may be. At the same time, I’m not against grandmothers, they bring their own spirit, an additional one, but only if the mother is there.

So, feelings of rejection, loneliness, insult, violence - there are so many of them! This is not necessarily physical violence, but nevertheless, in terms of its psychological destructive effects, it is almost the same thing.

There is emotional abuse: “You shouldn’t feel that way! This is wrong, wrong!

Intellectual violence: “You shouldn’t think like that! Nonsense! This is wrong, only as right as I say!”

Force-feeding semolina porridge is also a fact of violence. Moreover, nutrition personifies the whole taste for life in psychology. If this taste for life from a young age is poisoned by sticking a spoon with semolina porridge, then a person may have a rejection of life, himself, and an inability to do good. harmonious development and perception of the world.

Here are the risk factors - there are psychological, there are genetic, and when they accumulate together to some critical mass, addiction very quickly arises.

What to do if there are genetic prerequisites for chemical dependence in the family? A great protective factor, of course, is family. If relationships are established there, if a person receives satisfaction in his most important need - love - then this is protection. And despite the presence of a sick father, the mother’s love and attention (if, as often happens, it does not become excessive) can reduce the risk of addiction. And it is also important to have a healthy meaning in life. A good passion for something is also a protective factor. Of course, successful studies and work, the presence of sober friends with non-alcoholic interests can be protective factors; in short, an appropriate environment, the presence of some kind of goal, determination.

Internet addiction

- What do you think about bad habit sit for hours at the computer?

- This is also an addiction, yes. All dependencies follow the same laws, getting worse, growing... From the Internet, gambling- This is a serious addiction. Her risk factors are the same: her father is an alcoholic, and her son sits at the computer for days. This is care in virtual reality, this is an abdication of responsibility for real life, this is obtaining some kind of euphoric state through pseudo-communication.

In other words, Internet addicts get their buzz from it, a state close to intoxication and euphoria. Of course, there is an inability to stop and regulate your time on the Internet. This destroys relationships in the family - if, for example, the head of the family comes home from work and immediately sits down at his laptop. It is clear that he is not a father, he does not pay attention to his children.

In addition, it destroys health. People addicted to the computer do not pay attention to their health, eat poorly, are immobilized... Gamers develop additional expenses when playing for money, this devastates the budget... This prevents the establishment of normal love relationship, because everything associated with addiction becomes more expensive than anyone.

If, during alcoholism, a wife asks the question: “Either me or vodka!” and vodka always wins, so dear women, you don’t even have to say this phrase! You can answer this question in your head. Vodka will win! Well, sometimes for a while it will be “both me and vodka,” but vodka will still be more expensive.

So, communicating on the Internet is the same as vodka. This determines the whole life, it all revolves around this... Like an alcoholic: “Hurry up it’s Friday, on Friday we have a meeting in the bar...” So here: “Hurry up I wish I could free myself and read my favorite forum.” It is draining, it devastates the personality.

In general, this is an already born addiction. Humanity will always find new addictions. You can ban substances, drugs, vodka, but they will still come up with something new. There will still be a lot of addicts. For some reason, there is such a property in our nature.

I would trade my illnesses for alcoholism

- If a person is currently suffering from addiction, can he somehow take control of it?

- I have a friend in America, Mary, she has four adult sons - under 30 and over 30. One day she calls and says: “Valentina, you know, my son Tim has resumed using drugs!” And when I was there, they lived soberly and did not use. And at the same time, Mary, the mother of a drug addict, was cheerful, optimistic, joked and laughed into the phone!

I was surprised: “Mary, how can you? Tim is such a wonderful guy, he’s only 26 years old, he hosted our dinner, he’s a chef, he served it so professionally and beautifully, and he actually said that he was going to get married!... In general, a wonderful guy, warm, how can you laugh? »

She replies: “What are you talking about! It’s good that he resumed!”

- What's good about that?!

“And this is God reminding him that he needs to do something about this problem!” And he stopped doing it, he was in a treatment program, he graduated from it and didn’t do anything else. But you have to continuously be in the program!

When she says this, she means going to self-help groups, meeting with a therapist. This lasts for years, with some periodicity - but it lasts. And he has already forgotten! But now he has entered the program again.

Then he stopped at the reception again, got married, everything is fine with him. A person lives a full life. By the way, out of Mary’s four sons, three used drugs, and the fourth suffered from depression without drugs. But everyone recovered - in the usual sense of the word, because we must not forget that this disease can recur, that is, repeat itself. By definition, it is a recurring disease.

However, her father, Mary’s husband, has seventeen years of sobriety, and all these years he has been going to Alcoholics Anonymous, while he works, he is a successful engineer, he earns good money...

At my very “advanced” age, I sometimes joke: “With what pleasure I would trade my illnesses for alcoholism (laughs). With alcoholism, I would know exactly what to do, I would be cured!” But coronary heart disease is difficult to regulate. Well, diet, diet, diet - but the plaques are still sitting there and won’t go away. And so on.

But seriously, any illness is not a death sentence if you deal with it seriously. Take any - stomach, kidneys, liver - do people recover once in their entire lives and never suffer again?

Alcoholism is a disease, in a sense an ordinary disease, and it can be cured. If we perceive this in the concept of illness, then there is less hatred between people. Not “he’s this and that,” “he acts badly,” but “he’s sick.” And just as we love people with ulcers, hypertension, and tuberculosis, we also love alcoholics. There is something to love them for human dignity with them. Professionalism lasts for a very long time; it takes a very strong dependence for problems to arise in the profession. That is, all the advantages that were present on the wedding day are still available.

Interviewed by Lika Sideleva

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about the author

Practicing psychologist, working in the Jungian direction. Graduated from Voronezh State University, Moscow Institute of Psychoanalysis and Moscow Association of Analytical Psychology. From 2012 to 2015 she worked as editor-in-chief of the Matrona.RU portal

Origin

The authorship of the expression is often attributed to the English writer Samuel Johnson. His biographer James Boswell, in his memoirs, says that in 1755 Johnson said, “Hell is paved with good intentions.” However, Walter Scott in his novel The Bride of Lamermoor (1819) attributes its origin to one of the English theologians.

The most likely original author of the saying is considered to be an English theologian XVII century George Herbert, in whose book “Jacula prudentium” there is a phrase “Hell is full of good meaning and wishings” - “Hell is full of good intentions and desires.” With this saying, Herbert illustrated one of the main ideas of Protestant ethics, according to which the reality of faith certainly leads to the performance of good deeds. This saying echoes a saying from the Bible - in the book of Jesus, son of Sirach (chapter 21, v. 11) there is a phrase: “The path of sinners is paved with stones, but at the end of it is the abyss of hell.”

Thus, from a theological point of view, the meaning of this saying is that there are much more good intentions than good deeds, therefore people who have good intentions, but do not carry them out, cannot be considered righteous and thus cannot yet count on getting into paradise.

Other options

• The path to hell is paved with good intentions
• The road to hell is paved with good intentions
• Hell is paved with good intentions
• Fifteen years of hell, which is paved with good (good) intentions
• Good intentions lead straight to hell

Notes

Literature

• Walter Scott. Bride of Lammermoor.
• A. Kirsanova. Dictionary popular words and expressions. - M.: Martin, 2004. - 448 p. - 1500 copies.

- ISBN 5-8475-0154-4

Links

• Wikimedia Foundation.
• 2010.

Good Intentions ("Lost")

Blabyrkhva (platform)- From English: Hell is paved with good intentions. According to Boswell, biographer of the English writer, critic, essayist and lexicographer Samuel Johnson (1709-1784), it was the latter who once said this phrase: “Hell is paved with good intentions.”... ... Dictionary of popular words and expressions

The road to hell is paved with good intentions- last about the undesirable or severe consequences of attempts to implement an attractive, but insufficiently thought-out plan...

road- and, m. 1) A strip of land, rolled out or specially prepared for movement, a route of communication. Dirt road. Railway. Slippery road. The road was covered with snow. I go out alone on the road; through the fog the flinty path shines... ... Popular dictionary of the Russian language

Hayek Friedrich von- Liberalism of Friedrich von Hayek Life and writings Friedrich August von Hayek was born in Vienna in 1899. During the First World War, as an Austrian artillery officer, he fought on the border with Italy. Returning to Vienna, he began to study... ... Western philosophy from its origins to the present day

HELL- HELL, ah, about hell, in hell, husband. 1. B religious ideas: a place where the souls of sinners are given over to eternal torment after death. The torment of hell (also translated). The road to hell is paved with good intentions (that good intentions are often forgotten, giving way... ... Ozhegov's Explanatory Dictionary

Catchphrase - Winged words(tracing paper from the German Geflügelte Worte, which, in turn, is a tracing paper from the Greek ἔπεα πτερόεντα phrase found in Homer) a stable phraseological unit of a figurative or aphoristic nature, included in the vocabulary from ... ... Wikipedia

We wanted the best, but it turned out as always- “We wanted the best, but it turned out as always” catchphrase, delivered by Viktor Chernomyrdin, Prime Minister Russian Federation On August 6, 1993, at a press conference, telling how the monetary reform of 1993 was being prepared... ... Wikipedia

BioShock 2- Developer 2K Marin 2K Australia Digital Extremes (Multiplayer) 2K China Arkane Studios (level design assistance) Publishers ... Wikipedia

We wanted the best, it turned out as always- “We wanted the best, but it turned out as always” is a phrase said by Viktor Chernomyrdin, Prime Minister of the Russian Federation on August 6, 1993 at a press conference, describing how the 1993 monetary reform was being prepared. July 24, 1993... ...Wikipedia

hell- noun, m., used. compare often Morphology: (no) what? hell, what? hell, (see) what? hell, what? hell, about what? about hell and in hell 1. In various religions, hell is the place (it is generally believed that it is located somewhere deep underground) where after... ... Dmitriev's Explanatory Dictionary

Books

• Stealing darkness, Ksenia Bazhenova. Even several years later, Katya could not forget this nightmare: she got rid of the child at the request of his father! However, despite this, the girl, it seems, still continued to love Sergei... Stas...