What should I do if I don’t know how to communicate with guys, I’m very shy

As you know, at the beginning of a relationship, a man looks at a woman with admiring and adoring eyes. But over time, this sparkle in the eyes fades, because many couples don’t even realize that relationships are work, so you can’t relax.

The woman who wants her lover to always look only at her must follow some rules for communicating with her beloved man. Let's look at these rules in more detail.

Every man deserves his woman. And vice versa.
Dilya Derdovna Enikeeva

Why are there rules of communication?

Surely each of you has encountered such a problem that a man who, at the beginning of your relationship, looked at you with admiring and adoring eyes, over time loses this sparkle in his eyes.

The thing is that many of you forget that any relationship is also work, and you should never relax, believing that the man is completely yours and that no one can ever separate you. It doesn't matter if it's a first date or long years

marriage, a woman who wants the man she loves to always look only at her must follow the unspoken rules of communication with men.

Rule 1: We give compliments First of all, do not forget about compliments and kind words. This fact is far from stereotypical ideas, but men react to compliments no less than women. This may be praise regarding appearance

, or a compliment to the qualities shown in a certain situation, or a positive assessment of success at work. The main thing is to make the man feel like you see his efforts.
Every man has some virtues, you just need to point them out to him.

Erich Maria Remarque

Rule 2: Learn to listen

You also need to learn to listen. Always let your man talk, inspire him to share his memories, plans, and doubts with you.

Let him always be the center of attention, and leave your affairs for the ears of your friends. This way he will trust you more and become more attached to you.

Rule 3: We are the first to make contact By the way, men are not always the first to make contact, so don’t be afraid to be interested and ask questions.

Emphasize your interest in your beloved man, he will definitely notice it.

Rule 4: Don't criticize Another– don’t criticize. In any case, do not criticize openly and do not blame.

Of course, showdowns generally spoil relationships, but men react to criticism more painfully.

It’s better to resort to soft encouraging forms like “next time you’ll do better”, “it’s okay.”

Rule 5: We don’t put pressure on a man You should also avoid putting pressure on a man. There is no need to impose any plans or decisions on him, insist on your convictions, argue to the point of exhaustion, let him better get the impression that he always decides everything, and you only support him.

According to statistics, men more often choose women who are soft and flexible than strong-willed ones. Their leadership skills you can successfully implement it at work or in your favorite hobby.

Rule 6: We don’t reproach You shouldn’t reproach a man for a long time if he didn’t follow your advice, finishing him off with your catchphrase “well, I told you so.”

Here, depending on the degree of globality of the problem, you can either remain silent, or delicately point out that the correct option was present during the discussion, without particularly insisting on its significance.

A man and a woman are two boxes in which the keys to each other are stored.
Karen Blixen (Isak Dinesen)

Rule 7: We don’t wash dirty linen in public Avoid public showdowns, comments or reproaches when strangers, even if they are your best friends. In general, try to make sure that all your problems and misunderstandings remain only between you. Rule 8: Speak directly, without hints

Yes, don’t forget that men don’t take hints, and if you really need to ask them for something or provide information that you consider extremely important, do it directly, without roundaboutness.

If you wait for him to understand everything by your meaningful look or to figure out what to do himself, then you can wait like this all your life.

By the way, if we are talking about a request, then men really like to be useful, to feel needed, so do not be afraid to ask them for specific help, but, of course, without fanaticism.

Conclusion If you start following these simple rules for communicating with men, then very soon you yourself will be able to see that your relationship has become better and more pleasant. Communication with a man
Many of us have noticed that dialogue with a man quite often smoothly turns into his monologue. Of course, we are not particularly pleased with this, and we are not alone here. Ludwig Feuerbach, for example, believed that no single individual carries the essence of humanity; only society can do this. Friedrich Nietzsche added: “Everyone individually is always wrong. Only in relation to two does the truth begin.” Martin Buber called his philosophy “Dialogic”, believing that the spiritual life of loved ones is possible only in their communication. The monologue turns the “other” into some semblance of a thing, an object.
Conversations filled with love bring agreement and take seriously the differences between the interlocutors. Often, when talking, men are inclined, without listening to the interlocutor to the end, to object to him, without having time to “enter his world.” However, a point of view can only be formulated by comparing “one’s own world” and “another’s world”, based on their similarities and differences. Perhaps men feel so inattentively out of fear of “entering” the world of another, becoming like the interlocutor, losing themselves, dissolving in another.
The way men conduct a conversation is largely determined by the role expectations that permeate relationships between people. Male and female “roles” are quite often firmly established: in a conversation, a man must be active and firmly stand his ground. A woman should speak softly, in a motherly self-denial manner. A man is “supposed” to convince, prove, compete and win. He must remain rational, unshakable, dynamic and not very impressionable in any situation. Men often believe that listening means being passive. And further. In childhood, the need to listen to someone most often results in listening to instructions and reprimands. That is, to listen means to be guilty of something, bad, to be punished for it and to be humiliated. A little boy is too rarely asked how he feels. Growing up, he simply does not speak a language that would allow him to express his feelings and sensations. Mistakes in communicating with men Many women, on the contrary, listen not only to what a man says, but also to what he would like to say, but for what reason? -for some reason it can’t. The woman asks herself: “What is bothering him now? Who is he angry with? Maybe he’s afraid of something?” Psychologists say that after meeting and communicating with a man, women often know better than their interlocutors what was discussed.
Researchers highlight typical features male manner of conversation. Here are some of them.
Men tend not to talk about their own weaknesses, mistakes, feelings; Never complain yourself and never console anyone. He is pleased to talk about his successes and get smart. His speech is not alien to an edifying and instructive tone. A man does not like to ask; it is more pleasant for him to assert something. And if he doesn’t know something, he will be able to find out everything himself, without outside help.
A man prefers to show that he is always busy with something, even if it seems to others that he is doing nothing. (He doesn't like to be bothered with empty talk). It is unpleasant for a man to be criticized a lot. It would be better for him to criticize himself exaggeratedly and mercilessly (perhaps so that others would not do this). A man runs from serious conversations to football, to a pub, to a car, to a bathhouse, goes into chatting with friends about politics, and “saves himself” by alcohol. When talking to a woman, a man often speaks louder than his interlocutor, interrupting her, or remains silent, not answering her questions.
But it would be unfair to blame men for their inability to conduct a conversation and praise women for their talent for communication. Categorical statements here (as elsewhere!) are completely inappropriate. We can only talk about the general “Male” or “Female” tendency to conduct a conversation. But in general, we all very often lack the ability to communicate, knowledge of the rules that increase the effectiveness of interaction between people. Rules for communicating with men So, I want to offer several rules of communication that can serve well not only men.
The first and basic rule was formulated many centuries ago: “ Main man in the world - the one who is in front of you!
If an Interlocutor appears in front of you, there should be two left for you in the entire Cosmos - he and you, and He is in the center.
It is necessary, according to at least, try to make you like your interlocutor, and when this happens, do not hide it, but give him, without being stingy, signs of attention.
Style, manners of communication - the more similarity we have with our interlocutor (right down to the tempo of speech, intonation and timbre of voice), the better.
Each of us has our own music. Its melody and tonality tend to vary from situation to situation. But what will happen if we, without hearing the interlocutor’s melody, start playing our own? Therefore, before you begin to sound yourself, it is better to listen to the tonality of your interlocutor. You need to feel what excites him.
What worries our interlocutor should also excite us. We must understand and share his experiences.
In a conversation, it is very important not to increase tension. You need to look at the coloring of each word and throw away all the dirty, poisonous, fighting words. Why do we need to pollute the space between people?
Incorrect, angry and aggressive statements, even if not directed at the interlocutor, still create tension. Therefore, we must try not to speak ill of anyone.
It is hardly worth overusing the words: “Everyone, no one, always, never, everywhere, nowhere...” We must try to say more accurately: “Who and when.”
Naturally, there should be certainty in speech, but this should not be confused with sharpness and categoricalness, which is often very vague in content.
Will we like communication in which the interlocutor constantly climbs on the pedestal, and pushes you into a dirty puddle? Building communication “on equal terms” is justified because this is exactly the kind of communication our interlocutors expect from us. But it may turn out to be a conflict with the boss if he is confident in his position at the top and is waiting for, albeit a small, but still an extension from below.
It is important not to hurt what is dear to a person: people in his circle, his hobbies, ideals and values.
The basis of many misunderstandings is that men and women perceive the purpose of conversation differently. For a man, conversation is the transfer of information, and for a woman it is a way of communication: saying something means showing participation, and listening means showing interest and care. For women who are accustomed to expressing any opinion or thought, not saying anything means not thinking anything. But men do not at all believe that any thought that flashes through their heads is worth expressing. If it is natural for a woman to express her thoughts, then it is natural for a man not to pay attention to them. All their lives, women thought out loud, communicating with loved ones; all their lives, men did not express their thoughts out loud and kept them to themselves. Women's tricks in communicating with men But the fact is that men and women talk differently and about different things, they There are often different ideas about what is important and when exactly to start a conversation important topics. Conversation for most women is, first of all, communication, an exchange of emotions and a way to express affection for the interlocutor. The main thing is to find common points of view based on life experience. Girl everything free time spends with his best friend, the basis of their friendship is boundless communication. The girl appreciates in her friend the opportunity to share her deepest desires with her, without fear of seeming stupid or funny. For many men, conversation is, first of all, a way to maintain their independence, strengthen and define social status. This is achieved by demonstrating one's knowledge and intelligence or by being the center of attention through different stories, jokes, political news, etc. From childhood, boys learn to use communication as a way to gain attention and ultimately realize their abilities.
In a conversation, men prove their point of view using objective arguments about what is right and wrong, while women argue their opinion based on personal experience or the experiences of your friends. Several myths about men With development modern television, technology, Internet, etc. many women have increasingly begun to crawl online various myths, from which illusions are then built and incorrect images or comparisons are born. One of these myths, or rather several myths, are the established and not always true stereotypes about men. In this article we will try to dispel some of them, which cannot be attributed to all representatives of the stronger half of humanity.

The first myth sounds like: “All men need only one thing.” And this is the first female misconception. The spread of such myths through television or fashionable glossy magazines is carried out mainly by women who, for one reason or another, were unable to arrange their own personal lives. Very often, men have very serious intentions when getting to know a girl they like, they enjoy communication, her manners are pleasant, and the thought of how to quickly get her into bed does not play in their minds. No, this misconception is common and incorrect.

The second myth says famous saying: “The way to a man’s heart is through his, that’s right, stomach!” And this circumstance also cannot be equated to all men. If you want to sit on his neck, then best option you can’t imagine, otherwise, it’s best to look for an individual approach in specific conditions.

The third myth says that men don’t cry, they only get upset, and this is perhaps the main misconception modern women. We should start with the fact that being upset and crying are, in principle, identical words, which means that in certain situations a man may well cry; naturally, he will try to do this alone and not show it in public. Men cry, and sometimes even do it like children; simply imposed stereotypes often force them to hold back resentment or anger, which, by the way, does not have a very positive effect on their physical and moral health.

The fourth myth is the opinion that for a man, gatherings with friends are akin to a holy event, and here it is worth making a reservation. After all, very often a man runs away to his friends from everyday problems, mainly in his personal life, who else but they can listen and understand him while drinking a liter of another good beer?

And finally, those girls who believe that real men are exclusively financially successful should take off their rose-colored glasses. No, this is not always the case, because " tough guys"is known to deliver to women greatest number troubles, and what then is their masculinity?

Imagine you come to an exotic country where no one speaks English. But don't worry - you have a special dictionary explaining how to communicate with the locals. You set foot on this land and make your first attempt to start a conversation using information from your dictionary, but the local looks at you like you're crazy. You address the other person and try to reconnect by choosing a phrase that your dictionary suggests to show friendliness. This time the native becomes angry, clearly offended by what you said, and starts shouting at you. Now you're starting to panic and rush to look through the dictionary to find an expression that means you're asking for help. You stop a man on the street and say these words to him and, to your surprise, find that instead of helping you, he bursts into a wild smrh and walks away, shaking his head. And here you begin to understand a terrible thing - your dictionary is useless. It was obviously written for another country because these people don't understand a word you're saying.

I think you've already guessed that this story reflects the frustration that women have experienced for centuries when trying to communicate with men. We speak to men in a language that we believe they should understand. The only result we achieve in doing this is to reveal their complete misunderstanding.

I wrote this chapter to give you instructions on how to talk to the man you love. It contains the secrets of how men think, listen, and express their feelings.

Three secrets of communicating with men

Below I will reveal to you three secrets that have great importance to understand how to communicate with men. Each secret includes three types of information:

a) what women do wrong, not knowing the habits of men;

b) how men react to this;

c) solution: new ways of communication.

Knowing the three secrets and applying this knowledge will help resolve many of your problems and help create stable relationships with the men in your life.

Communication Secret #1

Men communicate best when they see the purpose of the conversation.

Throughout this book, we have discussed more than once the question of how men are focused on specific goal. We also know that they feel much more comfortable when they know in advance what time frame they will have to act within. In this case, they gain a sense of control over the situation in which they find themselves. Therefore, when men talk to you, they would like to know what you want from them. This gives them the feeling that they know what they are doing when talking to you.

We offer men too vague a topic for conversation.

We are speaking:

"Let's talk".

"Honey, I think we need to talk about our relationship."

"Help me decide what to do with my work."

These statements are too vague and vague. They do not give your partner any guidelines; the framework within which the conversation will develop remains unclear to him. The man loses control over the situation and begins to feel that some actions are expected of him, but he does not know the rules of the game. All this creates fear and uncertainty. Most women do not face these problems because.

most women are process-oriented rather than goal-oriented

Two friends can sit down next to each other and say, “Let's talk,” and neither of them will care at all where the conversation will lead or what its purpose will be. They enjoy the process of expressing their emotions. For most men, this lack of constructive information causes confusion.

How do men react to this?
Your partner may show complete disinterest in having a conversation.
He may begin to resist and will not want to talk to you.
He may start arguing with you, wanting to put the conversation off.
He may think that you are completely incapable of expressing yourself clearly, or that you don't know what you want to say, or that he simply won't take you seriously.

Solution:

1. When you want to discuss something with a man, introduce him to the “agenda”.

Tell him what exactly you would like to talk to him about, what you would like to achieve and what you expect from him. For example:
"Darling, let's talk a little this evening. We didn't have time to chat quietly while your mom was visiting us last week. Why don't we compare notes on this? We could discuss what we need to do to get her next The visit went better."
“Jim, I would like to talk to you about our relationship. We have been living together for six months, and I think now is the time to discuss our strengths and weaknesses. If I know your opinion, it will be much easier for me to build our relationship.” "Harry, I need you to help me establish the right relationship with my boss at work. I feel like he is overloading me with work at Lately

, and I want to tell him about it, but I don’t know how best to do it. I think that your male perspective on this problem would help me come up with the right solution." In each of these examples, the woman gave her partner specific guidelines in the conversation, instead in order to

vaguely say, “Let's talk about your mom's visit,” or “Let's discuss our relationship,” or “I need your help with my job.” And a man, having the purpose of the discussion in mind, feels much calmer and more confident when entering into it.

2. Ask your man questions.

Correctly posed questions also help build a conversation with a man. The more specific the question, the better. For example:

Incorrect: “How are you at work?” Your partner will give you the same laconic answer: “Great.” Right:"Darling, how is your

new project

At work? Is he really as complicated as you thought?" Incorrect: “Jim, I think we need to talk about our relationship.” By doing so you put Jim in

Incorrect: “How are you at work?” predicament

, and most likely he will answer: “Why, is something wrong?”

"Jim, I think we need to talk about our relationship. We've been dating for six months. What do you think about our strengths and weaknesses and how do you see our future?"

Incorrect: “How are you at work?” "Harry, I'm having problems with my boss at work. (Explain the problems.) Do you think I should go to him directly or go through my supervisor? What would you suggest?"

3. Don't use hints, say directly what you want.

One of the worst habits women have when communicating with men is trying to avoid direct conversation. We hint at what we want instead of speaking our minds openly. We are very vague about what bothers us, instead of saying it directly. All this creates in men the feeling that you are manipulating them and causes severe irritation.

“I hate it when my wife starts hinting at things to me,” one man told me. “I know what she wants to say, but the way she does it makes me feel like she thinks I’m either an idiot.” , who doesn’t understand anything, or a weakling who can play around with her any way she wants. I’d rather she come to me and tell me what’s on her mind.”

Take this man's advice - be frank. In this case, men will know your thoughts and will communicate with you with great pleasure.

Communication Secret #2

A man thinks silently, he expresses only the final result

You already know that men strive to give answers to all questions, while hiding their fears and insecurities. As a result, a man's thought process is hidden and he is in no hurry to express his opinion until he makes a final decision. A man I know called this process “meditation.” Men think about something in silence. Don't forget: men are solution-oriented.

Men prefer to speak up only when they know the answer or solution, and not before. They think and reflect in silence. That's why, if you ask a man for advice or ask a question, he may answer you: "Let me think." He doesn't want to give a quick answer that might turn out to be "wrong." By the way, when I interviewed men for this book, most of them were taken aback by my request for a quick answer and said, “Let me think about it.”

What women do wrong

We think out loud.
"I hate it when my wife opens her mouth to immediately express any thought as soon as it comes into her head."

I've heard similar statements countless times while interviewing men. The problem again lies in the differences between men and women, in that men are more solution oriented and women are more process oriented. See how this difference manifests itself in the way a man and a woman convey the same information.

Judy says to her husband Bob:"Listen, I'm going to take your suit to the dry cleaners tomorrow morning. I wanted to do it yesterday, but I stayed in a meeting until six o'clock. Then, if I'm around, I think I'll stop by the department store and ask if I can return that one." a pair of sweatpants that I bought last week - you know, there's a small stain on the front. Oh, by the way, maybe I should go to the store first while it's not crowded, and then go to the dry cleaner. Yes, that would be better. , otherwise it will be difficult to find a place in the parking lot. Oh, I almost forgot, I promised Kindy to make an appointment with her. I'd better do it right now. Where's my notebook? So, have you seen it? last time I saw her in the kitchen when I called someone..."

Bob tells his wife Judy:“Darling, I have several things planned for this morning, kisses, bye.”

Are you as confused as I am reading this? What you and I have read is a perfect example of how women think out loud.

We may not even realize we are doing this. Judy had no intention of giving all this information to Bob. It’s just easier for her to think about her affairs for tomorrow, listening to herself. And Bob sat next to him and thought about what all men think about in such cases.

How do men react to this?

Most men react to this in the same way as Bob, sitting next to Judy, reacted. They think: "Women talk too much!"

What men usually mean by this is that women talk about their thoughts and feelings much more than men would like to hear. This is normal for us; for most men this is excessive.

We're going off topic.

You may be able to understand this dilemma a little better by knowing how goal-oriented men are. They want you to describe the situation to them in twenty-five words or less. And they don’t understand at all that for you the very process of discussing the problem is already part of its solution, because it helps you better understand and clarify the current situation.

Women express their complaints and problems out loud, without letting the man understand that they themselves are able to find a solution.

This is why men accuse women of crying and complaining too much. Even though some women really like to play the role of the victim and constantly whine without doing anything to change their lives; the rest still cope with their problems. Be that as it may, women often “complain out loud”: about what bothers them, while men keep their troubles to themselves.

When a man hears his wife making negative judgments about something, he does not understand that for her this is a way to relieve nervous tension, a way to find a solution to the problem that has arisen.

He becomes impatient, believing that she will continue to talk endlessly and never find a solution. He begins to feel responsible for solving her problem.

He will try push her to make a decision.

Solution:

1. Discuss this secret with your man.

Explain to him what "thinking out loud" means to you and let him know that you understand him. I've done this myself with my partner, and now when I start thinking out loud, he looks at me and we start laughing together. I'm not saying that you should stop thinking out loud if you like it, but discuss it with your partner so that he can be more accepting of this habit of yours.

2. When discussing something with your partner, give him time to think about his answer.

Incorrect: “How are you at work?” Let's say you and your husband are planning a trip next month and you want to discuss whether Thursday night or Friday morning is the best time to go.

Wrong: Start discussing out loud all possible options, all the pros and cons, demanding an immediate answer from your partner.

Provide the man with all the information you have and say: “Would you like to discuss this now or do you need time to think?”

This will give the man the opportunity to think about everything calmly, without haste or fear of giving the right answer. By giving your partner the choice to discuss the issue now or later, you give him the opportunity to feel free to act and prevent the outburst that might ensue if you press him for an immediate response.

3. Warn your partner in advance that by voicing complaints out loud, you are looking for a solution to the problem.

This is a very important male secret that you should know: for most men inner world feelings and emotions - an alien, unfamiliar and frightening land.

The world of emotions is unknown to men.

Most men live with their heads, not their hearts, so they are not used to delving into their feelings for a long time. Remember: a person feels comfortable when dealing with something familiar to him.

As we have already seen, the very process of socialization of women proceeded in such a way that they are more familiar with the sphere of emotions and feelings than men. And no one enjoys doing what he doesn’t know and can’t do. If you are good at contemporary art

, you will undoubtedly have fun talking about this topic with your friends. If you have not had experience with tax-free investing, you will feel unsure about this issue and will not enjoy talking about this topic.

Since men feel emotionally insecure, it is not surprising that they do not enjoy analyzing or expressing their feelings.

Entering the world of emotions makes men feel like they are losing control of the situation.

If a man feels insecure about something, then, being involved in this area, he ceases to be the master of the situation, being subjected to pressure. This feeling that someone is controlling them is very scary for men, and they try to avoid it at all costs. Therefore, men try not to enter the world of emotions, realizing that they lack experience and the ability to navigate it.

If you're not in good shape, would you consider going on a hike or taking an aerobics class? Not a very attractive thought, is it? This is because you are asked to do something that you do not know how to do, that you are not used to, which requires a lot of stress from you. Well, draw an analogy here with men and their reluctance to talk about their feelings. The truth is that men are emotionally out of shape.

Most of the men I interviewed expressed anger and pain at how often women label them as "unemotional, emotionless" people. It is important to understand that male insensitivity is a myth.

It's not always easy for men to express their feelings. And sometimes it seems to us that they have no feelings at all. The truth is that they simply cannot always identify their feelings. So when you ask your partner, “How do you feel?” - afraid of looking stupid or hesitant to openly admit that he does not know what he feels (remember, it is very difficult for a man to say: “I don’t know”), he may answer: “Nothing.”

2. We expect men to make up their minds as quickly as we do. Not all, but most women have a much quicker emotional response than most men because we have more experience with it. It is a mistake to expect your partner to be able to decide on his feelings within a few minutes, that he will be able to quickly penetrate his emotional depths, that he will easily share his fears with you. I do not want to say that men cannot master the emotional sphere. Over the past ten years, in my seminars, I have worked with thousands of men who sought to master the world of feelings, and I have seen how loving, emotionally open people

they became. It takes constant training and practice, daily work for both men and women, to get rid of old emotional habits and form new, healthy ones.

During our first meetings, I was nervous at the thought of starting a relationship with such a man. We had a wonderful conversation about the meaning of life while having lunch together in a restaurant. He read poetry to me. Everything looked lovely/But after three or four meetings, I began to notice something strange. This man never spoke about how he felt. Everything he presented to me was either his judgment or intellectual analysis, but not his feelings. It didn't take me long to realize that it was easy for him to talk about what was in his head, but not at all easy for him to talk about what was in his heart. By the way, as he admitted to me later, one of the reasons why he sought to look like such an intellectual was his desire to hide his feelings.

How men react

If you accuse a man of emotional underdevelopment, he, deeply experiencing misunderstanding, will further close his feelings from you. He:

will rebel against you;
will not show any desire to carry on conversations with you;
will become angry with you and will respond by accusing you of being too emotional.

How Kelly and Michael learned to argue less and love more

Kelly and Michael were young married couple, who came to me for a consultation because they quarreled very often. “It’s the same thing every time,” Kelly complained. “I want to talk to Michael about our relationship. Sometimes something worries me, or I feel like I’m not getting enough attention, or whatever. I invite him to talk , but Michael, regardless of the topic of conversation, tries in every possible way to avoid it. At the same time, he accuses me of being upset over trifles, or starts asking a bunch of questions, trying to put me in an awkward position, or simply attacks me, calling me names. “an emotional fool.” I’m starting to think that he is not at all interested in our relationship, and I generally cease to understand why he married me.”

I asked Kelly if I could talk to Michael alone.

Michael, tell me what's going on inside you when Kelly tries to engage you in an emotional discussion?

“Well,” Michael said quietly, “I know for a fact that I’m uncomfortable.” I don't know what she wants from me. Her desire to talk to me makes me feel like I did something wrong. And she speaks so quickly, gives me so much information that I am simply not able to digest it all at once. I start to feel overwhelmed and want to slow things down.

How do you feel when Kelly asks you to talk about your feelings?

Michael thought for a minute and then said:

I feel depressed because I might make a mistake. I feel confused because I am put in an awkward position when I have to talk about my emotions, and I am not always sure of them. Kelly always wants an answer immediately.

If I can't do this, I get very upset.

What would you want from her in this situation?

Well,” Michael replied, “I think I need more time to process her words and determine my feelings.”

Have you told her about this? Did you ask for some time to think? Have you told her that you feel confused and depressed?

No,” Michael shook his head. - I never realized this before. To tell the truth, I behaved like a fool. I became angry and caustic and tried to make her feel that all the problems lay with her. I think I was trying to blame her for everything so that I could have time to think about the problem.

Michael is a perfect example of a man who has difficulty identifying his feelings, so he tends to avoid emotional discussions with his wife in order to hide his confusion and insecurity. When Kelly returned to the room, I explained Michael's behavior to her and she breathed a sigh of relief. “And I thought that Michael didn’t love me,” she admitted. “Now I know that he avoided talking to me not because of a lack of love for me, but because of a feeling of psychological discomfort.”

Solution:

1. Don’t throw all your emotions at your partner at once, expecting an immediate reaction from him.

Take your time - stop for a minute - and clarify for yourself what you want to say. If you were talking to a foreigner who is just learning your language, you would speak to him slowly and clearly, right? I'm not saying that you should talk to a man like he's an ignorant ignoramus, but this advice will help you think better and clarify for yourself what you want to say, instead of jumping from one thought to another. This way of presenting the problem will allow the man to avoid confusion and give him time to determine his attitude to what you are saying. It is very good if there are pauses in the conversation - do not try to fill them with words.

Sometimes, when your partner is silent, it does not mean that he is ignoring you. He simply thinks about the information that you gave him and tries to determine his attitude towards it, his feelings.

Wrong: condemn him for emotional inhibition, insist on an immediate response regardless of whether he wants it or not; follow him around the house and scream, demanding an answer, accusing him of ignoring you. Right:

"Look, I know I've told you a lot and probably bombarded you with information. Why don't we take a break for a while to think about everything and talk a little later? I love you and I'm sure we can find the right one." solution".

2. Try touching your partner, holding their hand, hugging them to help them “switch from head to heart.” This is one of the fastest and sometimes most simple ways

help the man you love understand your feelings. A man’s psychological state is very closely connected with his body, and by touching him physically, you seem to transfer a man from the path of pure logic, cold intellectual analysis to the path of feelings and emotions.

When you see that your partner is having a hard time expressing his feelings or is having a hard time accepting your emotions, pause the conversation and be silent for a minute.

This will help turn the intellectual battle into a friendly conversation.

How to listen to men

Have you ever felt impatient when your partner tries to tell you something and it seems like it will take him forever?

One of the most common complaints men make about women is that women aren't good listeners.

When I heard these words from my partners, I was overcome with anger. “What do you mean by saying that I don’t listen to you?” I asked irritably. “I’m sitting next to you. Have I gone somewhere?”

It took me years to understand how to listen to a man so that he feels heard. Here are some tips for learning to listen.

Tip #1

Don't interrupt a man when he is trying to express himself

"You're interrupting me again!" How many times have we heard this from our men during conversations! In this situation, I usually answered: “I’m not interrupting, I’m just telling you what I think about this. What do you want from me, for me to sit and just be silent, and you alone will talk?”

If men were completely honest and frank, they would answer: “Yes, that’s exactly what I want from you.” It seems to us that they simply do not want to listen to us. But that's usually not why men don't like being interrupted. Here are some other reasons.

Men are goal-oriented, so when they start expressing their thought, they want to finish it.

I know it's easy for you to start a conversation on one topic, move on to another, drop both and start a conversation on a completely different topic, and eventually return to the original subject, but this drives men crazy! Remember, men are much more goal-oriented than women, which is why men tend to think in a straight or nearly straight direction, as opposed to the spiraling style that women often prefer. When your partner wants to go from point A to point B in a conversation and you interrupt him by suggesting points C, D, and E, you are leading him astray. He doesn't see it as your contribution to the discussion - he sees it as an interference, an obstacle to achieving his goal.

Solution:

Men need to feel like they're doing a good job, and they view your interruption as "You're doing it wrong."

When a man expresses his thoughts, he is interested not only in expressing himself, but also in doing it as “good” as he believes possible. Believe it or not, a man takes his words much more seriously than a woman. And they are given to him with great effort. So by interrupting him, you're saying, "You're doing a terrible job, so I'm going to stop you before you get worse," like the gong used to send a failed contestant off stage on TV.

Listen to your partner without interrupting.

This means that if your partner wants to discuss something, let him talk, wait until he finishes, and then respond.

Important! Don't jump into a conversation the moment your partner pauses to take a simple breath, exclaiming, "Oh, I thought you were done already!"

Make sure he says everything he wants by asking, “Is there anything else you want to tell me?” or “What else do you want to say about this?”

Then, when he has finished, you can express your thoughts.

In the book How to Love Always, I talked about the “emotional map,” a simple and powerful method that helps you understand your own feelings and the feelings of others and helps you overcome unpleasant emotions such as anger, pain, fear, and returns you to a state of love. When you feel sad or emotional, you experience all five levels of emotion. These levels are as follows.

"Emotional Map"

1. Anger, resentment and indignation.

2. Pain, sadness, disappointment.

3. Fear, anxiety and a sense of danger.

4. Remorse, regret and responsibility.

5. Love, understanding, appreciation and forgiveness.

When something upsets you, you usually experience feelings that are closer to the surface, such as anger or pain. But, like the floors of a building, our emotions follow one another.

Anger, resentment and resentment are the first level; they are a way of protecting ourselves when we are attacked or treated unlovingly. Beneath this level lies pain, sadness and disappointment - these are manifestations of our vulnerability. Pain is followed by even deeper emotions - fear, anxiety, a sense of danger. If you manage to get past this level, you get closer to the point and are able to experience the remorse, regret and sense of responsibility that are so necessary to understand the essence of what is happening. And underneath all these emotions - anger, pain, fear and remorse - lies love.

All other emotions are simply our reaction to what prevents us from loving and being loved.

Taking the elevator from your head to your heart

I use this analogy in my seminars to better illustrate the path from the upper level of our emotions - anger and resentment - to the lower level - love and understanding. Every time you try to understand your feelings, go this way from the upper levels of the “emotional map” to its base. Starting with anger and stopping at each floor, take your elevator down until you stop at the level of love.

This is why women often become impatient when men express their feelings. They are not trying to irritate you at all. Men are not stupid.

They don't resist your desire to have a conversation. They simply need more time to identify their feelings, since the inner world is much less familiar to them than to women.

How I Overcame My Bad Habits and Learned to Listen

One of the biggest mistakes we make when listening to a man is our impatience. This was also my bad habit, which was aggravated by my profession. Here I am sitting with my partner who is trying to tell me about something that is bothering him. By the time he said four or five sentences, I already understood what he wanted to say, identified his feelings for myself and prepared my answer. He had only just begun to speak, and I was already sitting, fidgeting in my chair and wondering how much more time he would need. My patience is running out. And then I interrupt him and say something like, “Honey, this is what I think about what happened,” and lay out the whole situation in front of him. I must admit that in most cases I correctly assessed his feelings, but by not allowing him to express himself, I was depriving him of the opportunity to realize his feelings himself, to do this work on his own. He began to feel anger, indignation, humiliation and rebelled against my attempt to lecture.

And then one day, after I presented what I thought was an excellent analysis of my partner’s feelings, he blurted out what I should have heard a long time ago. “Listen, Barbara,” he said, “I may not be able to think as fast as you, and I may not be able to identify my feelings right away. This is a new thing for me. I know you’re trying to help me, but let me do this myself.” !"

Solution:

1. Allow your partner to be emotionally unintelligible.

The language of emotions is usually the second language for men and the first language for women. Do not expect from your partner the same speed of emotional reactions that you have yourself. Give him time during the conversation or argument to sort out his feelings, even if you are sure what the problem really is. Appreciate his commitment to going through the process of emotional self-discovery, even if it takes longer than you would like.

2. Tell him about the “emotional map” and help him go through all five levels of feelings.

If you are serious about improving your relationship, read my book How to Love Always with your partner and use the techniques it provides to help you connect with people both at home and at work. You can help your partner if you see that he is having difficulty expressing his feelings. Ask him questions that will help him move through all five levels of emotions:

"Are you angry with me (or someone)?"

“How have I (or anyone) offended you?”

"What's disappointing you now?"

"Are you afraid that something might happen?"

"What are you worrying about?"

Give him the opportunity to understand for himself what to say: “Sorry” or “I love you!”

But don't start bombarding him with questions as soon as he opens his mouth. Give him the opportunity to find a way out on his own, guiding him along the path only when you see his confusion.

3. Make sure you learn how to use the “emotional map” yourself when expressing your feelings to your partner.

Don't expect your partner to play by the rules that you yourself break.

Make sure you are doing what you are asking him to do. The more open, friendly and attentive you are in your communication, the better example you will be to your partner.

Tip #3 Let your partner know that you understand their point of view sexual relations. You never seem to be in the mood to have sex, and I don't know if it's me or something else, but I feel the distance between us growing, and I really don't want that. You always find excuses for this: either the children are tired of you, or you are tired, or you have a headache, but we have not made love for three weeks, and it seems to me that something is happening between us.

I know we haven’t been together much lately, maybe that’s why you don’t feel my closeness. Overall, this whole thing really upsets me." Mary (listening poorly):

“How can you tell me this? I hardly saw you this month, you were terribly busy. Didn’t you come home in the evening completely exhausted? Do you think that in this state you are able to excite me? Besides, you can imagine “What is it - a baby in your arms and two older children?” Mary (listening well):

Tip #3"And you feel rejected by me when I don't make love to you? It must be terrible, especially when I know how loving and gentle you are."

"Yes, it really hurts me." When Tad sees that Mary understands his feelings, he will be able to calmly continue his emotional work and will understand himself further. He will be able to descend from the level of anger to a level more

deep feelings

- pain and fear.

2. Nod or make cues so that the man can see that you are listening and understand him.

If you listen to your partner, but sit motionless, staring at him, you can be sure: he believes that you are not listening to him. Men need to be encouraged and encouraged so that they can more easily enter the world of emotions. There are several ways to help your partner with this.

Remember: men are visually oriented. So if you nod your head when a man makes his point, he will know that you are listening and receptive.

Remember: physical touch helps your partner connect with you and allows you to become more aware of your feelings. Don't overdo it, but as I said earlier in this chapter, touching your friend's arm, sitting closer, or putting your arm around your friend's shoulders can create an atmosphere of greater intimacy in which your conversation will take on new emotional nuances.

This advice has served me well, and I hope it will help you too. Share the information you receive with your partner so that he can also learn to listen to you.

The Five Most Common Questions About How Men Communicate

These are the five questions I hear from women all the time: wanting to know how men communicate. Knowing the answers to these questions will help you build a healthier, more fulfilling relationship with your man.

1. Why do men always try to divert the conversation away from feelings during a quarrel?

You don’t even suspect that you are the victim of a tactic that men resort to when they sense danger and become vulnerable: they are trying to steer the conversation away from your feelings.

Men feel much more comfortable acting in the area of intellect than in the area of feelings - they are more practical. Therefore, when you provoke them into an emotional discussion, your partner feels that you have an undeniable advantage. To ensure he has the upper hand, your man will try to shift the conversation from the realm of emotions to the realm of facts. He will ask you a bunch of questions; he will begin to express his observations rather than share his feelings; he will begin to doubt the truth of your feelings, saying:

"Stop being nervous - you look like an emotional idiot."

"I never thought you were capable of losing your temper like that."

"Calm down - you're becoming hysterical."

"Well, you're overly sensitive."

Most women fall into this trap and, abandoning their feelings, enter into an intellectual battle with their partner. And this path gives him the opportunity to win (especially if he is a lawyer!) or, at least, not to feel defeated. The problem that caused the argument remains unresolved, you leave with a feeling of dissatisfaction, confusion, depression, and he leaves with a feeling of relief, because he managed to avoid an emotional discussion, which would undoubtedly demonstrate her imperfections in this area. And although some men are not aware of this habit, most of them, during my interviews, admitted that they do this absolutely consciously in arguments with women.

Solution:

Don't let them lead you astray! Stay in the realm of feelings and emotions - where you can maximize your power as a woman. Tell your partner that you can see through his tricks and that you don't fall for them. And remember, avoiding the topic is just as bad for your partner as it is for you. How better man masters the sphere of emotions, the less he will be afraid of your conversations about it.

2. Why do men hate having emotional discussions late at night?

23.15. You and your partner are lying in bed and reading. You've had a thought running through your head all day that you'd like to discuss with him, so you turn to him and say:

Honey, could we talk for a moment?

Your partner looks at you without any enthusiasm and answers:

It's awfully late, isn't it? Can't we put this off until the morning?

When you insist, he becomes irritable and says something like:

Why do you always put off discussing all your problems until the night?

I know your “talk for a bit” will last for hours.

Can I just relax a little in silence after a working day?

Why do we always have to discuss problems when you want?

Or, having agreed to listen to you, he:

falls asleep in the middle of a conversation"
shows no interest in your thoughts or feelings;
responds with a monotonous grunt or moo.

Why are men so irritated by late emotional discussions?

A. In the evening, men have less control over the situation because they are tired. Men often view conversation as a mini power struggle. When the conversation concerns, men sense your advantage in advance. Feeling tired, your partner will tend to put off the discussion. He knows he won't be able to control the situation as much as he would like.

Of course, this is also justified from the point of view of women's behavior - we instinctively strive to have conversations with men when they are tired, since they resist less and are not so active intellectually. B. Men are afraid that once you start a discussion, you will never finish it and they will not be able to sleep. This brings us back to

Solution:

the secret of communication

, which reveals why men need a “discussion agenda” to feel comfortable. When late at night you communicate your desire to start a conversation, he knows that he is your prisoner, and fear grows in him: “She will start talking now and will never finish. We will argue all night; tomorrow I will come to work completely defeated; I’ll make mistakes there. I’ll be scolded. I’ll fail. Clearly, no discussions tonight.”

Discuss this issue with your partner and come to a mutual agreement regarding nighttime conversations.

Sometimes you may have to compromise and postpone the discussion until the morning. You can also set a time frame for the discussion: “Honey, I need to talk to you. Could you give me fifteen minutes? I know you’re tired, but I really need to tell you this, and we’ll continue the conversation when we have more time.” ".

You are probably familiar with this situation: you and your partner are discussing whether to go on vacation to the sea or relax by the lake. You are trying to convince him that going to the seaside would be a mistake - there are a lot of people there at this time of year, and besides, you heard that they are going to rent cottages for teenagers there - but the lake is quiet, romantic, and cheaper. Your partner doesn’t seem to show much interest in listening to your point of view, even arguing with you, insisting that a trip to the sea would be a nice change of scenery. You know he doesn't want to go to the coast. You know he agrees with you. But he refuses to admit it.

Several days pass, one evening after dinner your partner turns to you and says: “You know what I’m thinking about. It seems to me that there are a lot of people at the sea at this time of year, schoolchildren and children are taken there. "It will be possible to relax better on the lake. I think it’s better for us to go to the lake on vacation, my love." And you sit next to him and are silent, because you are out of breath, and you think: “Does he not remember that it was I who suggested this a few days ago?”

The answer to this question is that:

men need to feel that they are right. I don’t know if you have noticed that men always compete not only with each other, but even with their wives or girlfriends. So when you find a solution to a problem that he's willing to accept, he feels "bad" for not doing it first. Admitting that you are right means for some men admitting that you are smarter than them, which they would never want to do;
men love to feel their advantage. When you offer a solution to a problem and a man agrees with you, he begins to feel that you are now in charge of him, that you are playing a leading role in your relationship. This is a primitive male instinct that they will deny until you rub their nose in them - but they themselves know that it is true;
men love to feel independent and independent. This desire goes back to childhood, when a little boy trying to free himself oh, t maternal addiction, saying: “No, Mommy, let me tie my own shoelaces - I can do it myself.”

Solution:

It is important to understand that men do not realize that they are doing this.

Your partner will never say after hearing your good advice: “Darling, how did I not think of this myself?” He'll decide, "Well, I'll wait until Tuesday and then pass it off as my own," and if you ask him, he'll swear he doesn't remember you talking about it before Tuesday.

The best advice I can give you here is to discuss this issue with your man, let him read these pages and see what happens. After all, it's not the most relationship-damaging habit - it's just very annoying!

4. Why can’t my partner express his tenderness and admiration to me the way I express to him?

Here's a situation: you and your partner have decided to spend the evening together - dinner and dancing. You spend an hour and a half working on your hair, manicure, makeup, and putting on a beautiful new dress. You walk into the living room to greet your man and say:

Here I am, darling. Well, what do I look like? Your partner looks at you for a second and says:

You look good.

And then he goes to get the car keys.

You are left standing in the middle of the room with a terrible feeling of disappointment. “Okay,” you think to yourself. “Is that all he can say?”

When your man returns, you tell him that you are a little offended by his lack of attention.

“But I said you look good,” he replies with surprise. - What else do you want to hear from me?

Well, didn’t you notice my new dress or didn’t pay attention to my hairstyle and everything else?

Do you know what your problem is? - your partner says, raising his voice. - You are never happy with anything - no matter what I do, everything is bad for you. And you, finding yourself involved in a quarrel, cannot understand what is going on. And this is why this happens: unlike women, men do not notice details. Let's go back to the first chapter where we talked about male genetic memory. Men were taught to pay attention to big picture, and women - on the details: men looked out for enemy tribes on the horizon, while women looked after the fire and children; the men thought about how many acres of land they could cultivate in a day and what to sow it with next year what to cook for lunch today; men worried about whether they had enough money to send their children to college and pay rent, while women worried about whether their children had clean underwear to go to school tomorrow.

This does not mean that some of the levels of these concerns are better and some are worse - these are simply different ways of perceiving the world around us, to which men and women are accustomed.

Yes, you know all this yourself.

How many times, while discussing furniture that you saw with your friends, have you heard your husband ask: “What, the sofa was blue? But I didn’t notice.”

Have you asked your partner, “You know my green dress with the white collar—do you think it would look better at your cousin’s wedding than a black velvet suit?” - and he looked at you helplessly, until you finally began to understand that he didn’t even remember those dresses you were talking about.

Most, but certainly not all men, do not pay as much attention to color, shape, quality and other details as women, who are accustomed to noticing all this.

The problem is that women subconsciously expect the same perception from men.

So when you ask your partner, "What do I look like?" - you expect from him the same answer that you would give yourself if he asked you about it - details, details, details. You know how your friend reacts when she sees you in a new dress: “Oh, Barbara, is this new? I really like it. Turn around, let me look from behind. You know, this style suits your figure very well. And how good are you?” I picked it up and it looks just great.”

Solution:

This doesn't mean that men don't want to express their feelings to you or praise you - they just don't pay attention to it, they're not used to delving into these issues. Moreover, most men have no idea that there is any problem here until you explain to them.

Teach your partner to pay attention to details. Note the details in it appearance

or what you liked in the house where you visited on Sunday, or note what you found especially beautiful in the park. Male version

: "This is a nice suit.": Female version

“What a wonderful suit, dear. Look how beautifully the colors shimmer on the fabric - a little red here, and blue somewhere. It sits perfectly in the waist and fits your style. It is very well sewn - look how it is finished lapels."

Male version: "Beautiful house." "How wonderful this house looks. It fits perfectly into the landscape - doesn't it? There are so many French windows and doors. I love the technique in which it was painted, this unusual blue color scheme. It looks very fresh."

Male version: “Listen, the park is very beautiful today.”

Male version: "Beautiful house." "I love walking in the park and just sitting in the sun like that. At this time of day, everything around is sparkling. You can't imagine how many shades of green the shadows on the grass and trees are! Look at those lush clouds - they look like they are now will burst. I feel such peace here!”

By doing this, you will begin to teach your partner to notice details.

When your man compliments you or admires something, ask him to clarify what exactly he likes. Let's say he says, "I like your dress, honey." Don't just say "thank you" - ask him what he especially liked. If he says he likes the color, ask, “Do you think this color is better than the blues I usually wear?” In other words, help him learn to notice details and talk about them.

Remember: literary history shows that men are just as poetic and expressive as women, but many 20th-century men need practice to revive their subconscious mind for detail.

You are sitting with your partner in the living room after dinner. You could swear something was bothering him. You ask what happened, and he says:

But, dear,” you continue to insist. - I know something is upsetting you, tell me.

“I told you everything is great, so stop pestering me,” he replies in an icy tone.

But why do you look so upset, why are you angry? - you continue.

Listen, get off me, your partner screams. - Why are you still watching me like a hawk? You're right, now I'm angry - angry at you for being such a brainless idiot.

Why is it that sometimes the only emotions available to a man are anger and irritation? They respond with anger when they experience sudden fear or anxiety. They respond with anger when something offends them.

They respond with anger when they feel guilty. They may even respond with anger when they feel that they love and need you very much. Let's go back to your man's childhood to find the answer., which are allowed for girls, but not for boys. Boys whose feelings were hurt, crying or afraid, are ridiculed and called "mama's boys." Boys are encouraged to be strong and what is called “masculine behavior,” which fully tolerates anger and quarrels, but not tears and admission of defeat.

Offer your options for the emotions that your partner may experience, since it is possible that he himself does not understand them. By doing this you will help him overcome his anger and create conditions for expressions of others

, more subtle feelings. "Honey, I know how upset you are about Fred having a heart attack. He's yours after all." best friend

, you are the same age as him. I know, I, too, am always scared when someone close to me gets sick - it’s scary to think that you can lose someone you love so much. You probably feel helpless, wanting to help when you're forced to just wait." Encourage your partner to show any signs of vulnerability. Remember: men were so much condemned for showing sensitivity - and in certain social groups continue to scold even now - that they need encouragement and positive assessment that you can give them. If your partner has opened up to you even a little, tell him how much it means to you, how proud you are of him. I don't

I'm talking about that so that you constantly take care of him, I advise you to simply help a man in what is quite difficult for him to do.

Note.

If you are with a man whose anger is chronic, constant, abusive, and has no control over his behavior, forget all this advice and seek counseling or help immediately. Dictionary "Man - Woman" and its English translation, the Man-Woman Dictionary contains phrases commonly used by men and what they mean in a language women understand. I have included only a few phrases here and I hope that by analogy you will also be able to translate those phrases of your partner that drive you crazy. You can even, if you want, sit down with your man and ask him to help you compile such a dictionary. And, of course, don’t be surprised if he agrees to help you only on the condition that you write him a dictionary “Woman - Man”.

Phrase	Translation
"I don't want to talk about it now."	“I need time to sort out my feelings, I’m afraid that if I answer right away, I might be wrong. I can’t find the words to express my emotions as quickly as you.”
"Calm down, you're starting to get too nervous."	“I see that I should help you, but I don’t know how. I feel responsible for you, for your pain, but I don’t know how to help you.”
“Well, look, yes, I am like that. All men behave like that.”	“I’m afraid that something is wrong with me. But can I change... I sometimes don’t understand my behavior.”
"Well, I said 'sorry'. What else do you need from me?"	"I'm afraid that you won't forgive me. I feel like an idiot for offending you, I'm very hurt that you see that I'm wrong."
“Darling, I need to get up early tomorrow - how do you feel about this? (in bed during love foreplay).”	"I'm in the mood for quick sex, but I'm afraid you'll think I'm selfish if I ask for it directly."
“Why do you present everything as if I’m always the one to blame for everything? Don’t you ever make mistakes?”	"I hate admitting you're right. I'm angry at myself for not being able to resolve this issue as quickly as you were able to."

I hope you found a lot of interesting and useful information in this chapter on communication. You should re-read it again again

until this knowledge becomes second nature. Please share what you have learned with the man you love. He will sense that you are trying to understand him and will work with you to make your relationship great.

Hello.

In general, it hurts, so I pour it out as it is. No one around me knows that I am so abnormal)).

With the second guy it wasn’t so disgusting, but I still felt tight and didn’t experience anything during intercourse. I'm not frigid, I learned from the age of 22 to find mutual language with myself, if you know what I mean)) it turned out that I was running to the toilet after sexual intercourse to catch up there. I don’t stimulate the vagina, I can’t put my finger there (it’s unpleasant and painful, b. I even use tampons with applicators).

Hello, Yuna.
Explain this point. What stopped you from asking your boyfriend to manually bring you to orgasm if you did not cum during intercourse?

There is such a Spectrum on the forum, you are made for each other.
But seriously, start communicating with men at least from this forum. It will melt and all fears will disappear.

It will be difficult to find the right man. But I think there is a chance. It is worth looking among people close to Buddhism and related philosophical teachings. They are characterized by the perception of relationships in a more spiritual form than other men. Such a man may turn out to be more sensitive and understanding in communication and more gentle and careful in intimacy. The main thing is to stumble upon a fanatic.

I am writing this post because it is a cry from the soul. Perhaps not entirely constructive) And it will take a long time, sorry... I just want to express my situation.... I hope for support, analysis and advice. I go to a psychologist with varying degrees of success (“Should I do this more regularly?” you ask. Well, you’re right here, I’ll take note).

I am 26 years old, for the last 3 years there have been no romantic relationships with a man and intimacy too (more on this later, because there are problems here). I beautiful girl, with a good sense of humor (not my personal opinion, other people’s words and a mirror), slim (I go to fitness sometimes and don’t eat much), with good natural characteristics. Emotional and very vulnerable. Problem: I also have a serious character, an idealistic outlook on life (I don’t litter, I don’t smoke cigarettes or weed, I don’t drink much alcohol and I love our culture). More a good education, I’m working, and I’m interested in it - in short, it’s complete fucked up! From bad habits- yes, I swear! but only when communicating with your best friend, and when it’s completely unbearable)). I understand that people consider me very serious, principled and unapproachable, i.e. - strange, in best case scenario, or, at worst, a fool (they don’t know that I swear).

If I don’t like a man, and I’m subconsciously sure that nothing will happen with him, I can easily arouse his interest. Well, or not call it - I somehow don’t record this for obvious reasons. But, if the person I like shows me initial signs of attention, then he shuts me down and begins to behave like a complete fool. And he merges. And I don’t even know how to behave in order to attract him. This science is completely inaccessible to me. I had 2 novels, in both cases the men themselves took the initiative + courted me for a long time, were attentive to my thoughts and feelings + were also quite “deep” people (read “busy”)) people. This was during my studies at the university, when, in principle, you make contact with people easier. Adulthood, on the one hand, imposes some kind of stupid distance on communication with others, and on the other, the behavior of men becomes typical (“for me, relationships begin only after sex. If you are interested, call me”).

The fact that I don’t know how to communicate with men is not entirely true. I have male friends, acquaintances, and with some I even went on (vomit) semi-dates once every six months over these same 3 years. The problem is that for me a date (and it wasn’t even a date - just a meeting) is an opportunity to get to know a person one-on-one and have a good time. And for him - a call: you invited him, will he give or won’t he?!

I dated my first guy for more than 2 years. He was the first man who showed me the fantastic news - a man is able to empathize with my problems and take care of me. My mother, after my father left her, taught me the opposite. In general, I understood that I had to have sex at 19, so we went through this (surgical) process. Let me explain: I have always been unusual in touching my body, in allowing someone to touch it - it’s only possible if you keep your finger on the pulse so that it doesn’t hurt. And he did: well, what can I do if I myself didn’t know what sexual desire was and why it was eaten?) With the second guy it wasn’t so disgusting, but I was still clenched and didn’t experience anything during intercourse. I’m not frigid, from the age of 22 I learned to find a common language with myself, if you know what I mean)) it turned out that I ran to the toilet after sexual intercourse to catch up there. I don’t stimulate the vagina, I can’t put my finger there (it’s unpleasant and painful, b. I even use tampons with an applicator).

Parents - yes, divorced, with father difficult relationships. He loves me very much, and I love him too. He is a great authority for me, a rare person, but we have never had mutual understanding. By the way, when I was a child, he almost never showed tender feelings towards me - he kissed me goodnight when he came home drunk. I was scared and crying.

I am very tired of loneliness, I want to take care of someone and be needed by someone. Don’t be afraid to give yourself to a man and find out what this man should be like. mysterious sex... I love cooking, after all.

Girlfriends say, “Fuck it, you’ll think it’s bullshit! Sleep with someone just like that, and that’s it! The main thing is to start.” I tried to force myself, but on the third date I was freezing and I understood that I would not break myself...

In general, it hurts, so I pour it out as it is. No one around me knows that I am so abnormal)).

What's the question? How to find a good young man?

My parents divorced when I was very young, and I hardly communicate with my father. My mother raised me alone, and therefore at home I never had a pattern of behavior with a man. I feel afraid of relationships. I want to increase my self-esteem and learn to communicate with young people. I have an attractive appearance, but I repel them with my inaccessibility.

Valeria 25 years old

Valeria, as a child you did not have the opportunity to observe the relationship between father and mother, but you probably often fantasized about what the relationship between a man and a woman could be like. Perhaps in fantasy the woman was supposed to be strong and unapproachable. In single-parent families, a girl often learns an unspoken rule: “You need to be strong, otherwise you won’t survive when he leaves you, and he will definitely leave you.” Unfortunately, this strategy rarely helps build close relationships.

In your situation it starts to work psychological protection: You deliberately want to be unapproachable, trying to protect yourself from the pain of separation and loss. You can try to explore such beliefs and ideas about yourself, men and relationships on your own or with a psychologist.

Try starting to keep a diary. As you write down the events of the past day, pay special attention to the feelings you experienced. This practice is especially useful if you find it difficult to entrust your experiences to another person.

Try to open up to a man gradually, stick to the pace of development of the relationship that seems comfortable. Observe your partner, notice the moments when it becomes easier for you to trust him.

Ask the man to talk more about himself, about how he feels, discuss his favorite films or books. Having learned more about a person, it is easier for us to talk about ourselves without fear of being deceived. Remember that at any time you have the right to stop communicating or not to tell your interlocutor those things that seem too personal.